Doubt

"Okay," Pete half slams his locker and faces me. "I've lasted about 2 weeks. I can't keep quiet anymore. Nic, what's wrong?"

Shit.

I close my eyes and throw my head against the locker, biting my lower lip nervously. "What do you mean?" I play dumb.

"Nic," he stands in front of me, giving me a stern look. "you know exactly what I'm saying. I asked you a while ago and you asked me to drop it, so I did. But I haven't you truly happy for months now, and it's killing me," he places a hand on my cheek. "what's wrong?"

I glance around nervously. Three girls walk past and hold their hearts as they see us together. A group of guys deliberately avert their eyes. The group of jocks walk past us and laugh with each other.

"Fags! FAGS!" One of them shouts and laughs with his little pals. Another reason why I hate being like this... The haters.

A teacher holding a cup of coffee walks between us, pushing Pete away from me gently. "Boys, you know the rules," he says as he barges past. The school has a rule of no passionate kissing as it may be considered rude if a visitor to the school happens to walk by. Personally, I think it's because the principle doesnt want us rubbing in the middle-aged, single teachers' faces. Besides... I've seen guys kissing girls in the hallway without being separated. The secret rule is: "No gay couples allowed. Wait until you are off the premises."

"Prick," Pete shakes his head when the teacher is out of hearing distance. He looks sorrowfully back into my eyes. "Talk to me."

"And say what?" I avoid his gaze.

"Niccy, you're--" he sighs, a puzzled look planted on his face. "you're making this really hard."

I raise a brow at this. "Making what hard?"

He takes a quick breath. "Us."

My chest explodes. "Are... Are you--"

"I'm not breaking up with you, Nic," he sighs. "It's just that I miss the old you. The on who's smile used to light up my world. It was enough to make me[/] smile when I was feeling shit. We don't have fun anymore, and I want to help you."

An awkward silence. Our eyes burn into each other silently as he waits for an answer. I want to tell him. I want to open my mouth and come clean about everything. The diary, how I feel, everything. But I can't. And I don't know why. I don't know how I talk to people about these things.

"I can't," I mutter, closing my eyes and tilting my head toward the floor. "Sorry, Pete."

He sighs again. "I've gotta get to class. See you later." he leans forward and kisses me gently before turning and disappearing down the hallway, into the busy crowd.

I throw my head back against the lockers, a huge groan escaping my lips.



I'm walking down the street, a 27-year-old man. It's 10 years away from now, but it's sure as hell happening. I'm walking past Starbucks... No, into it. Ordering a frappucino, I sit at a table and pull out a laptop. I seem to know what I'm doing as I open the spreadsheet and look at what seems to be an appointment list of some sort. I check my watch regularly. Am I waiting for someone? A boyfriend? A husband?

The door opens and Olivia enters the store. We're still speaking after all this time. She walks over and sits opposite me with a quick: "Hey."

"Hi," I nod slowly. I sound miserable.. In fact, I barely sound lie myself.

"Nic, are you feeling better?" she reaches over and places a hand on mine. Better? Something's going on...

"What do you mean?" I frown.

"Well, you know... Any improvements?" She looks hopeful for some reason. Her face hasn't changed that much, but here eyes are older. Wiser.

"Vi... Can you answer me a question?" I mutter. Why do I sound so pathetic? My voice drones like the annoying humming of something in someone else's house when you're trying to get to sleep. She gives a quick nod. "Explain to me honestly... What's been wrong with me?"

A look of awkwardness dawns on her face. "Well... Uh... Nic, you've been... Jesus Chr-- how do I say this?" she hadn't spoken to me directly yet. It's more to herself. "Nic, you're depressed. And not justice some sad cheerleader who lost her lipgloss last night... I mean really depressed. You haven't self harmed or anything... Which is a pity," there is a sudden harsh tone to her voice. "I mean, why wouldn't you feel like shit everyday of your life? You have no boyfriend. Pete dumped you before High School Graduation 9 years ago because you became so boring and useless. You haven't even touched a guy since him. You're stuck in a job that you know you hate. Organising appointments for people who are better laid than you? Please. You hate yourself for being gay, well you know what? Nic, get over it. You're life is a black hole right now because this one small feeling of self hatred is sucking every other aspect of your life down with it. You're a failure, Nic. A failure."

My attention snaps back to the living world. Mr Swann is jabbering on about equations at the front of the class. Was I asleep? Or simply daydreaming? I gaze down at the desk and find a small drawing of two people talking in a coffee shop... Was it me and Vi? Had I imagined an entire scene between the two of us?

The bell rings.

"Okay, class. Thank you for today, you've all been great. Don't forget the homework that is due in the next time I see you! Dismissed." he smiles warmly to us all and opens the door.

I let out a huge sigh for the tenth time today and leave the classroom. I wander through the filling hallways and head towards the art studio. Perching myself on my little stool outside the class I pull out my phone to check for any updates.

