Strength of a Father

“Hey, big man.” Matt mumbled out as his son, Max, walked out of his pre kindergarten class, a smile on his lips as he skipped towards his father. “Did you learn a lot today?” Matt asked his Max as he came up to his father and Matt scooped him up in his arms.

Max was four and a half years old and he was still rather light. He had taken into his mother in every aspect. He had a slender figure and he was rather tall for an average four and a half year old. He was the tallest boy in his class. As far as Matt had seen through old photos of Kelsie, she had always been the same. She was tall and slender, largest in her class.

“We learned to count is Spanish today, Daddy.” Max told Matt in an excited voice as he bounced up and down in his father’s arms.

“You did, huh?” Matt asked Max through a chuckle as he waved to his pre kindergarten children goodbye before he began to walk out of the small building that the classes were held in.

Matt knew that by this time next year, Max would be going to kindergarten and he would have to leave the intimate environment that he was learning in. Matt would have to enroll Max into a public school and the classes would be much larger and Max would get less attention then he was getting in the private pre-kindergarten class that hew as in.

“Yeah and tomorrow we are going to start writing.” Max told Matt as he wrapped his arms around Matt’s neck, holding on tightly to his father as they walked out into the warm California sun.

“Why don’t you count for me in Spanish tiger.” Matt mumbled out as he walked towards the car, wanting to get home and just relax. He had been in the studio earlier on and the recording wasn’t going off as well as they had hoped for.

They had slaved over laying down the vocals for one of their songs for almost four hours and no matter what they were doing, the track wasn’t coming together. When it came time for Matt to go and pick up Max, the guys had simply decided that they would wrap the session up for the day and that they would pick it up once again start up tomorrow. It aggravated Matt that they could get it done, but he knew that not every recording session would go off as smoothly as they wanted them too.

“DADDY!” Max yelled as he slapped his dad on the cheek. “You no listen. I count in Spanish and you no hear me!” Max grumbled out and Matt simply chuckled out as he opened the door or the backseat, where Max’s car seat was set up

“I’m sorry tiger, count for me again.” Matt mumbled out as he began to put Max into his car seat.

“Okay, now listen daddy.” Max told his father as he let Matt buckle him up into the car seat. “Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis, siete…” Max took a small pause, trying to remember the next number before he finally remembered. “Ocho, nueve, DIEZ!” Max yelled out, a smile on his lips as he showed his father that he knew how to count in Spanish to ten.

“That was amazing little man.” Matt told Max as he finished buckling Max into the car seat. He wasted no time as he closed the back door, walking over to the driver seat and getting in himself.

The recording of the new album had taken a lot of Matt’s time in the past few weeks and Max had been spending a lot of time with his grandparents. He was either with Matt’s parents or Kelsie’s Of course all Matt told about Kelsie’s parents was that they were his grandparents but he didn’t necessarily tell him that they were Kelsie’s, that they were his mother’s parents.

As far as Max knew, he didn’t have a mother. He never knew her, never got the chance nor the opportunity to know her or ever be held b y her. Of course none of it was Max’s fault but Matt wasn’t ever able to speak to Max, or anyone for that matter, about what had happened to Kelsie, why she wasn’t in anyone’s life anymore.

The fact that Kelsie wasn’t in Matt’s life anymore, only made him appreciate Max that much more. He was attached to his son in ways most parents weren’t. He was a spitting image of his mother, with the blonde hair and the bright blue eyes. He had her facial structure; the soft facial features that graced Kelsie’s face and her body figure. The only thing that he had picked up that was Matt’s were his dimples and his smile. But apart from that he was a copy of his mother. That was why he was so attached to Max. If Matt couldn’t have Kelsie, he at least had the next best thing and that was their son.

“Daddy?” Max mumbled out from the back seat of the car half way through the ride home. He was looking out the window, watching as the trees flew by him and it was something that always amazed him. He was amazed at how quickly the tree’s were moving when he was in the car. He did not yet understand that the tree’s were moving so fast was because the car was moving at a fast speed. He did not yet understand that the tree’s never moved, that they simply stood still while the car moved.

“Yeah Max?”

“I have a question, Daddy.” Max mumbled out and Matt simply smiled as he looked at Max through his rear view mirror.

“What’s your question buddy?”

