Long Way

I pull into my driveway with Draven in the backseat singing along to the Shinedown CD that I have playing. We just got home from me working, and him being at daycare all day. On the way home we stopped and picked up some groceries for dinner tonight.

It’s been four years since Declan left. I haven’t heard a word from him, but I never expected to. The people that he was closest to here have never heard from him either. Ever since I’ve been raising Draven by myself. Well, technically by myself. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and in my case that’s very true.

Draven is such a good kid. He loves everyone that he meets, and I’m sure that comes from being around a large group of very diverse people his entire life. I’m so proud that he is so not judging of people, and is so caring.

I got out of my SUV and walked around to open the back door. By the time I got there, Draven had already unbuckled himself from his car seat and was practically jumping out. I lifted him out of the car and set him on the ground, and he took off running towards the house.

“Draven, slow down!” I called to him as I opened the back hatch to get the groceries out of the car. I could hear him yelling, but knew that he hadn’t done what I said.

I looked around the back of the vehicle and saw him still running.

“Draven DeSoto, slow down and stay where I can see you, please!” He skidded to a stop right before he got to the front porch steps and looked back at me.

I grabbed up the grocery bags, shut the car up and headed off to meet up with him.

He was wearing jeans, a Batman hoodie, and little black Converse shoes. His sandy brown hair was styled in a little faux-hawk, which was the only way he liked to wear his hair. Although sometimes I made him just wear it shaved. The way he was looking at me now with that little crooked grin made me think of his father. He looked more and more like Declan everyday. He had the same eyes, the same wide smile, the same hair color, everything. It didn’t help when Uncle Linc taught him some self-defense moves either. I had to pick him up at daycare a couple weeks ago because he had punched another little boy because he was picking on a couple of the little girls there. I couldn’t really punish him for that, but it was just another instance where I saw Declan in him.

We walked up the steps together and I unlocked the front door to let Willa out. We waited while she did her business, then raced back up the stairs to give Draven a sniff down, just to make sure he was exactly as he left her. Then we went into the house.

“Mama,” Draven said to me as I started to take care of the groceries.

“What, baby?”

“What time is it?” I smiled to myself. I knew the only reason he was asking me this question.

“It’s almost six, baby.” He did some calculating in his head slowly, but I could tell he was having a hard time.

“That means we have an hour and a half until the Bruins come on,” I told him. The little boy was completely obsessed with the Bruins, and was convinced that he was going to be on the team one day.

“Mama,” he said.

“Hmm?”

“Will we be done with dinner in time to watch?”

“Only if you go get ready for your bath now. And remember that you’re only staying up until eight tonight!”

“Why?” he whined. I gave him a look that told him to cut that out.

“No back talking. Now go get ready for your bath.” He ran off to his room. I didn’t know what he was going to do in there. Usually when I said get ready for a bath, that meant to go into the bathroom, but I just let it go and went back to making dinner.

I thought back to the way Draven acted out in the front yard and it made me think of Declan again.

Draven has always been aware of the fact that he has a father, and that his father left. He doesn’t know the reasons for any of it because he’s just too young to understand it. I know it bothers him sometimes because he knows that other kids have father’s that are around.

I’ve done my best to substitute for Declan. Mo and Lincoln are very heavily involved in Draven’s life, and if it wasn’t for them I really don’t know what I would have done through most of his life. They helped me out so much. Craig and Kevin have also been a big part in his life, and also my parents.

But he’s always known that he was a little different from the other kids that he knows, and it breaks my heart a little.

I stirred some steamed broccoli into the mac n’ cheese that I made, and tried to shake the thought away.

Willa made a short woofing sound in the living room. I looked out just expecting to see Draven coming out of his room, but saw nothing.

“What’s wrong, girl?” She looked over at me and gave me her big doggie smile like nothing was wrong. I shrugged it off and stirred my chicken.

“I made too much,” I said to myself.

I heard footsteps on the back porch and pretty soon after that a very quiet knock. Willa hadn’t heard the knock, which surprised me.

I turned the food on the stove off and walked over to the door, and opened it. My heart stopping in my chest when I did.

“Oh my God.”

Declan stared in at me.

“Hey, D,” he said, in his usual voice, just above a whisper.

So many different emotions were washing over me. I didn’t know whether to hug him or punch him. I was mostly just in shock.

“What are you doing here?” I managed to get out, my own voice was unusually quiet. He looked down at his boots.

“I don’t really know.”

“I don’t know what to say,” I told him.

“Me neither.”

“I just can’t believe this.”

“I know.” I somehow snapped to it.

“You can’t be here right now.”

“Why?”

“You just can’t. Not like this. You can’t just, come back like this.”

