Sluts in Love

She loves me.

Fucking great.

"Paris."

Fucking swell.

"Paris, babe." Some ash falls right through the hole in my shoe.

Fuck.

"I don't know what you want me to say," I tell her. "Do you want me to say I love you too? Because you, of all people, should know that out of all of the shitty things I am, I'm not a damn liar."

And it's true. Shit; I don't think I've ever even been loved, much less know how to feel about it. I love my dumb smelly dog. I love being high as a fucking kite. I love making fun of people. But I don't love people.

It doesn't seem to phase her a bit. She blinks her wide bug eyes slowly. "I don't expect you to feel the same, actually. It just felt like the right opportunity to tell you." She stands up so quickly I jump back a bit.
She grabs my face between her hands.

"What the fu-"

"I will always love you, okay Paris? Don't forget that. And my offer will stand until the end of our relatively short lives." She presses her lips to my forehead for much longer than necessary. Her bony chin is right in my eye.

"Are you-" but I can't think of what I was going to say. On crack? Shitting me? Shooting up again? So I settle with a "What?"

"Between you and me, doll face," she goes to stand near her door and rests her hand on the door knob. I'm still sitting but swivel around to look at her. "Once you leave for tonight, you shan't be seeing me again. Until when, it's up to you." I stand up too and face her with my hands in my pockets.

"Are you going to kill yourself for real this time?"

"Oh, I haven't decided yet. Mayhaps. It seems like I'm not too well liked at our school at the moment. Nor the community, after that whole fiasco with my dear brother and booze loving mother."

"It's your own damn fault about that school shit."

"In truth. I suppose it would have been best to wait until we graduated. But Paris, you just don't understand; I had to see this thing through."

I was thinking about some other things I love and only half-assedly listening to Juliet. I think that's a word. Assedly. I liked having sex with Rosaline. Typical guy thing right? I liked it but I don't think loved it is a right word.

Then there's the meat lover's calzone at the deli. Oh my God. If I was nasty enough to have sex with food I would totally do it with that calzone. So yes I love food.

Then there's the summer. Like right now I like how it doesn't get dark until later but I don't love it. I like how right now it's gotta be eight o'clock and people are still walking their dogs and shit.

"Uh huh. And now that these poor idiots, now that you probably ruined their high school shitty careers, what's gonna happen to them?"

"I don't know, and that's the best part!" She leans up against the open front door. "You'll let me know, though, won't you? I know there's only twenty six days left of school, but you'll tell me how it went down, right? I can count on you?"

I take a few steps back because something dawned on me. Is this what the truth feels like? Like I swallowed a fish with razor blade gills that's flipping around in my stomach? Is this love? Do I love her? "No. You can't count on me, Juliet. Not if you leave."

I'd like to say her face fell and it fucking disappointed her but that's not true. The same stoic look is on her face. "That's a shame. I'll write to you, love."

"I'll bet you won't because you're not fucking leaving. You always say shit like that but you're too fucking lazy to follow through with it."

I really really fucking hate being right.