Smoking

Rudy’s here and I don’t know what to say to him.

“I’m going to go to the store,” I announce as I pull on my jacket.

No one pays much attention as I leave.

Once I’m in safe distance I pull out a cigarette. My hands fiddle with my matches as I light it. I watch the flame burn brighter as I inhale the deadly toxin. Immediately it takes effect; my whole body relaxes due to one tiny invention.

I sigh in contempt and watch the smoke dance out in front of me along with the cold night air.

Continuing my walk I feel all my senses slow, even my walking gets slower.

I allow my thoughts drift to Alexis; I sneer at the church beside me. Thinking how stupid the people are for thinking God gives a shit about them. He’s the reason Alexis is gone, the reason one little girl won’t have her mom for Christmas, the reason my cousin will never love again, and the reason I’m so fucked up.

I’m not fucked up though; all teens drink, all teens cut, all teens starve themselves, all teens pierce, all teens smoke, right?

I hope so.

I like to believe I’m not alone on this one. The cigarette helps me ignore the numbing feeling the cold is giving me.

My senses heighten as I see a car slow next to me. Instinctively my hand goes into my pocket and my numb hands curve themselves around my pocket knife thinking it’s some creep trying to lure in high school girls with the promise of beer and anything else we are too young to buy ourselves.

Ha!

They say they want nothing in return but that’s bullshit. They finally drive away because I ignore them.

I’m in no fucking mood. I have my own ways of getting what I want need. Ways where I don’t have to trade sex for it…

Taking another drag I pause at the stop sign and throw my finished cigarette aside. I’d take out another but the store is close.

Pretty soon I finish getting what I need and head home; another cigarette hanging from my lips. I’m running low, I need to get someone to buy me more…

Maybe I should talk to Rudy, maybe I could get a beer out of it too; I know he needs one. This family can’t handle a loss without alcohol. Don’t judge us, you don’t know how much losses we’ve had.

Too fucking many to count.

I still don’t know someone in my family who has both parents alive; some lost both. I know I only have my mom; all because of one big douchebag; my eyes flicker to the church once more.

My cigarettes finished and I make sure to throw it on the well-trimmed grass of the church as my own silent fuck you.

I’ve seen too much shit happen to good people to believe he gives a shit. It’s not even about me; just all the other people he has fucked over.

That relationship is over and done with.

My hands itch to light another, to feel that relaxation again but I can’t. I’m too close to home. I pull down my hood in hopes the night air can wash the smell of smoke away until I could get a body spray.

I should’ve bought some gum. No it’ll be fine.

I finally reach my door and I sigh as my hands curve around the handle.

Time to go back to normal.