“I know, it’s late.” I sighed heavily.

“It’s not just that! There is so much to this whole thing. I don’t even know where to start with you!”

“Look, baby. I know that I left and that I hurt you.”

“It’s not just you hurting me anymore, Declan! There is another person involved here, who doesn’t even know you! There is a child involved here, and you’ve hurt him in ways that I can’t even explain to you.” He had tears in his eyes when I said this, and I knew that I was crying.

“I never wanted it to be this way,” he said.

“Well, I’m sorry, but that’s the way you left it.”

“You don’t have to apologize to me, Diana.”

“I know I don’t.” That’s when I heard Draven’s voice carry in from the living room.

“Oh my God,” I said. He came running up to me, still not ready for his bath, I noticed. As soon as he saw that someone was here, he backed off and became shy. Hiding behind my legs, hanging on to them around my knees.

Declan stared down at him with a smile on his face. He wiped at his eyes with his shirt sleeve. I swallowed and unconsciously started stroking the top of Dravens hair.

“Do you want to be daddy or papa?” I whispered to Declan. He looked up at me with a shocked expression, and I gave him a pleading look not to make this any harder on me.

“Just pick one,” I said.

“Papa.” I nodded, then bent down and picked up Draven.

“Why aren’t you ready for your bath, huh?” I asked him, turning my back to Declan and stepping into the house further. I heard him follow and shut the door behind him.

“I’m sorry,” Draven said. I kissed his face.

“Don’t be sorry, baby, it’s alright.” I turned us back around to face Declan. I looked up at him and he looked like he was ready to throw up. I didn’t blame him.

“There is someone that I want you to meet, okay?” I said to Draven. He nodded his head against my shoulder.

“Come on,” I said to him. “be a big boy now.” He lifted his head, never taking his eyes off of Declan. Willa was in the room now, rubbing herself all over Declan, wagging her tail while he absently pat her head. She had missed him desperately.

I sniffled a little and tried to think of how I was going to word this.

“Draven, this is your papa,” I said, finally just coming out with it. He looked massively confused, and like he was trying to figure this all out.

“He’s your papa. You know how I told you that he went away when you were still a baby?” He nodded.

“Well, he’s back now, for a little bit. And he wanted to come to see you and say hi. Is that alright?” He shoved his face into my shoulder, trying to hide again. I put my hand on the back of his head. Declan looked heartbroken.

“Baby, come on,” I said to Draven, sitting down in a little chair that was in the kitchen, holding him against me. I could feel that he was crying a little.

“Hey, wipe those tears. Mama’s got you. You’re gonna be okay.” He sniffled a little. Declan ran his hand through his hair and looked at me.

“I don’t know what I should do here,” he said to me. I shook my head at him.

“Do you want to meet your papa?” I asked Draven. I felt him nod his head against me, and I gave Declan a nod.

“Let mama look at you.” He sat up in my lap and looked at me. I wiped his face with my fingers.

“Like a rockstar,” I said to him happily. “Now give me a smile.” He looked down, being shy.

“Let me see you smile,” I said, reaching down and tickling his stomach until he squealed with laughter. I laughed at him, and saw Declan smiling.

I stood up and put Draven on my hip again.

“Draven, this is your papa.” He inspected Declan, almost as if trying to decide if he was OK or not.

“Hey, boss,” Declan said. I bit my lip and looked at Draven.

“Do you want to go to him?” I whispered. He didn’t say anything, but he stretched his little arms out to Declan, and I handed him off to him.

He wrapped his arms around Declan’s neck, clinging to him like he was never going to let go. I started crying again, as Declan hugged him tightly, trying to keep his own tears at bay.

It was as if nothing was ever different between them. As if they had always known each other and had always been together like this. Draven looked like he was trying to hug all of the bad things that Declan had ever done to him away. I sat back down in the chair and put my head between my knees, trying to suck in air. I still couldn’t even believe that Declan was back in town, let alone standing in my kitchen with my son in his arms.

“D,” I heard Declan say. I looked up and saw them still holding each other. He tilted his head back at me for me to come over to them. I got up and walked over, wiping my eyes with my sleeve.

I placed my hand on Draven’s back, and took him from Declan, setting him on the floor.

“What do you think, D?” I asked him. He came over and whispered in my ear.

“I love him.” I closed my eyes and tried my damndest not to start crying again.

“Yeah?” He nodded.

“You’re okay?” He nodded again.

“Come give mama a hug, then go out and sit at the table for dinner.”

“Can Papa stay?” I nodded and he hugged me.

“I love you.”

“I love you, Mama.” I gave him a little pat on the butt and he took off for the dining room.