“Where is my mommy?” Max mumbled out as he leaned foreword in his car seat, his elbows resting on his knee’s as he tried to move closer so that he could look at his father better.

Matt couldn’t help but gulp, his foot releasing off of the accelerator pedal. His face dropped, his mouth gapped open. He did not know what to tell Max, he did not know how he was supposed to tell his son why his mother wasn’t in his life.

He always knew that one day, this question would come up, that one day Max was going to ask him where his mother was, but he wasn’t expecting it to come this soon. He always thought that he would have more time, would be able to come up with the best way of describing the situation that he and Max found himself in.

But the question didn’t come later; the question didn’t come at a time that Matt hoped it would come. It came now and Matt had to tell Max, after all Max deserved to know the truth.

“Why do you ask Max?” Matt asked his softly as he pulled over to the curb, trying to figure out the best way to tell his son.

“Because Cassie was telling me about how she and her Mommy went to the zoo and how her mommy bought her a dog and she asked me about my Mommy and I don’t have one. And Michael told me that I was weird for not having a Mommy because he said everyone has a Mommy, but me. And teacher Vega told me that it’s normal to sometimes not have a Mommy but then all the kids said that it wasn’t normal.” Max started rambling on as he started to tell more situations that Max was told by his friends in Pre-K.

Matt let a sigh fall past his lips, licking his lips as he nodded his head. Matt contemplated what he wanted to do, what he was going to tell Max before he took a deep breath in. “You do have a Mommy, Max.” Matt mumbled out as he ran his hand over his face, a frown setting on his lips as he realized that he once again would have to relive that day.

However Max, he did not see, did not understand that his father was upset. He couldn’t see his father’s face and he thought that his father was completely okay about talking about the subject.

“Daddy, can we please go see Mommy? I want to be able to tell all of the kids in class about my Mommy and that she is just as cool as their Mommy’s!” Max yelled out, a smile on his lips as he softly jumped up and down in his car seat, or at least as much as the restraints let him jump up and down.

Matt simply nodded his head, making his decision in a split second that it was time for Max to visit his mother, for him to know where she is and who she was. He knew he couldn’t hide this from his for forever, though that was always what he wanted. He feared the prospect of having to relive that part of his life and now was the time.

“Okay baby, we’ll go visit Mommy, but.” Matt let a sigh fall past his lips as he put his car into drive. Pulling off onto the street, Matt made a right turn at the first intersection instead of the usual left he would make to go home. “But you have to promise me to stay quiet till we get there.”

“Why Daddy?”

“Cause Daddy needs to think.” Matt told Max as he looked at him through the rear view mirror.

He watched as Max’s face contorted, a frown on his lips as he nodded his head and started playing with his fingers. Of all things that Matt appreciated about his son was that he was a good listener. He did the things that were asked of him without much arguing.

Max was a neat boy, always cleaning up his own mess. It was rare for Matt to have to comment on the fact that Max didn’t put his clothes away or didn’t take his plate to the sink. He loved cleanliness, something that Matt fought hard to keep in his house.

Kelsie was always the one that cleaned up, was always the one that cooked on a day-to-day basis. Matt grilled, he loved grilling and he loved to cook fancy kinds of dishes, but when it came down to it, Kelsie was always the head of the house and the master in the kitchen. Matt liked to think that characteristic was one of many character traits that Max had picked up from Kelsie.

It didn’t take Matt more then twenty minutes to the place that Kelsie now called home. Parking in the small parking lot, Matt turned off his car before he turned to look at Max, a soft smile on his lips.

“Okay tiger, we’re here. Let’s go meet Mommy then.” Matt mumbled out. Max looked around his surrounding, a frown on his lips as he looked back at his far.

“But Daddy, there’s no house here, Mommy can’t live outside.” Max mumbled out and Matt simply smiled as he got out of the car and went to the back seat so that he could unbuckle his son.

“I know there’s no houses, but Mommy does have a home here. It’s small, but it’s hers and only hers.” Matt mumbled out as he picked his son up out of the car seat and held him close to his body.

Closing the back door, Matt locked his car before he slowly started to make his way to the path that would lead him and Max to where Kelsie was.

