Long Way

I spent the weekend with Sharon at her condo. It was so nice of her to let me stay, but I just had to get back to my house. I missed my dog. So, the second she left the condo to go to work, I called Craig to have him sneak me back to my place. Willa wasn't going to be there, but I could always call my dad and have him or mom drop her off after they got out of work.

I stared out the window on the passenger side of Craig's Buick Regal, watching all of the familiar sights of the city pass by. We pulled off of the exit, and drove into the neighborhood. Everything seemed a little darker there. Street punks stood around on the street along with homeless people. Graffitti covered abandoned buildings and homes. And yet there was still some kind of energy here. Maybe it was because you could get mugged at any minute. Maybe it was because the city was so close by, you could feel something different happening around you.

Craig pulled around to my neighborhood, which was nicer than some of the neighboring areas, like where Declan grew up. My place was in a nice suburb, surrounded by homes that all looked similar. Mine was painted light yellow, with white trim around the windows and doors and a big covered front porch.

When we pulled in the driveway I saw Declan's Blazer sitting in the driveway. He was sitting on the front steps smoking a cigarette, apparently waiting for me.

I could feel Craig's eyes on me as I stared down at my lap. I still didn't feel right. I had called yesterday and scheduled myself a Doctor's appointment for tomorrow. But seeing Declan right now wasn't helping. Travis and Shawn had been bonded out. I should have expected the same for Declan, but for whatever reason I didn't.

"Do you want me to go get rid of him?" Craig asked me. He wasn't much for feelings or emotions. He was the kind of guy who laughed when someone fell. Kittens and baby shoes didn't do much for him.

"No, its fine," I said, wiping my eyes with the sleeve of my leather jacket. "I should go see what he wants."

"You sure?" I nodded quickly, not sure at all. It would be so easy to just send Declan away and avoid all of this. But it just wasn't realistic.

"Thank you for bringing me home." Craig leaned across the car and gave me a hug.

"Take care of yourself. Do you need a ride tomorrow?"

"I might."

"Let me know. I have tomorrow off work too, so I'm free if you need me."

"Thanks." I got out of the car and held the door open.

"I'll call you," I told him. He nodded and I closed the door.

I took a deep breath and walked across the front lawn. My landlords must have come to mow the lawn one last time before winter hit. I shoved my hands in my jacket pockets and looked down as I walked, focusing on getting to the steps so I would have something to hang on to because the nausea was setting in again, and I was starting to feel lightheaded.

I looked up when I got to the steps and saw Declan putting out his cigarette on the bottom step, the kick it off into the yard. I placed my hand firmly on the concrete hand railing, and took a few deep breaths. I was determined to be strong here, even though I felt anything but.

"You okay?" he asked me, noticing my obviously fragile appearance.

"Rephrase that question, please," I said, shaking my head. I walked up the steps slowly and sat down on the top one. One step up from where he was sitting.

"Are you sick?" he asked.

"I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Have you been to a doctor?"

"I'm going tomorrow for a check-up and to have some bloodwork done." He nodded and looked down at his feet. We were quiet for a while. I could feel a cold breeze on my face and it made me feel a lot better. A storm was coming in.

I observed Declan for a few minutes when he wasn't looking. He had jeans on, and a light grey shirt on under his unzipped leather jacket. It took me a second to realize that my outfit was pretty much the same, but in a girl version. His hair looked like it had been combed this morning, but looked now like the day had been rough. There was a tiny cut on his lower lip.

"What happened to your face?" I asked him. He smirked a little.

"You hit me." I felt my eyes widen.

"You don't remember?" he asked.

"I do. I didn't think I hit you that hard."

"It was right up there with some of the best hits I've ever taken." I felt like I should apologize, but I didn't.

"When did you get out?" I asked.

"Yesterday. Mo put some piece of shit car up at the garage as my bond."

"Are you staying with him?"

"Yeah. I guess, since I'm probably not welcome here anymore." I blew out a sigh.

"Declan, I can't even begin to tell you what I'm feeling right now. I'm trying to figure things out in my head. Everyone around me says and thinks that this should just be the last straw. I should be done with you, and not think twice about it. But its not like that. Its not that easy to do."

"Sometimes in life, you gotta do the hard things." I felt a tear fall down my cheek and I rushed to wipe it away. We fell into silence again. I could feel my stomach turning, and I held onto it, hoping it would go away.