When we were alone, I looked up at Declan with my hands in the back pockets of my jeans.

“You did good,” I told him.

“I was fucking dying.”

“I know. You did good.”

“Thank you. For all of this. I know you didn’t want to do this.”

“I had no choice.” I stretched my neck out.

“You can stay for dinner and help me get him ready for bed, but after that you have to leave. I can’t let you stay here tonight. If things were different and it was just me, I would let you stay, but not with him,” I said. “Not yet.”

“That’s fine. Thank you.” I nodded and motioned for him to get plates out for dinner.

All while we ate and even after, Draven was completely obsessed Declan. He never stopped touching him or looking at him or asking him things. After dinner, he sat in his lap on the couch and watched hockey while I cleaned up.

When I was done, I came into the living room and saw that he had fallen asleep on Declan’s lap. I came over and picked him up.

“Sorry,” I said to him.

“Don’t be. I love it.”

“Come on,” I said, motioning him into Draven’s room. He followed me in and helped me get him dressed and down in his toddler bed. Draven was so tired he didn’t even need a story read to him, he was already asleep when Declan put his blanket on him. Willa used to sleep in his room with him, but I broke that habit before Draven got too old. I knew that Willa wasn’t always going to be here, and I didn’t want him to get too used to her sleeping there.

We walked out of the room, quietly shutting the door.

“I need some air,” I said to him. He nodded and we went out on the back porch with Willa.

When we got there he lit up a cigarette. I pushed myself up on the railing and breathed in the second hand smoke. We sat there in silence for about five minutes.

“There are so many things that I’ve thought of over the years, that I was going to say to you if I ever saw you again. And now that you’re here I can’t think of a single thing,” I said to him.

“It’s been a long time.”

“Mmm.”

“I’m sorry that it’s been so long.”

“I want to talk to you. I want to know so many things, but I’m too tired tonight.”

“Tomorrow then.”

“Not here. Not with him. Somewhere in public.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want to be alone with you.” He took a long drag from the cigarette and looked out at the driveway. I followed his gaze and saw that he was driving a huge white, Toyota Tundra that was supped up on big tires, and had big black steel bumpers.

“Tomorrow night, seven thirty, at Diamond’s,” he said. I nodded.

“That sounds fine.” He put out his cigarette and came over to me. I knew that he wanted to kiss me or something, but didn’t know if he should or not. He finally decided not to, and walked out to his truck.

I called Willa into the house, and shut off the porch light.

******************************************************************************************

The next night I walked into Diamond’s Grill alone. It was a nicer place than Leo’s, and the dress was fancier. So I was dressed in a short, tight, white halter dress, with black stilettos. My black hair was big and curly. It was the most dressed up I’d been in at least four years.

A hostess walked up to me and I told her that I was meeting Declan. She told me that he was already there, and I looked around to see if I could find him. When I spotted him, he was sitting in the back of the bar in a booth, his eyes already on me. And he kept them on me the entire time that the hostess led me over to the booth.

He stood when I got there, but didn’t make a move to hug me or kiss me or shake my hand. My heart was beating a million beats per second.

“What can I get you to drink, ma’am?”

“I’ll have a double Jameson on the rocks, please.”

“I’ll bring that right out to you.” I smiled at her, then looked at Declan.

“You look good,” he said.

“Thank you. You look good too.” He was wearing jeans, and a black button down shirt that had some gray pinstripes on it. I noticed that he had a water sitting in front of him.

“You’re not drinking tonight?”

“No. I haven’t drank in three and a half years.”

“Why not?”

“My job doesn’t allow it.”

“What’s your job?”

“Oil rigging.”

“Oh wow.”

“Yeah.” A waitress brought my drink.

“Where?” I asked.

“In the Gulf.” I raised my eyebrows.

“In the Gulf?”

“There was a lot of work down there after the oil spill. I got in touch with a guy and got set up on a rig, working a week on and a week off, twelve hour shifts. Staying right on the rig the whole time.”

“Where do you stay when you’re on shore?” He shrugged.

“Close by. I pick up a lot of extra shifts. Most of the guys have families and stuff that they go home to, ya know?” I nodded and took a tiny sip of my drink.

“I can see you’ve got something on your mind,” he said.

“I have so much on my mind, Declan, you have no idea.”

“Wanna lighten your load a little?” I sighed and took another drink.

“Things don’t just change because you came back here. There are still four years that you can’t just get back.”

“I want to make up things with you and Draven. That’s why I came back here.”

“Have you even seen Mo or Lincoln yet?”

“I’ve seen both of them.”

“What did they have to say?”

“You know Mo, and can probably guess what he had to say.”