"Bianca Lopez went from being 'In A Relationship' to 'Single'." All of her friends have commented below, asking if she's okay. After about 15 unanswered concerns she finally posts that she is, in fact, "feeling like fucking shit actually guyys :/ x"

She thinks she has problems.

"I promise you it was amazing," the door to the studio opens and Pete comes out. He looks over at me and smiles. Although the sparkle that was in his eyes dims a little. "Oh, hey sweetie."

"Hey," I raise an eyebrow slightly, peeking over at Rees.

"Oh, Nic! This is Rees. Not sure if you guys have met yet?" he nods and steps back for us to shake hands. I shake it reluctantly.

"Hi, nice to meet you!" he chuckles as he shakes my hand.

"Back at you," I chuckle slightly. My heart sinks to my feet. The day had truly come. The day that I fuck everything up with Pete. He's bored of me, and why wouldn't he be? I'm down all the time, I rarely look up from the ground, I keep important details about used from him...

Rees is another one of the school's gays. Well, he came out last month as bi. Until then, Pete has never spoken to him. I told myself it was just really bad timing... I don't know if it's my shitty mood, or if it's my instincts, but something in my gut is agonizing me and telling me that Pete would much rather settle for 'happy Rees' than someone like me.

"Okay, we'll I'll see you around?" he smiles me. "And you," he grabs Pete's shoulders. "I'll see you tonight at 8." he laughs, giving Pete's shoulders a squeeze before leaving.

My heart falls through my feet, smashing through the ground. It plummets through the earths crust, delving deeper into the fiery core until it reaches Hell, and I've got the sick, most disgusting feeling that it's going to stay there forever.

"T-tonight?" I ask when he's gone, my voice breaking slightly.

"Yes... It's his sisters birthday party. He asked if I wanted to stop by," he smirks, placing an arm around my shoulder. There's a reason I wasn't invited... That fucking Rees is trying to get in Pete's pants... And he's going to say yes. And why? Because Rees hasn't forgotten how to smile.

"And... Do you even know his sister?" I swallow the burning lump in my throat.

He shakes his head, "No, I've actually never met her," he chuckles, shaking his head. He shrugs the subject aside and takes hold of my hand, leading me down the hallway.

It happens again. I want to smile, I try and force myself to... but I can't. With what feels like the weight of the world pushing down on my shoulders... how can I?

A stress-filled sigh pours out of Pete's mouth. "What's wrong, Nic?" he stops walking and turns to face me. "Please, just talk to me!"

"What the hell?" I frown up at him... I've never seen him like this. "Pete, why are you angry about this?"

"Because, you don't talk to me! You never have! Is it me? Can you not trust me or something?"

"No, Pete it's not that, I just--"

"Just what?" He's edged me against the lockers no, placing our foreheads together. His eyes burning into mine. The pace of his voice slows down. "Look, I feel that you don't want to be with me anymore, because if I can't make you smile then I'm clearly not doing a good job... And I don't want to be involved with someone if this is the way that things are going. I want a fun relationship, like it was when we first started seeing each other, Nic. Not this..."

My breathing becomes unsteady and my head spins. "So... so that's it?" I close my eyes to hide the tears. I'm not strong enough for this... I start trembling. Before I know it my hands grip onto to his shirt and my head is thrust into his chest. "Pete, please don't do this!"

"Nic, I wasn't going to, but you've made it impossible for too long now. I love you, okay? But--" he shakes his head, wrapping his arms around me. His head snuggles into my shoulder. "I'm not breaking up with you, Nic... But I need you to make it easier for me to stay with you."

His voice is muffled by the material of my shirt. I stay in his arms, the warmth of his body strangely feels like enough to make my world shine just that little bit brighter.

"I-- I can't" I stutter again, pulling away form Pete and wiping my eyes. "I can't talk to you about that." I keep my eyes to the floor.

"For fuck's sake, Nic..."

"Why can't we just be happy like this?"

"Because you're not happy! You don't smile... ever! You're being miserable and you're not telling anyone about it. It pisses me off, Nic! We're supposed to be open with each other, and you're just completely leaving me in the dark!" he shouts under his breath, not wanting to cause a scene.

"Pete, please don't shout..." I lean against the lockers and cover my face. The harsh tone of his voice is enough to shatter the world he was just lighting up.

He takes a step back from me. His mouth opens slightly and he takes a small breath, preparing to talk. It simply closes again. He shakes his head slightly and turns away from me.

People around us stare... they think they're being subtle. Pete walks down the hallway, shoving his hands into his pockets.

The crowds continue to stare... they stare at me, I'm now alone at the lockers. Girls are holding their hearts again at the thought of the cute gay couple separating, guys suddenly feel the need to stare also. Typical, they spend half their school day trying not to look at us... and now they can't take their eyes off of me.

All these people staring... and not one of them offer me their help.