Max being the curious child that he was, he kept looking around his surroundings, trying to figure out where he was and why it is that his mother was here. He had never been to a place like this before; this was all new to him

“Daddy, where are we? Max mumbled out as he wrapped his arms around his father’s neck, pulling himself closer to his father as he started to feel uncomfortable where ever it is that they were. “This place is creepy.”

Matt couldn’t help but chuckle as he wrapped his arm tighter around his son’s waist, a soft sad frown coming to his lips when he had finally approached the place where Kelsie was resting. Where she had been resting for the last four and a half years.

“This is called a cemetery.” Matt mumbled out at as he crouched down, placing his son’s feet down on the ground. “It’s a very special place that people go too, when…” Matt licked his lips as he tried to describe a gravesite in the most positive of ways. “They go to see God.” Matt mumbled out and max simply furrowed his brows together, before he turned to look at his father.

“But where is mommy?” Max mumbled out and Matt simply smiled as he pulled Max down to sit on his thigh.

“Mommy, is sleeping, down there.” Matt mumbled out as he pointed to the ground and Max simply frowned, not truly understand the concept of death and the idea of someone being buried.

“Well we gotta wake her up then.” Max mumbled out as a smile came to her lips. “She needs to wake up and see me and take me to the zoo.”

“Mommy can’t, because she’s with God now, she’s an angel. She went to sleep for a very long time and she won’t wake up. It’s only when we go into the same kind of sleep that Mommy is in, that we can see her again. But that kind of sleep won’t happen for any of us for a very, very long time.” Matt mumbled out as he let a sigh fall past his lips, a soft tear trailing down his cheek as he remembered the day that Kelsie passed away. How the day was both the biggest miracle and the largest tragedy of his entire life.

“When did Mommy go to sleep?”

“Mommy went to sleep the same day that you were born. So she went to sleep four and a half years ago, because that’s how old you are.” Matt mumbled out and Max simply nodded his head, not fully understanding why his mother was not around.

“Why did Mommy have to go to sleep for a long time?”

“Mommy was sick, very sick and we thought that she was getting better so we decided to have you. But Mommy got sick again and she couldn’t get out of it a second time. Now, so that she wouldn’t be sick anymore, she went to sleep for a long time but before she went to sleep she gave me you. I am so thankful she gave me you.”

“Is that Mommy?” Max mumbled out as he pulled away from his father and walked to the tombstone, placing his hand on the photo that was engraved into the granite.

“Yes, that’s Mommy. You look just like her.” Matt mumbled out as he watched his son run his hand over the portrait that he had chosen for the tombstone. It was always his favorite photo of her, she looked timeless in it and that’s how she wanted the world to remember her, a timeless woman.

“Come on, it’s time to go home now that you’ve seen Mommy, I promise we can come back to visit her whenever you want too” Matt mumbled out as Max walked over to him and Matt picked him up in his arms and began to head back towards the car. If Max wanted to come here every day, he would take him, just to make his son happy. He didn't mind sharing this spot with his son but he knew that now that Max, Matt wouldn't be able to come here by himself as often as he did.

There wasn’t much said between the father and son as Matt slowly made his way back to the car. This was something that he did not want to tell Max, never really wanting to have to tell his son that his mother had died the same day that he was born. But he knew that at this age, it was the best time it was the best time to tell him. At this age, he wouldn’t feel nor would he think that he was the reason or his mother’s death because that was the furthest thing from it.

It wasn’t his fault that Kelsie’s cancer had come back full force on her, it wasn’t his fault that it was Kelsie’s time to go. She had given him and their families the greatest gift on the planet and that was Max. He couldn’t imagine his life without him, wouldn’t know if he would have been able to survive Kelsie’s death if Max wasn’t there. He knew he had to live so that his son could grow up with at least one parent and that was exactly what he had done.

“Now you know what you tell all the kids when they ask you where Mommy is?” Matt mumbled out as he approached his car, a smile on his lips as he looked at his son.

“No Daddy, what do I say?”

“You tell them that Mommy is an Angel and though you don’t see her, she’s watching over you and protecting you like a mother does. She does this every single day, day in and day out. She's there with you when you think no one is there, She's always protecting you and that's just as good, if not better, as going on any type of trips.” Matt mumbled out. Max couldn’t help but smile, happy with the simple knowledge that his mother was always with her, always by his side whenever he would need her.