Long Way

Its been two days since Declan has been back. This is my second day back at work, and I’m still working to get back in the swing of things. It seemed weird to be back just pushing paper and not having to worry about the robberies.

All of the guys here seemed to be back to normal and not as tense as they were when the investigation was going on. I made sure to tell Martin not to let any of the guys act weird around me because of my involvement.

The only people that know about the pregnancy are my family and friends, Declan, Lincoln, and Mo. I don’t even think that Declan has told his father and sister yet. I didn’t feel the need to bring it up to Martin until absolutely necessary.

I was sitting at my computer working on the payroll when Martin came into my office. His right eye was swollen and had a dark colored bruise under it, and his bottom lip was cut.

“Oh my God, what happened to you?” I asked him. Martin had fighting skill, and almost always had someone like Ramon with him. So I was shocked to see him in this condition. When he sat down he grimaced in pain, giving me reason to believe that he had a bruised rib too.

“Do you need anything?” I asked him.

“No. Thank you.”

“What happened?”

“DeSoto and Corey Lucca jumped me last night in the Leon’s parking lot. Declan said something about being goddamned if I thought I was going to raise his kid, then they beat the shit out of me.”

“Oh my God,” I whispered, falling forward in my chair until my elbows hit my knees.

The night before, Declan and I had pretty much been in the same place we were the night he came home. He told me that he was leaving to get some air for a while. I was asleep when he came back, but when I woke up and he was beside me, he had smelled like booze.

“Is there something you need to tell me, Diana, about maybe why this happened. And why Declan would have reason to believe that I was going to be raising a child that he doesn’t even have?”

I looked up at him feeling absolutely gutted.

“I’m pregnant.” He nodded and looked like his was thinking.

“How far along are you?”

“Six weeks.” He did more of the nodding thing. I felt like I was sixteen or something, telling my father that I was pregnant.

“So there is no possibility that the child you’re carrying is mine?”

“Not in that amount of time. I’ve, uh, been with Declan since then. It works out.”

“And when did Declan find out that we spent the night together?” I snapped my head up and gave him a shocked look.

“He didn’t. He’s never said anything to me.”

“He made mention to me last night that he knew, and that it wasn’t going to happen again.”

“Oh my God,” I said again. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I had only been back at work for not even two days yet. And the only reason I was gone to begin with is because of something horrible that Declan did to my boss, and here we were again in the same position. I felt sick to my stomach.

“Maybe I should leave you alone for now. Whenever you feel the need to take off work, you will get paid time off. Doesn’t matter how long it is, let Ramon know and he’ll take care of it for you.”

“Thank you. I am so sorry for this.”

“It’s not your fault.”

I knew in my heart of hearts that it wasn’t really my fault, but right now I was so embarrassed that it definitely made me feel like it was my fault.

Once I was pretty sure that Martin was back in his office, I got up and grabbed my purse and black leather trench, and headed out of my office. I pushed the elevator down, and while I waited I put my coat on and left it untied.

When I got to the parking garage I beeped my car unlocked and drove out onto the now snowy road. Boston had turned into a winter wonderland practically overnight. I drove cautiously back into Dorchester to the garage and parked out on the street.

I stomped across the parking lot into the shop where they sold some auto related things. Air fresheners, windshield washing fluid, batteries, headlight bulbs, and things like that. Mo was sitting behind the counter on a stool. He smiled when he saw me.

“Well, aren’t you a sight for these sore old eyes,” he said.

“Hi Mo. Is Dec here?”

“He sure is, baby. You want me to get him for you?”

“That’s alright. I’ll surprise him,” I said, walking to the door that led back to the garage.

As soon as I entered the garage I heard Slayer playing on the radio, my first sign that Declan was nearby, and not in a good mood. Fine by me. Neither was I.

I saw him and Lincoln with their heads under the hood of an Impala. Declan turned his head at the sound of my heels clicking against the concrete floor, and stood up straight as I got closer. I was right, he wasn’t in a good mood.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” I yelled at him to be heard over the music.

“What?!” he practically spit.

“You know exactly what.”

“I am not having this conversation with you here.”

“The fuck you’re not!”

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Diana?”

“How about the fact that you and Corey Lucca jumped my fucking boss last night and beat the shit out of him? How about that? You don’t think I have a right to be fucking irate, after everything you have put me through lately, now you’ve done this?!”

“Your boss, on who you have on such a high fucking pedestal, is a fucking pussy ass cock sucker. And I’ll be goddamned if he thinks he’s gonna swoop in and raise my fucking kid.”

“Who said anything about him raising this baby, Declan? I’m trying to make this thing work between us so we can raise this baby together. But then you go out and do a thing like this? What the fuck is that?!”

“You’re right, I’m wrong, as usual. Why don’t you go fuck him again to get back at me.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I know you fucked him so drop the act.”

“So what if I did fuck him, Declan? Where the fuck were you? Who were you fucking, huh?!”

