Long Way

I was finally starting to feel like myself again. For whatever reason the winter weather had decided to hold off one more week, and the sun was shining brightly. Like a brisk fall day. I had gotten my car back from my parents. Willa was home. And since I'd been to the doctor three days ago, I was actually feeling better. I was very hopeful for a return to work on Monday.

When I rounded the corner onto my street, I saw Declan's Blazer parked in my driveway with the nose of the car pointed out towards the road. I found this a little odd. I hadn't seen him for four days when he showed up at my house and we got into it. The oddest part of this was, I wasn't unhappy to see him.

I parked in my usualy spot next to him, got out, and walked around the front of his car.

When I got to the drivers side door, I saw him hoisting his big black duffle bag across to the passenger side. That's when it hit me. He was leaving.

"D, what are you doing?" I asked him. He didn't look at me.

"You can't go. Where are you going?" I asked again.

"Just... don't worry about it, Diana."

"What do you mean don't worry about it? Where are you going?"

"Away."

"I don't want you to go. You can't go."

"I have to."

"No you don't, Declan. You can't go." I tried to push myself in between him and the truck, but he held his ground and easily overpowered my 5'1, 98 pound figure. He grabbed me around my upper arms tightly and pushed me towards the house.

"No!" I screamed, pulling away from him. He let go of me and held his hands up. He knew it wasn't cool to put his hands on me like that.

"I'm sorry."

"You can't go."

"I have to, Diana."

"No you don't. You don't have to go anywhere."

"It's the only way. If I stayed I would be in your way, and I don't want that."

"In the way of what?" I was crying, but trying to hold it back unsuccessfully.

"Of everything you've talked about. Getting married, a family, the white picket fence. If I'm here, you can't do that. That’s why I have to go."

"I wanted that with you!"

"I can't give that to you."

"Yes you can! You haven't even tried!"

"You don't think I've tried to give you everything that you've wanted? I can't do it. I just let you down."

"No. You don't let me down. Please, I need you." He took a deep breath.

"What I give to you, isn't what you need anymore," he said very calmly and quietly.

"Please don't go."

"You are gonna find some great guy. Someone like Linc, whose gonna give you all of that stuff that you want."

"No."

"You need to let me go." I shook my head violently.

"No!"

"Yes, D. Please don't make this harder than it already is." I just stood there and sobbed. I couldn't believe he was leaving me like this. It probably would have been easier if I had just drove on by. I had never witnessed his leaving before. He probably figured that I was at work. Usually he left in the middle of the night. If I had just gone the rest of my life without seeing him again, it would have been easier than going through this.

"I have to go," he said quietly.

"No." He turned away from me and got into his truck, and I flung myself against it, trying to find something to grab onto.

"No, Declan, don't go!" I screamed as he started the truck. I didn't ever look back at me. He put the truck in gear and started to pull out of the driveway slowly.

I screamed and tried to hang on to the truck, running alongside it until he got to the end of the driveway.

"Don't leave me!" I bawled. He turned and headed towards the freeway, leaving me standing at the end of my driveway crying.

I stood there for a few seconds until I couldn't see his taillights anymore, then I walked back to the house.

Willa was jumping around all excited. She could hear Declan's voice outside, and she wanted to see him. I let her out to discover that he was gone on her own. She sniffed around and stared out at the end of the driveway, knowing that she couldn't go out there. She turned and looked at me with her big, beautiful brown eyes, then looked back out at the road.

"Come on, baby," I called to her. She happily ran back up on the porch with me, and ran in to the house.

I followed her in, immediately feeling weak and lightheaded. I rushed into my bathroom and dropped to my knees in front of the toilet, puking as soon as I got there. Sharon wasn't here. I was used to having her there to hold my hair up with I puked. I grabbed my own hair with one hand and managed to hold it back until I finished.

After I flushed the mess down the toilet, I got up and put my hair into a high bun, rinsed my mouth out with some Jameson that was in my cupboard, then took two Advil because my head was pounding.

The phone started ringing just as I was swallowing down the two amber colored pills. I thought about ignoring it until the answering machine picked it up and I heard my doctors voice.

"Hello Diana, this is Dr. Cross calling with the results of your labs. You can call me b-" I picked up the receiver and put it up to my ear.

"This is Diana," I said with a sniffle.

"Hello, how are you today?"

"I've been better."

"How are you feeling?"

"A little lightheaded. I'm going to make myself something to eat and see if that helps, though."

"I have the results from your lab work."

"Did you find anything?"

"Well, I think we have found the reason for your recent illness. The lab tech ran everything and it all came back normal, but at the last second, after looking at your chart and seeing your symptoms, she ran another test."

"What kind of test?" I asked.

"A pregnancy test." I fell back onto the couch hard. My heart felt like it had fell into my stomach and was racing.

"A pregnancy test?"

"Yes. I am happy to report that you are pregnant, Diana."

"I'm pregnant?"

"Yes ma'am. Now, I would like to schedule you for an ultrasound tomorrow, so we can figure out how far along you are and how everything is doing. I'm also going to prescribe you with some pre-natal vitamins. How does eleven thirty sound to you?"

"That’s fine," I said in a dazed voice.

"Alright, we will see you tomorrow then. Congratulations, Diana."

"Thank you," I said, and hung up the phone.

I couldn't believe it. I was pregnant. My boyfriend had just left me, and I was pregnant. I thought for a split second about the timing and decided there was no way that I could have been pregnant from when Martin and I had been together. That was at least three months ago. I would have noticed something before now, and I'd had my period since then. No, this baby was definitely Declan's.

