Long Way

But I am doing it again...

I lit a candle and set it on the center of my dining room table, and took a sip of the Jameson I had poured in my glass. There was a second glass sitting on the table with the bottle of whiskey next to it. There were two plates, two sets of silverware, and two steaks marinading in my refrigerator. And I was alone in the house.

Waiting for Declan, of course. Through the course of the day I tried to convince myself that I set this dinner for two into motion just because I felt bad. It was our anniversary after all. He had bought me this beautiful necklace, and I had nothing for him. So I decided to surprise him and make dinner. I knew what it looked like, to myself let alone other people, so I hadn't told anyone. After lastnight I was embarrassed, and I wanted to get things straightened out between the two of us. That was all.

Or so I kept telling myself. I took another sip of Jameson and refilled my glass so it would appear fuller, and I would appear less guilty for drinking all of it.

I looked up at the clock in my hallway. 7:30. Declan was going to go and pick up Mo after work and bring him back to Boston to a safe house where Belsi's guys couldn't find him. I figured that he should be home by eight though.

I walked into my bedroom and looked at myself in my full-length mirror. I wore a heather grey sweater with a low v-neck, a matching grey camisole bra-top under it, and jeans that hugged my every curve. My black hair was down, and wavy. My make-up was perfect. My bed was made with clean sheets. I sighed. This is so stupid.

My head is telling me that this is stupid, but my heart wants no part of that. I can hear the words of my family and friends, and even myself, but nothing that any of us say is going to change my mind at this point.

I practically ran out of the bedroom. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore.

My cell phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and saw that it was my mother on her cell.

"Hello?" I said quietly.

"Hey, what are you doing?"

"Um, getting ready to make dinner."

"Ooh, what are you making?"

"Steak and some veggies."

"That sounds nice. Is Shawn coming over for dinner?"

"No."

"Oh. So you're just making that nice dinner for yourself?"

"Um... No, not exactly."

"How do you not exactly make dinner for just yourself?"

"By having someone else eat it with you."

"I see. Does this someone else have a name?"

"Declan."

"I see." Silence.

"You don't have to say anything," I said.

"Are you two together again?"

"No."

"Do you want to be?"

"I don't know anymore. It's just dinner, ya know? It's our anniversary today and he went out and bought me this really nice gold necklace, and I felt bad because I didn't get him anything so I decided that I would make a nice dinner." She doesn't say anything, but it sounds like she's driving somewhere.

"Where are you?" I asked her.

"Driving to the mall."

"Oh."

"So he went out and bought you a really nice necklace?"

"Yeah."

"For your anniversary?"

"Yeah."

"But you're not together?" My turn for silence.

"Diana?"

"I know, it sounds weird."

"It certainly doesn't sound like two people who aren't together. Does he want to be with you?"

"I don't know. I guess so."

"So you've made the man who bought you a very nice gift, a very nice dinner on your anniversary, and you know that he wants to be with you, but you don't know what you want."

"I know what I want, I just don't know if it's with Declan."

"Did you hear what I just said?"

"Yes."

"So you know that no matter what you want, you're setting something into motion. Just telling me what you have, there are going to be expectations. Are you prepared for that?"

"This is weird."

"Diana, get over yourself. You and I both know what I'm talking about here."

"That doesn't mean I want to talk about it."

"Fine. I just want you to be careful. Declan hasn't been back for very long, and every time that he comes back it's for a shorter and shorter amount of time. He wants to be with you, but for what? Has he changed? Is he going to stick around, or is he going to leave and break your heart, yet again?"

"I don't know, mom. That's something I have to find out. I've made my wants very clear to Declan."

"Have you?"

"Yes."

"Well good."

"Yeah."

"When is he going to be home?"

"I don't know. He was going to pick Mo up in Lawrence and bring him back to Boston tonight after work."

"I see. Well, I was going to ask you if you wanted to go shopping with me, but you have plans so I'll let you get back to them. I won't bother you for the rest of the night."