We were in each others faces screaming our heads off over the loud metal music. Lincoln was standing back staring at us, ready to jump in if necessary. He had been witness to our fights like this before. He knew it was only a matter of time.

“I didn’t fuck nobody!”

“Yeah, I fucking believe that.”

“I didn’t!”

“Is that what this is about, Declan? You being jealous?”

“I am not fucking jealous of Petracelli. If you want him, go. Fucking have that motherfucker. But know this, he will not raise my child.”

“You aren’t going to raise your child either if you keep acting like this.”

“Is that a fucking threat?!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” I looked over and saw that Mo had come up beside us and was waving his arms around for us to stop. Lincoln had disappeared and a second later, the music was shut off.

“What is going on out here?” he demanded. Declan and I were both looking down at our feet.

“Sorry,” Declan said in a voice that was barely audible.

“You should be sorry. You two need to get your asses beat, acting like that in my place of business. I don’t care what is going on in your personal life, Declan DeSoto, but when you leave it at home where it belongs, you understand me?”

“Yes sir,” he said, still looking down at his shoes.

“Now get back to work, both of you,” he said, looking at Lincoln too. They both scrambled to get back to work, then Mo looked at me.

“May I have a word with you in the front?”

“Yes,” I said quietly. I looked over and saw Declan looking over at us, then he quickly looked away before Mo could see him.

I felt even more embarrassed now that I had before. Having Mo scold Declan like that was horrible, especially for him. Mo had been like a father to Declan for all of these years, and I knew Declan didn’t like him to see things like that. He was very protective of Mo, and didn’t want him to know when he was having problems.

When Mo and I got to the shop, we both walked behind the desk. He sat on the stool he had been sitting on when I first came in, and I stood.

“Now, tell me what was going on in there,” he said in a quiet, soothing voice. I took a deep breath.

“It’s nothing. Just blown way out of proportion, you know?” He cocked his head at me with a face that told me he knew better and to stop treating him like he was stupid.

“Declan wouldn’t want me to tell you. It’s no big deal, honest.”

“Two people don’t fight like you two were fighting, over something that isn’t no big deal,” he said.

“Declan and I both have a temper sometimes.”

“You don’t need to be fighting like that no more. It’s bad for that baby you havin’. Let me ask you this, have you had anything to eat today?” I bit my lip and looked down at my feet.

“Yes.” He reached out and chucked me on the chin so I lifted my head up.

“You quit lying to me, baby girl.”

“No.”

“I want you to get out of here now, take the day off of work because you’re not gonna be any good to no one like this. Go home and get yourself and that baby something to eat. I’ll talk to Declan DeSoto.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I just told you what to do, didn’t I? I don’t wanna hear no arguing.”

“Yes sir.” I went over and gave him a small peck on the cheek, and walked out to my car.

He was right, I wasn’t going to get any work done today. I called in to Ramon and lied about being sick and going home for the rest of the day, and that I would be in tomorrow. Then I drove to the store to get some food.

The store in the neighborhood was family owned by the same people who had owned it my entire life. I had gone to school with the youngest son, and I had worked here bagging groceries when I was fifteen.

I could feel the people staring at me. I could imagine my mother getting phone calls from her friends just checking in, then mentioning seeing Diana in the store today, and “is she pregnant?”

I tried to ignore everyone, and pick out something to make for dinner. I grabbed some chicken breasts and tossed them in my cart. When I looked up, I saw Declan’s dad.

“Hello,” I said to him.

“Fancy seeing you here,” he said.

“Has Declan told you the news?”

“What news?”

“We’re pregnant.” He raised his eyebrows.

“And you’re happy about that?”

“I am, yes.”

“Good luck getting child support.”

“We are going to raise the baby together.” He snorted and went back to checking out the meat selection.

“Heaven help the spawn of that loser.”

“That’s not a very good way to speak of your future grandchild.” He looked back up at me.

“I’m sorry. Any child will be lucky to have you as a mother, it’s just it’s father that spoils things for it.” I stayed quiet for a few seconds.

“I just thought I would let you know,” I said.

“I wish I could say congratulations.” I nodded and walked away.

I had a hard time concentrating after my conversation with Declan’s father.

I drove back to my house and took care of my groceries, and changed into a pair of sweats and a tank top, tossing my hair up into a ballerina bun on top of my head.

I laid on the couch and took a nap with Willa after I had a sandwich and some crackers. The morning sickness was gone, so I could eat again. Before when I was puking all the time, I could hardly eat, and I had lost about five pounds. My doctor was on me about trying to gain some weight, but the stress with Declan was keeping me from eating.

I had only been asleep for about an hour when I was woken up by the back door opening, and Willa jumping off of the couch. I sat up and saw Declan entering through the kitchen. He looked at me without saying anything, and then went into our room and came back out with some clean clothes in his hands. He went into the bathroom and a few minutes later I heard him get in the shower.

I got up and went into the kitchen and started making dinner. I pan fried two chicken breasts that I had beaten with a meat tenderizer, and made some potatoes, and was working on putting together some side salads when Declan came out of the bathroom.