"I didn't do all of the things that I'm charged with, Diana. I just don't know if its worth fighting for."

I didn't say anything. My mind was rushing with thoughts, but I couldn't voice any of them.

"Chad came to me a while after we broke up the last time. He told me he had a couple jobs for me, and since I had worked for him in the past, I told him that I'd do it. I met him the next night in the city outside of some titty bar. Your brother and Shawn were there too. Chad told us that he wanted us to break in to this house and pick up some things for him. I figured that these people had something that belonged to Chad and were giving him problems trying to get it back, no big deal. He told us that he had already sent someone through the house and that security wouldn't be a problem. Then he told us where the place was and whatever, and that since we all knew each other, that the three of us would go in together," he said, pausing to lick his lips. The whole time he was talking I was shaking my head in disbelief. I could picture it all so well.

"Shawn has never liked me, so he wanted nothing to do with working with me. Travis didn't care one way or the other, and between him and Chad, they convinced him that it would be fine. So we went inside the bar and had a few drinks and agreed to meet at Chad's office the next night after the job was done. Everything went well, we got in alright. I stood watch by the door and just made sure that Travis and Shawn were doing alright because I knew that they had never done anything like that before. While I was waiting for them, I was looking around and I saw a folder from Petracelli's office, full of information on the homes brand new security system. That's when it hit me what was going on. So the three of us got out of there and went back to Chad's office. He gave Travis and Shawn their cash and they cruised, but I stuck around to find out what the scoop was."

I took a deep breath of cool air, trying to settle my stomach. I placed my hands on my forehead and massaged a little as he kept talking.

"I told him that I wanted nothing to do with it. I wanted my cash, and I was done. He tried to change my mind and talk me out of it, but then he finally gave me the cash and I left. I left town, and he tried to get ahold of me a few times, but I ignored him. When I came back I heard from some people that the break-ins were still going on, and that Shawn and Travis were in deep. I tried to talk to them and get them out of it, but Shawn refused. It was obvious to me that he was the balls in that operation, and since I was the one saying it, he wasn't going to listen. I pulled Travis aside too, and that didn't work. He wasn't gonna leave Shawn on his own. By this time they were both getting into the dope. Chad didn't even have to give them money anymore. It made me sick, ya know?" I shook my head again. Everything he said added up. Declan had never done hard drugs. He smoked some pot in school, but he quit doing that before he met me. I knew that shit didn't impress him.

"When Chad found out that I was back in town, he tried to persuede me into working for him again. I was already back with you and wanted no part of it, plus I was pissed off at him for giving a kid dope."

"That night at Leon's," I said, coming to a realization. I looked over at him and he nodded.

"That night, and there were others. With the whole thing going on with Mo, and having Belsi's guys on my back... It had gone too far. Then you were investigating the whole thing for Petracelli. It was a mess. You and I were getting back on track again, and I was getting my life back in order."

"And you said nothing," I said sharply.

"What was I supposed to say? How do you tell the person you love the most in this world that her family was in deep shit and that she was investigating them, and that I had been a part of it?"

"How could you not? You just let me go on believing a complete lie. You lied to me everyday. I asked you what was wrong, what you were keeping from me, and you lied to me. Do you know how stupid I feel? I keep going back over everything, and it was right in front of my face. That same night that Chad came up to you at Leon's. I heard you saying something to him about giving pot to kids, that same day we had caught Shawn with the dope in my house. That same night you told me to start thinking like a punk, and I would figure it out. It was right there the whole fucking time! You were in my bed every night. I should have seen it."

"You couldn't have seen it. Chad had it all covered up."

"All you had to do was tell me."

"I didn't want to ruin what we had going."

"You didn't think that keeping it from me was going to ruin things? You had to know that I was going to find out."

He was silent, and I was crying. He didn't approach me at all. He knew better than to touch me when I was this upset. I stood up and wiped my tears away, and leaned against the railing.

"You have a fast life, Declan. And you know, I just don't think I can take it anymore. I'm not the girl I used to be. I'm getting older. I want to settle down and have kids and a white picket fence, and all of the things that we talked about when we lived in my parents basement."

"Those were simpler times, D."

"I just don't understand why you don't want it with me. Don't you get it? This life has cut away everything you have. Your family, your friends, me. What is it going to take? Your best friend Lincoln, went to prison before it sunk in for him. And guess what, Declan? You're on your way if you keep this shit up! Is that what you want?"

