Andria

I’m scared of the dark, always have been.

I remember being around five or six and having my mother check my closet or underneath my bed for monsters. I always felt them creeping around and leaving an aroma unlike any other. I feared whatever monster I felt. As I grew up I realized that the monster I have always wished would just vanish and leave me be was not what I really dreamed it would be. The monster, soulless and mean, was me. I had turned into my own fear.

So tonight, underneath the cold moon and stars that never allowed their wishes on me; I slipped on my highest heels, shortest shorts, and teased my long auburn hair. Slipping out of my window, I walked the streets of Grand Rapids, Michigan. Checking my old purse, I made sure my fake I.D was safely inside one of the torn pockets, just in case I needed it later. I reached Iris lane and waited. I had to forget my fears a long time ago or else they would control me. I’m in control of myself.

I’ve been doing the same thing for too long, it seems. I wait until some creep pulls up and asks me what I can do. When they are done with what they want, they throw their dirty money at me, without even looking at my face and drive away quickly. Sometimes they’ll mumble names of past lovers.

Once, I heard a father call me his daughter’s name. And when everything is finished and gone, I go home to my mother and father and lie in bed and try not to scream or cry or die. No amount of therapy or help will ever get the feeling of guilt and confusion and hate out of my soul. I can’t blame anyone but myself.

Sometimes it’s easier to understand it when you can blame someone else… I can’t because everything I do is my own fault.

So as I stand alone on this quiet street I begin to wonder why everything happened and why I never stopped it. Why I never made one damn decision to end all the suffering. I hear it’s easy to do. Suicide, that is. I read the newspaper sometimes when I’m bored and I always see stories on how some kid jumped off a bridge or hung himself. I wish I could ask them now how it felt when they died and where they are now.

Is there really a heaven and hell? And if there’s one then the other must be real too, right? Did it hurt to have your parents find your lifeless body and see them mourning like children? Did they even cry at all? Did anyone?

I think I’m scared of death but truthfully I don’t feel anything when I think of it.

A black truck pulls up in front of me, knocking me out of my state of wondering, and skids to a stop. I walk up the driver’s side and lean against it as the window opens, revealing a cute boy.

“Hey.” He said his voice sounding like he ran out of breath. I nod at him and flash him a small smile. “So what do I do? I’m kind of new to this so…”

“Uh, depends on what you want.” I say as I look at his face. The darkness hides his face well but I can see his flawless skin clearly. His lips make me bite my lip softly.

“Can I have you for the whole night?” He asks as he looks into my green eyes. I nod slowly.

“It’ll cost you…” I add.

“I have money.” He whispers as I walk to the passenger side. “Uh, is it okay if I take you to my place? Cuz my truck is full of shit and I don’t want you to, like, hurt yourself or anything.” As I climb into the high truck and say “that’s fine” and watch him drive away from the lonely and cold corner. I feel a longing in the pit of my stomach to tell him to stop and walk back where I was, but I don’t. Instead, I just watch as he takes a cigarette from his pack and lights it.

“Want one?” He asks.

“Sure. Thanks.” I mumble as he hands me one. He lights it for me and smiles a little.

“So what’s your name?” He asks. I really want to tell him but I can’t.

“Jane, Yours?” I lied as I take a long drag, the smoke fills my insides and my heart beats faster.

“Jordan. I just want to know so I can say it later…” He says making me blush.

He smiles when I nervously braid my hair. “You’re really pretty.” My insides melt. I don’t know what to say but it doesn’t matter because the truck stops and Jordan gets out of the car. I start to open my door when he opens it for me. Confused, I watch him as he smiles and close the door, locking the car as we leave.

Suddenly, fear kicks it. What if he’s some sort of serial killer? Would he hurt me? He could. I can’t fight for shit. I’ve been beat before but I always had been able to get away. What if he locks the door and attacks me? Should I be frightened? Or thankful?

He unlocks the front door to his apartment and turns to me. He sees my nervous smile and he frowns. Grabbing my hand, he brings me inside and offers some alcohol. I say nod an approval and he goes to get some. Clothes are on the floor, the radio is on and playing some type of alternative rock, and a guitar is on the couch. I walk over to it and lightly strum it. Jordan walks in and hands me a beer. I take a small sip and try to smile.

“Alright, uh, you ready?” He asks. I nod and he walks up to me. He takes the drink from me and at first I think he was going to hit me with it, but instead he sets it down and walks to his bedroom.

I watch him as he throws some clothes off his bed and he grabs my hand again. He leans down and kisses my soft lips. My heart fluttered and I wanted more of him almost instantly. He keeps kissing me as he lets us fall on the bed slowly. My lips, my neck, my shoulder. At first his kisses were soft, now he’s getting more into it and is softly moaning. I start to tremble as he takes off his plaid shirt, revealing his toned body. He helps me take off my band tee and I notice him staring at my hips, where my scars are.

I grow insecure and think he’s going to tell me to leave but he just looks into my eyes and kisses me with passion. His skin smells sweet, like tulips. As he starts to unbutton my shorts I bite my lip nervously.

He whispered my pet name as he entered me...