He walked into the kitchen and took a beer out of the fridge, and leaned with his back against the counter to drink it, observing what I was doing.

“Will you finish the chicken, please?” I asked him quietly. He didn’t say anything. He set his beer down on the counter and grabbed a bottle of white cooking wine from the fridge, pouring a little into the bottom of the pan. Then he opened the oven and set the pan inside, and then went back to drinking his beer.

I was finished with the salads. I took the two bowls and walked out to the dining room and he followed me with a bottle of dressing. We both sat down at the table and started eating.

“I saw your father at the store today,” I said, not looking up at him. When I did look up I found him staring at me unpleasantly.

“Yeah?” he said in the same inaudible voice that he spoke to Mo in earlier today.

“I uh, told him about the baby.” He glared down at his salad, then slammed back in his chair and stood up, stomping back out to the kitchen. I heard the oven door open and him pulling out the chicken. He came back out after a few minutes, with two plates full of food.

“Thank you,” I said when he put my plate down in front of me. He sat back down and took a long slug of his beer, finishing it.

“Babe, did you hear me?” I asked him.

“I heard,” he mumbled. He was shutting down.

“D, we need to talk about this.”

“About what?!” he seemed exasperated.

“About everything. This baby, us, why you felt the need to jump my boss in Leon’s parking lot last night.”

“I don’t wanna talk.”

“Why not?”

“I just don’t. Didn’t we say enough today?”

“You’re satisfied with ending this conversation the way we did?”

“Can’t we just let it go?”

“No, we can’t, Declan. This isn’t just going away. You’re obviously holding something back from me, and I want to know what it is. What could be so bad that you’d just leave me hanging on like you are?”

“I feel like I can’t do anything good enough for you. I’m not fucking doing time here!” he yelled, scooting back from the table and stomping back out to the kitchen. I stayed where I was sitting, but I was way past eating. I heard him open up the fridge and pull out another beer. I rubbed my hand over my face, and was pretty surprised when he came back into the room and started to pick up the table.

“I can do that,” I told him.

“I’ve got it.”

“Thank you.”

“Mmm.”

“Did I do something wrong?” I asked him.

“No.”

“Because, if I did, I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t do anything.”

“Do you not love me anymore? Because if that’s it, and you’re feeling like you don’t want to be with me and the only reason you’re staying is because of the baby, I understand.”

“I would have cut you out if I didn’t love you.”

“Do you blame me for feeling this way?”

“I’m not blaming you for anything. I’m just trying to figure it out, and I can’t do that with all of these questions all the time.”

“I’m trying to figure it out too, Dec. But I’m having a hard time when you won’t even talk to me. You won’t tell me what you’re feeling. You’re obviously mad about something. You obviously are having some kind of reservations.”

“It has nothing to do with you, it’s just something I’m going through with myself.”

“But it does have something to do with me,” I said. He walked off into the kitchen with all of the dishes from our dinner.

“Everytime I try to get a little closer to you, you just shut down and the conversation’s over, just like that. I can’t figure anything out like that.”

“You have people to help you figure things out. I don’t.”

“I’m right here, Declan. You just leave me in the dark all the time. Show me what you’re going through. Let’s figure it out together.”

He didn’t say anything. He just took his beer and sat on the couch. Willa trotted in after him and laid down beside him, and he pat her on the head and rubbed her ears. I went in and sat on the end of the chaise facing him.

“What did my dad say when you told him?” he asked after a few minutes had passed.

“You can probably imagine.” He snorted and took a sip of his beer. About ten more minutes passed by in silence.

“I’m scared, D,” he said. “And you know I’m not scared of anything.” I stayed silent, waiting for more. I didn’t want to say something that discouraged him from talking.

“I don’t want to be like him.”

“Your father?”

“I don’t want to be like that with my kids. That’s why I never wanted to have them. That was always your dream and I always just played along with it because I thought that it would never happen. And now it has, and I’m scared of it.”

“You would never do to your kids what your father did you, Declan.”

“He’s right about me, though. I am like him.”

“No you’re not, D. As soon as this baby is born you’re gonna know. You will know that this is right, and you’re gonna love it so much.”
“You’re the only one who believes that.”

“No I’m not. You have a whole team of people that believe in you, Declan. You are not your father. You will not do what he did to his kids.”

“Why do you believe that? After everything I’ve done to you. It’s my fault, don’t you get it? If I had been here with you, you wouldn’t have been with Petracelli, and this whole thing last night wouldn’t have happened.”

“But it’s done. It’s over. There is no more me and Martin, there never was. It was one night, one time, and now it’s done. I’m with you. My whole heart has always been with you.”

“I just don’t know if I can’t get past it.” I closed my eyes and dropped my head down.

“And it’s not your fault. It’s my fault.”

“It’s over, Declan. Give it up.”

“I’m trying.” Silence filled the room for about ten minutes. Except for the light from the kitchen, the whole house was pitch dark. No sound, no light. Just Declan, Willa, and I, all sitting there.

“I’m trying.”