"I'm not going to prison."

"Oh really? What are you going to do if you're convicted? Run away again? Live like a fugitive? That's no way to live, Declan. You always talked down about your father because he drank and he didn't give a fuck about his kids, or anything in his life. You're doing the same things!"

"Do not compare me to my father. I never beat you. I never berated you or anyone else that I supposedly loved, like he did! I am nothing like him."

"It's making me sick, Declan," I said calmly. "I can't sleep at night. I wake up tired. This whole weekend I was throwing up and lightheaded. I can't live like this anymore."

"So what? We're done?" I started crying again.

"I shoulda never come here," he said, standing up.

"Sharon's gonna be here soon. You should probably get out of here," I wimpered, wiping at my eyes.

He stood on the steps for a few minutes and lit another cigarette. The smell of it made me want to hurl right then and there, but I resisted.

"I didn't mean to hurt you," he said. "I'm sorry that I made you cry."

He came over to me then, and kissed my forehead gently.

"I love you, okay?" I reached out and tried to grab him, but he pushed my hands away. I nodded my head, accepting his I love you. And then he turned and walked down the steps. It was raining now. As the night got cooler it would probably turn to snow.

I watched as he backed out of the driveway, and and drove away. Then I went inside.

I ran into the bathroom and puked violently into the toilet. My chest hurt when I was done, so I went out to the kitchen and made myself a glass of coffee milk, and took it into the living room to drink. The house felt empty without Willa, but I couldn't make myself call my parents to bring her home. I knew that if one of them brought her here I would have to talk to them, and that was more than I could bear.

As obvious as it was to everyone else in my life, I couldn't let Declan go. He was the love of my life. And as many times as he'd left me, and hurt me, I couldn't let him go.

At about ten o' clock I heard Sharon's car pull in my driveway. I hadn't told her that I was leaving, so I'm sure she freaked out when she got to her condo and found me gone. I couldn't bring myself to get up out of the chaise when she pounded on the back door. I could hear her yelling for me to answer, then she got quiet for a few minutes. Looking for the spare key, I thought to myself.

After a few minutes she found it and pushed her way into the house.

"Dammit, Diana. What are you doing here? I told you not to leave."

"I'm sorry," I said quietly.

"You should have waited for me."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop saying that. How long have you been here?"

"I don't know. Craig drove me."

"Did something happen?"

"Declan was here."

"Oh my God. That piece of shit. It's a good thing he was gone when I got here. What did he want?" I shook my head. I really didn't need to hear this from Sharon.

"I'm just so embarassed. I don't even want to go back to work. Everyone there is going to be staring at me like I was trying to get them in trouble or something, when it was my family and boyfriend the whole time."

"Try not to think about that right now. One step at a time. You have to go to the doctor tomorrow, and we'll find out whats wrong with you and go from there. Martin is not gonna want you at work in the shape you're in right now." I nodded.

"We should get you to bed." I nodded again, mostly just to please her. I knew that I wasn't going to sleep.

"I'll stay the night with you. And I will call your mom in the morning and have her bring Willa back."

"You don't have to stay."

"I don't want you to be alone if something happens."

"I'll be fine."

"You will be fine, because right now you're going to bed and you're going to let me take care of you." I gave her a fake smile.

"Thank you."

"Don't mention it."

She walked with me into my room and made my bed while I changed into some sweats and a t-shirt. I got into bed and she covered me up and shut my light off, then walked out of the room, shutting the door behind her.

I laid there awake, listening as she went into the spare bedroom and fixed the bed up in there for her to sleep on. It was so nice of her to stay with me and help me, but I really just wanted to be alone. I understood her reasoning for not wanting me to be alone, in case something happened to me. But at this point it really didn't matter to me.

I wondered what Declan was doing. Probably at some bar getting drunk. He was probably by himself, not wanting to involve Lincoln in his fucked up life. I could imagine him walking back to the garage and sneaking in so Mo didn't hear him. Then getting up the next morning and going to work with the hangover from hell. And repeating it again the next night. Punishing himself. Probably getting into more trouble.

My stomach clenched and I curled up into a fetal position. It was how I was now used to sleeping. The last time I was in this bed was with Declan, holding me because he knew I wasn't feeling good. That was the morning he was arressted. I wished I could go back to that morning and just put it on pause. Pretend that none of this had ever happened.

That was the last thing I thought about before I fell asleep.