“He was just thrilled that you’re safe and alive. He was so afraid that he was going to die having never seen your face again.”

“He said something like that last night.”

“And Linc?”

“He wasn’t so receptive. Wanted to know why I ran out on my kid.”

“Why did you?”

“I never ran out on him, or you.”

“Yes you did.”

“But that’s not why I left. I left because I knew something had to change, and it wasn’t going to change here. I had all of these people in my ear all the time. People like your brother. And I was trying to be a good man for you and for Draven, and it was just in my ear all the time. I was trying, I really was. But then everything just came to a head, and I knew I had to get out of there. And I knew what you said, that if I left, I was gone. I had to stay gone. And in my heart I knew that if I was ever going to come back I needed to make some serious changes, otherwise I would come back and things would be exactly the same.”

“But in the meantime, four years have gone by. And Draven has been growing up without you.”

“That kills me. There has not been a day that has gone by that I haven’t thought about him. And how this has been for him, and for you. That little boy is my entire world, D.”

“He’s mine too.”

“I’ve made changes, a lot of them. And I’m ready to be there for you and for our son.” I finished my drink, feeling it quite a bit.

“All I know is I’m never going to let you hurt that boy again. He has already fallen in love with you, and I do not want to have to explain to him why papa left him again.”

“I’m not going to leave him ever again.”

The waitress brought over another drink and I finished it in about two gulps.

“Wow,” I said when I finished. “I think I’m drunk.”

“Let me take you home.”

“What about my car?”

“I’ll come back and get it.” I nodded, confused, but going with it. I wanted to go home. My parents had taken Draven for the night, and I just wanted to sleep.

“Where are you working?” he asked on the drive back to my place.

“For Martin. I went back and begged for my job back and he gave it to me.”

“That was good of him.”

“It was never his fault, you know.”

“I know.”

“So, have you had any girlfriends?”

“No.”

“You haven’t been with any other girls since you left?”

“Not like you’re thinking.”

“You’re not dating anyone now?”

“No. How about you?”

“I’ve been on a few dates, but I’m too busy to make anything work long term.”

He pulled into my driveway and we went inside together.

“Thanks for the ride. If you come over in the morning, you can take Draven for the day while I’m at work.”

“I would like that.”

“He would too.” He looked around the house and sighed.

“I’ve missed you so much, Diana.” I looked him in the eye and licked my lips. Things were so complicated in a huge sense, but in another it was like nothing had changed. I still felt like there was so much I didn’t know about him.

He came over to me and took my hands, and leaned in and kissed my forehead just like he always used to do.

“I missed you too,” I said to him. He leaned down further and kissed my lips. I put my hands on his face, pulling him to me. His hands were at my sides, and he leaned into the kiss more. My hips brushed against his and I could feel him against my thigh in the short dress. I pulled away from him and took his hand, my eyes never leaving his, and led him into the bedroom.

The next morning I woke up enveloped in his arms. I rolled onto my back and found him awake. He kissed me and I wrapped my arms around his neck loosely.

“You should get going. I don’t want Draven to see you here like this.” He sighed and got up and retrieved his clothes from the floor.

I sat up in bed and watched him get dressed. When he was done, he reached into his jeans pocket and took something out that I couldn’t see, then he crawled onto the bed and sat on his knees in front of me.

“I love you,” he said.

“I love you too. There’s just so much that needs to be worked out.”

“I know. But I’m going to stick to it this time. I’m going to be the man I need to be for you and our son.” I touched his face and he smiled.

“Marry me,” he said. I frowned at him.

“What?” I looked down at what was in his hand and saw that he was holding an engagement ring. It was beautiful. A square cut diamond with a halo of peridot, Draven’s birthstone, around it, and another halo of small diamonds around that on a white gold band.

“Oh my God. Where did you get this?”

“I had it made for you.”

“What?”

“I want you to come back with me.”

“Back where?”

“Natchez. I have a big place down there, and I want you and Draven to come with me and live there. Start over fresh, just the three of us.

“Natchez? Where even is that?”

“Mississippi. It’s a really nice place. Draven would love it there.”

“You’re asking me to move into some place with you, when I haven’t even seen you in four years? Draven has only met you once!”

“I know it’s a big step. But it’s what we have to do. We can start over, D. We can have the life that you always dreamed of for us. If you’re willing to work at it, I am too. I want this so bad for us.” I wiped away a tear with the back of my hand.

“I don’t know, Declan.”

“Please, just say you will.”

“What about my family?”

“We can come back whenever you want.”

“I don’t know.”

“You know you want to.”

“I do want to. I just don’t know if I should.”

“Do what your heart is telling you.” I looked at him, then looked at the ring.

“OK. Let’s do it.”