"Thank you."

"But I will expect a call tomorrow."

"Of course. Have fun shopping."

"I will. Love you. Tell Declan I said hello."

"OK. Love you too." I hung up the phone quickly and was getting ready to shut it off when my back door opened.

I stepped out of the bedroom and went into the living room/dining room area without looking into the kitchen for Declan. I could hear him washing his hands in the kitchen sink.

I picked up my glass of whiskey from the dining room table and took a sip of it. I turned around when I heard Declan entering the room. He stood in the archway for a second and observed the candles and table, then he looked at me.

"Hey," I said to him.

"Hey."

"Want a drink?" I asked him.

"Yeah." I set my glass down and went to work pouring Jameson into his glass. He came into the room and I handed him the glass.

"What is all this?" he asked.

"I'm making dinner. I felt bad about not getting you a gift, so this is what I came up with quick."

He raised his glass up almost to his lips then stopped and looked down at me with a quarter of a smile.

"Are you trying to seduce me, Diana LeBeau?"

"Is it working?" I asked him as he swallowed the amber liquid in one gulp. My tough side coming out, answer one question with another. He smirked and moved past me to the table, pouring himself another drink.

I never moved the whole time, so I was standing right next to him, my breasts lightly pressed up against his bicep. He glanced down at me after twisting the cap back on the bottle.

"What are you doing, D?" he asked. "Lastnight you wanted nothing to do with me."

"That's definitely not the truth."

"So what stopped you? And what changed today?"

"I don't know. It was the smart thing to reject you lastnight." He did an exasperated laugh and shook his head.

"Why are you making this hard?" he asked.

"It is hard."

"It's not really."

"Well you're not the one whose had her heart broken too many times to count. You're like a goddamn tornado, just passing through to wreak havoc on my life, and for whatever reason, I keep inviting you back in for more."

"I'm trying to get my life back together, Diana. I made some mistakes before Lincoln went away because I was broke and desperate. It just as easily could have been me that was locked up."

"You don't think I know that? But you might as well have been locked up all this time."

"I'm trying to move forward now, just like Linc. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I never did."

"Yeah but you still did, Declan. I know things that you've done, even things that you've never told me. I look past it though, every time that you come back."

"I want you, I think I've made that clear. I want to be with you again. I want things to be the way they were before I..." he looked down at the carpet, and took his Bruins cap off and tossed it onto the table. He ran his hands through his hair, leaving it muffled.

"I didn't do this to fight with you tonight," I said to him.

"What did you do this for?"

"I don't know," I said, shaking my head. I walked past him towards the kitchen to make the steaks, but he grabbed me around my elbow and stopped me. He kissed my lips hard, holding me around both of my elbow's. I reached up and put my hands on his face, feeling every emotion that had been building up in me all day, release into him. Then my head came back into play and started screaming at me again, and I pushed away from him.

"No, I can't do this. This is wrong," I said, fleeing into the kitchen.

I turned the broiler on the oven, and went to open the fridge to get the steaks out, but Declan intercepted me, holding the refrigerator door closed. I sank back against the counter with my ass against it, kind of wedged in the little corner between the counter and the fridge. He turned the broiler off, and stood about a foot and a half away from me, facing the counter with his hands placed firmly against it.

We were silent for a moment. I felt like I had the biggest lump in my throat. I didn't know whether to laugh or start crying. My mom was right about tonight.

"This isn't wrong, D. It's not wrong," Declan said to me.

"It's not?" He didn't look at me, just down at his hands on the counter.

"If it's not wrong then what are you waiting for?" He turned his head slowly to look at me; his eyes were dangerous.

"What are you waiting for, Dec? My bedroom door is wide open." I felt bi-polar. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Why was it so easy for me to make him come on to me now, but just a few minutes ago I was pushing him away again.

He closed the space between us and grabbed my face in his hands, pushing me back against the side of the fridge and kissing me with even more passion than before in the dining room. I grasped at his clothes, not wanting to let go this time. No matter what, I wasn't letting him go this time. This was it.