I looked down at Willa, who was sitting on the floor by me with her head rested on my leg. I pet her gently.

"Guess what, Willa? We're having a baby." She raised her ears a little but didn't raise her head up to look at me.

*******************************************************************************************************

The next day, I drove myself home from my ultrasound. I hadn't told anyone that I was pregnant yet. I wanted to wait until I had figured everything out about how far along I was.

Turns out I am about six weeks pregnant. Declan was back for about seven and a half of those, so it was definitely his baby. I had the prescription filled for the vitamins, and the doctor gave me a bunch of paper work on how to take care of myself to ensure a healthy pregnancy. He also told me that the sickness should wear off soon. Thank God. I was also told that if I was feeling up to it, I could go back to work on Monday.

I was finally getting what I had always wanted. Declan's baby. But now I was so conflicted. Declan was gone, so I wasn't really getting anything. I would have the baby, but I wouldn't have him. I honestly didn't know if I could do it without him.

My phone rang while I was standing on the porch letting Willa outside. I answered to hear my mother's voice.

"Hello?" I said.

"Hey, what are you doing?"

"Nothing. Letting Willa outside."

"Oh okay. How are you feeling?"

"A little better."

"Good."

"What's up?" I asked her.

"Nothing. I was just getting ready to make some dinner and was wondering if you were going to come over."

"What are you making?"

"White chicken chili and cornbread."

"That sounds good. Yeah, I should come over. I need to talk to you and dad anyways."

"OK. Something serious?"

"Um, yeah. But I'm not dying or anything, so don't worry."

"OK. I'll see you tonight then? Around five."

"Alright, I'll be there." We hung up and I called Willa back into the house, and grabbed my purse and car keys.

I drove to Leon's to talk to Sharon. I had to tell someone what was going on."

I walked in and sat down at the bar. It wasn't very busy, seeing as it was only about two in the afternoon.

"What's up?" she asked.

"I need to tell you something."

"Should I sit down?"

"Maybe. Declan left town again."

"No surprise. If he doesn't go to court he'll be picked up again."

"I know. There's something else though."

"What?"

"I'm pregnant." She stared at me for a few seconds, blinking. Then she took a deep breath.

"How far along are you?"

"About six weeks. It's definitely Declan's if that's what you're thinking." She nodded, then looked down at the bar.

"Goddamn him."

"He doesn't know." She looked up at me.

"I found out right after he left."

"What are you gonna do?"

"What can I do? I have no way of getting in touch with him, and that’s how he wants it."

"So you're just not gonna tell him he has a kid on the way?"

"Keep your voice down, please. I would prefer if not everyone knew before I even told my parents."

"Or have Declan find out before you tell him?"

"Exactly."

"You have to tell him, Di."

"How am I supposed to do that?"

"He hasn't left town yet." My brows went together.

"How do you know?"

"I know these things."

"Is there something more that you're not telling me?"

"I've heard some things, but nothing of significance. He hasn't left town yet." I sighed.

"You have to find him and tell him." I nodded.

"I have to go tell my parents tonight."

"Yes."

"I'll call and tell Craig later."

"I can tell him if you don't feel up to it. You've had quite the last couple days it sounds like."

"Yeah." She reached across the bar and pat me on the shoulder and gave me a soothing smile.

"It's gonna be alright." I nodded and got up and left the bar.

I drove around until I was out of gas, then I went to a gas station and filled up my tank. Then I went home and called into work and told them that I would be in on Monday morning. After that it was close enough to five for me to justify driving over to my parents place.

When I got there, I walked right into the house without announcing my arrival. Both of my parents were in the kitchen when I came in.

"Where's Travis?" I asked.

"Downstairs. I don't know if he's coming up for dinner or not. I told him what we were having and when we were eating. That's all I can do."

"How is he doing with everything?"

"Fine. He mostly stays downstairs and watches TV or listens to music."

"Which is pretty normal behavior," My dad piped in.

"You guys should sit down. I need to tell you something." My dad grabbed a beer and sat down at the dining room table across from me. My mom sat at the head of the table.

"What's up, love?" my dad asked.

"No easy way to say this, so I'll just get it out. I'm pregnant."

"Oh my gosh, Diana, that’s great!" my mother said happily, standing up and hugging me. My dad smiled and slapped my hand on the table.

"Before you get too excited, there is something else I have to tell you."

I broke into the whole story about Declan leaving. Neither one of them said anything, but I could tell my dad was pretty upset.

"You need to find him and tell him. A kid needs it's dad. He needs to step up and do the right thing by his child," he said.

"I know. I don't know how to find him, though."

"You'll figure something out. He isn't going to go too far before the trial though."

"It's no big deal if he skips his bond though. Mo just put up some old shitty car at the shop."

"He isn't going to live on the run." I thought about our conversation the other day when I asked him about living on the run. I wasn't too sure that wasn't an option for him, though I prayed differently.

We ate dinner and afterwards I went back home. I called and told Craig the news, and immediately after we hung up, Kevin called me right back, so excited he could hardly speak. He couldn't wait for me to have a baby. I wished that I could share his enthusiasm.

I went to bed early and laid there for over an hour thinking about my situation. Trying to think of how I was going to find Declan and tell him before news spread all over town. I swore my family and friends to secrecy, but in this neighborhood, that didn't always guarantee anything.

I came up with my plan for the weekend, then I fell asleep. It's a lot of work having your life be a train wreck in slow motion.