I Never Promised You A Rose Garden

School resumed its normal routine – Jared sat behind me in English and sat with me in Math, and after school it had become our routine to take a round-about walk to get home – it took about ten minutes longer but we got to talk, so it was fine. I’d conned Alanna into going to the gym with me occasionally, and had also started watching what I was eating a little more. Although so far nothing had changed.

“So, Marc said he saw you at the gym the other day… you never told me you worked out,” Jared said with a grin as he playfully elbowed me.

“Oh, uh, not really. Alanna’s pretty athletic so I just go with her sometimes,” I lied, feeling a blush creep onto my face.

“Cool – maybe you could come keep me company when I work out then,” he said, and then froze a little when he realized what he’d said.

“I uh, I mean, if you wanted to, um…” he stuttered, and I shrugged.

“Maybe sometime,” I allowed, and then we were quiet again until we got to the corner of my street.

“All right, well I’ll uh, see you tomorrow Kass,” Jared said, and gave me a half-assed hug.

“Yeah, see you tomorrow,” I nodded, and headed back towards my house. Dad was still at work – he’d started taking more shifts at work in the past few weeks, hoping we could take a vacation to go and see my grandparents in New Orleans during Easter. So I went up to my room and started on my homework, and made myself a salad for supper. It was quiet being home by myself, and I was watching the hockey game by the time my dad called. He was going to be late and grab something for supper, so I was on my own for another couple of hours. I hadn’t even made it to the living room when the phone rang again, and I was surprised when I heard Jared’s voice.

“H-hi Jared,”

“H-hey Kass. Um, I was uh, wondering if… if you wanted to, um, watch the game together? My brother, um Eric, is playing and they’re uh, putting it on TV… So I was just, you know, wondering if you wanted to um, watch it with me?” he stuttered, and I felt my face turning red.

“Y-yeah, that’d be cool. Um, my dad’s not home yet, but I could walk over I guess,” I suggested.
“Well if your dad wouldn’t mind I could just, um, drive over to your place. If you want me to come over that is, if you don’t I get it, it’s okay—”

“That’s fine Jared, that’d be cool,” I told him, my voice getting quiet. We managed to stumble through some more conversation before hanging up, and I let out a big breath. I don’t know what it was about talking on the phone that made both of us act so weird and awkward, more so than when we were together. When we hung out we still had our awkward moments, but nothing like when he called.

When the doorbell rang ten minutes later I jumped up to answer it, having brushed my hair and I’ll even admit to putting on some colored lip balm and the tiniest bit of mascara, just so I didn’t look like a slob in my old T-shirt and jeans.

“Hey, thanks for uh, letting me come over,” he grinned when he saw me, and I moved to the side so he could come in.

“Yeah, uh, no problem. Although I’ll warn you – I’m prone to yelling at the TV,” I said, and he laughed, relaxing a little as he took off his coat and shoes before following me into the living room.

“No problem – I do the same thing,” he assured me, and we sat down on opposite ends of the couch and I turned the TV on to the game. It only took five minutes of the first period for us to forget our self-consciousness and soon we were both coaching from the couch and nearly yelling at the television, thoroughly enjoying each other’s company. Eric’s team was up by a goal going into the third period, which we were both happy about.

“Come on Eric!” Jared muttered, his eyes as glued to the TV as mine were, and then his oldest brother shot the puck, and scored.

“Yeah!” we both jumped up from the couch and high fived, before hugging. About four seconds after we both realized what we were doing and it became a little awkward, before feeling natural again. When we pulled away our faces were bright red.

“Uh, um…” Jared stuttered, and I nodded.

“Yeah,”

After that we seemed to really settle into each other’s company, and while my face turned fire-engine red I was on Cloud Nine when Jared slowly and nervously took my hand and laced his fingers with mine. It just felt right – even though his hands were so much bigger than mine, and felt a little rough, it was just… right.

The Hurricanes kept the lead and won the game, and Jared turned to me with a smile. I managed to return it, even though my stomach was doing ridiculous summersaults.

“Good game,” he shyly said, and I nodded.

“Great game,” I agreed. His cheeks turned a little pink, and he let out an awkward kind of chuckle.

There was tension in the room, and I had no idea where it had come from. Jared took a deep breath, and squeezed my hand a little tighter. I looked at his hand before up into his eyes, and I swear my heart stopped when he leaned in a little bit.

He leaned in so slowly, obviously just as nervous about this as I was, and I could feel his breath when there was a knock on the front door. We both jumped back, our faces bright red, and I awkwardly got up to go answer the door. I was a little short with the door-to-door salesman – a guy who’d been here before and had been turned away as well – before taking a deep breath and going back to the living room.

“Who was it?” Jared quietly asked as I flopped down onto the couch where I’d been before.

“Some salesman,” I rolled my eyes, and he laughed a little.

“Of course, eh?” I nodded, and grinned a little bit. It was beyond awkward in the room now, and I wanted to say something to break the silence but didn’t know what.

“Uh, I’m sorry,” Jared whispered, and I felt my stomach sink a little.

“Sorry?”

“Yeah, I was… I was a little out of line; I shouldn’t have tried to…” he stuttered, and I bottled up how I was feeling and shrugged.

“It’s okay Jared – don’t, don’t worry about it,” I assured him, and he looked surprised.

“R-really?”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it,” I whispered, and he looked a little relieved.

“Okay, thanks,” he whispered, and I nodded, choking back my disappointment.

We sat and talked for a little longer, until Jared got a text to get back so he didn’t miss his curfew.

“Thanks for having me over,” he said, and I nodded.

“Thanks for watching with me,” I managed a small smile, and he gave me an awkward hug before leaving. As soon as the door shut I slid down it, letting the tears roll down my cheeks. Obviously he thought it was a mistake to try and kiss me; and why wouldn’t it be? He had his choice of girls at school, I was the friend, the tom-boy friend, and aside from that I couldn’t hold a candle to the girls at school. They were all pretty, and talented, then there was me. I was average, I didn’t stand out, and I wasn’t anywhere as pretty as any of them. Why would he like a girl like me? How could I let myself have feelings for him knowing all of this?

How could I have been so stupid?