Declan knew this was it too, and he was taking advantage, using his strength to dominate me. My blood was racing southward, and I could feel a fire starting between my legs. We separated for a second for air, and he started roughly sucking and kissing my neck. I looked down and saw the front of his jeans tenting out, and I could feel him pressing into my thigh.

He pulled me away from the fridge and lifted me up under my ass. I wrapped my legs around his waist and he carried me to my bedroom, still kissing me. He slammed the door shut once we were inside, and set me back on my feet as we started tearing at each others clothing.

I unbuttoned his mechanic's shirt clumsily and we both tore it from his shoulders, then I reached for the hem of his black undershirt and pulled it over his head. My hands roamed all across his muscular chest as he unbuttoned my jeans and pulled them down. I kicked out of them and he pulled my sweater off of me, tossing it down on the floor with the rest of our clothes, and leaving me in just my thong and camisole.

He used a firm touch as he ran his hands all over my body. He grabbed me around my hips and picked me up again, laying me down on my bed. My head sunk into the pillows as he came down on top of me. We worked at the same time to get his jeans off of him, and he tossed them to the floor when they were off.

Our chests were pressed against each other. I could feel his hips against mine as he brought his hands up the sides of my thighs. I moaned at the feeling of his hands, and he brought them up my flat stomach, lifting up my camisole over my right breast. He squeezed it with his hand and flicked his tongue over the nipple, causing me to moan again. He ripped the camisole off over my head and squeezed the other breast while still sucking on the other.

I reached down to pull his boxer's down, but he grabbed my hands and pinned them down next to my head.

"Declan," I moaned.

"Shhh." I moaned again and dug my fingers into the backs of his shoulder's. He grinned against my chest and let go of one of my wrists just to remove my panties, then he held me down again. He used his knee to separate my legs, then leaned down and touched his tongue to me.

"Oh my god," I said, nearly breathless. He rimmed me and I nearly screamed with pleasure.

"I need you. Fuck, I'm so close," I told him.

"Calm down. We're almost there." I bucked up against him and he kissed me hard as if to hold me down more.

"Declan, I can't wait anymore. I need you so bad."

"I know." He got into position and entered me, releasing my hands finally. We both moaned at the sudden feeling of it, and then he started thrusting. He held his upper body up off of me, but the crucifix on his necklace was laying between my breasts.

He reached down and pressed one finger against my most sensitive spot as he thrusted, and I came immediately. I grabbed his shoulders and hung on for dear life and he continued to ride me, our hips crashing together. He came then, groaning with pleasure that brought a sinister smile to my face. He rode out his orgasm, slowing down, then he pulled out of me and laid on his back beside me, not wasting any time getting off of me.

Declan told me after the very first time that we'd had sex that he was afraid of staying on top of me for very long because he was afraid that he would crush me because of our difference in size. At the time I was very young and he was the first guy I'd ever been with, so his words scared me a little. Afterwards I somehow convinced him that I was fine.

I laid on my back with my neck supported on his forearm and my head on the pillow. There was about six inches between our bodies as we both laid there panting. My chest heaved up and down heavily as I caught my breath.

After we had both returned to normal, I rolled over facing away from him. As soon as I did though, he pulled his arm towards his body, bringing me with it. I was forced to roll back facing him, my head on his upper arm. I laid my hand against his chest and lightly scratched the small patch of hair there.

"D," I said to him quietly.

"Hmm?"

"Have I ever told you that I love you?" I didn't look up at him, but I could almost see him smiling at our inside joke.

"No."

"I do."

"Still? Even after everything?"

"Always." He's quiet, massaging my shoulder with the palm of his hand, digging his fingers into the upper part of my chest.

"I wish I could promise you that everything could stay just like this, and that I could give you everything you want from me," he said. "I'm gonna try, but I can't promise you that yet."

"Don't tell me anything unless it's the truth."

