I'll Never Be the Same

It didn’t register immediately what was actually going on. That Darren was kissing me. And that for some reason unknown to even me, I was kissing him back. But as soon as I was fully aware of what was going on, I pushed Darren away from me and stood up quickly. We stared at each other for only a second before I bolted out of his living room, out of his house, and out of his driveway.

When I got home, I didn’t check to see what time it was or even if my mom was home. I went straight to my room and sat on my bed, trying, but utterly failing to comprehend that Darren had just been kissing me less than 10 minutes ago.

I stood up, and paced around my room, trying to think about what had just happened. Had I really just kissed Darren? I stopped, not knowing what else to think—even though it felt like a million thoughts were racing through my head; none of them were tangible.

I sat back on my bed, throwing my hands over my head and trying to focus. I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket and I took it out and saw that I had a new text from Darren. Despite the fact that I felt a strong urge to just delete the message, I opened it anyway.

Sorry?

I stared down at the one word text message. A simple “sorry.” And I wasn’t even sure if it was an apology. There was a question mark after it! My phone buzzed again; another text message from Darren: Actually… I’m not sorry. I’m glad it happened.

I immediately erased both of his messages. Dick head.

---

I enjoyed the time I had away from Darren at school immensely, though I knew he’d be back tomorrow and I’d have to face him. He hadn’t texted me again which I was glad of. This whole no interaction with Darren was kind of peaceful, except of the fact that I kept thinking about him.

I didn’t need to think about why he kissed me, that answer was fairly obvious. I just didn’t know why I had kissed back. It didn’t last long, so I suppose it was just because he caught me off guard. I didn’t really know how to feel about this whole thing. I couldn’t pinpoint any certain emotions except uncertainty. My head felt like a jumbled mess that no matter how many times I tried, I couldn’t organize it and put everything back where it was supposed to go.

Thursday came too quickly and I knew that I’d have to face Darren. I knew he’d be there already, probably waiting for me by my locker. When I arrived at school, I sat in my car for a few minutes, not ready to face him. But I knew I had to do it at some point and I might as well get it done at some point. So with a heavy sigh, I got out of my car and headed inside the school.

As soon as I saw Darren by my locker, right where I expected him to be, I had to fight the urge to turn around and not even bother with my locker. But it was too late; he had already spotted me and I felt my stomach twist into a knot.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said before even one word could move past those lips. God, I didn’t even want to think about his lips. It took me a few tries to open my locker because of my frustration and I quickly took the books out that I needed. I glanced quickly at Darren who had surprisingly not said anything yet and saw he was just watching me with a smirk on his face. “What?”

“Your face is red,” he said. I slammed my locker shut.

“I hate you.”

I walked away quickly.

---

I showed up to English the moment the bell rang just so I could avoid those few minutes before class starts with Darren.

“Oh, Hailey, there you are!” said Mrs. Shepard cheerfully. “I hope this isn’t much of an inconvenience, but Darren said he was having some difficulties with our current book and he was wondering if you might be able to help understand it better.”

I glanced at Darren who was trying to look as innocent as possible.

“That would be fine,” I said as calmly as I could to Mrs. Shepard.

“Wonderful!” she said. “I know you really helped him the last time he needed it.”

I nodded my head, forcing a smile, before heading back to my seat.

“Hello, Hailey,” Darren said as I sat down next to him. I didn’t say anything and stared straight ahead. “If you could come over to my house right after school that would be a great help.”

I finally looked at him, glaring. I was finally feeling a definite emotion: anger.