"I missed you."

"I know." He squeezed my shoulder tightly.

"I love you too."

"I know."

***

The next morning when I woke up he was still sleeping. The numbers on my digital alarm clock told me that it was almost 10 a.m. on a Saturday. I carefully got out of bed and rummaged around in mine and Declan's clothing, until I found his mechanic's shirt. I buttoned the shirt up and walked out of the bedroom and across the hall to the bathroom with nothing else on.

I peed and brushed my teeth and fixed my make-up. My cell phone started ringing as I was cleaning off my make-up brushes.

"What the hell?" I said to myself. I thought I had shut that off lastnight. I walked quickly back into my room and grabbed the phone up off of my dresser. The caller ID said Jeremy.

"Hello?" Craig's voice came blasting into my ear.

"So Jeremy says that straight men don't use the word brunch, so here's the fag calling to invite you to brunch with us." I can hear Jeremy saying something in the background.

"Who am I going to offend? I'm the gay one here!" Craig says a little louder than necessary.

"Where are you guys?"

"Ihop."

"In Brighton?"

"Yes, are you coming?"

"Yes, give me twenty minutes to get ready."

"Okay, bye." I hang up the phone and shake my head.

"What are you doing?" I heard Declan's voice ask me sleepily. I smiled at him, then went over and crawled on top of him.

"Good morning," I said, kissing his chest and neck.

"Mmm, right back at you. Who was on the phone?"

"Craig. I'm gonna go meet him and Jeremy for breakfast. Wanna come?"

"That's okay. I'm gonna check on Mo today. He's all paranoid that Belsi's guys had me followed or some shit."

"Is he still drinking?"

"A little, but it's not so bad." I leaned down and kissed his full lips, and he reached up and tangled his fingers in my hair.

He grabbed me and rolled me onto my back then, half laying on top of me.

"I don't think you should leave," he said. "You're not wearing any underwear. What would your mother say?"

"If she knew I left the house without underwear?"

"Yeah."

"She might start going to church."

"You're turning me on. I keep imagining you as a good Catholic girl."

"You're sick." I sit up and get out of bed.

I put a bra on under Declan's shirt, and put my thong and jeans on with it, then I go out to the hallway to put earrings on in the mirror that hangs on the wall. Declan comes out a minute later, wearing nothing but his jeans slung very low over his hips. If I didn't have other plans there would be no way in hell he'd be leaving this house today to go anywhere.

"I have to go," I say almost more to myself than to him.

He gives me a goodbye kiss and I turn and run out the door to my car.

I arrive in Brighton about fifteen minutes later and park next to Jeremy's car at Ihop. I run inside and look around before I spot them sitting in a booth. Craig is facing me as I walk up the aisle toward them, and I can see him assessing me and the fact that I'm wearing Declan's shirt.

"Hooker," he said in a high-pitched voice as I slid into the booth across from him, next to Jeremy.

"Shut up."

"You so got rocked lastnight," Jeremy said.

"Could you be any more vulgar?"

"I've been hanging out with this guy too much," he said, gesturing towards Craig.

"Oh please, you were always vulgar," Craig says, waving him off.

"It's true," I said.

"So did you really fuck Declan or are you just a slut and wore his shirt after banging some other guy?" Craig asks, never afraid to get right down to the point.

"I've never been a slut!"

"That's true. We were afraid that you were going to be a forever virgin in high school."

"Would that have been such a bad thing?"

"I guess not. Set you aside from all of the whores that Jeremy went out with."

"They were not whores!" Jeremy argued.

"Not all of them," I said. Craig laughed.

"So back to you fucking Declan," Jeremy said, trying to get back on topic.

"Who didn't see that one coming?" Craig said.

"Yeah well, there's a log of history there," I said, taking a sip of my juice.

"Amen to that."

"I don't want to look too much into it. I just want to be happy. Besides, I'm going to get everything I've ever wanted this time."

"How do you figure on that?"

"I just have a feeling."