Unexpected Turns

I thought the world would stop and mourn with me. I believed the team would stop playing and I wouldn’t have to travel. I thought people would stop and tell me it was going to be okay. I believed everyone would stay and comfort me every second of the day. The world didn’t stop. The team still played and no one stopped to ask how I was. Henry went home to work, Jared, Eric and Tanya went back to Carolina for hockey, but Linda stayed. She refused to leave my side. I guess that is acceptable when I showed signs of depression. But wasn’t depression acceptable when you lose a child?

Doesn’t believing everyone will walk on eggshells around you when something like this happens? Doesn’t believing that my daughter was going to walk right back through that door and life would go on acceptable? Isn’t it normal to feel like life can’t go on anymore? Apparently it’s not acceptable. Apparently I have to go back to normal right away. Apparently the grieving time for losing a child is a very short window.

Natalie passed away on Christmas Eve night. I held her in my arms, with Marc by my side. Nico didn’t understand and cried uncontrollably when Natalie wouldn’t wake up. A nurse had to carry him out of the room because I was frozen to my chair in the corner of the room. Two hours after they took my daughter away, I was still sitting, staring at her bed. Marc dragged me out of the hospital and home. I refused to talk to anyone and no one tried to talk to me.

Christmas was a sad day. We tried to make it enjoyable, but Natalie’s death was looming over all of the festivities. It took all of the energy I had to muster up a smile and act like a mom to Nico. Marc took the news better than me and took the upper hand. He took care of Nico and his family.

On the 27th, we held a small funeral. A lot of the guys on Jordan’s team and the few guys that personally knew Natalie from Marc’s team came. The service was short and I only said a few words the entire time. Nico was glued to my side and Marc refused to walk more than 10 steps away. The guys said their condolences and the WAG’s finally put their wall down and gave me a hug like they were never rude and cold.

The day after she was buried, everyone went home. I took a leave of absence from the team and told Dan not to expect me back this season. Marc didn’t know what to do. He wanted to stay with me and Nico, but he had to get back to hockey. His concussion was finally healed and he was cleared to play. I wanted him to play and his team needed him. So on the 29th, he flew back to New York and Linda sent Nico with him.

“Goodbye mommy. I’ll be back in a few days. Don’t do anything stupid and listen to grandma. I love you.” Nico told me before he left the apartment. Marc gave me a soft kiss on the lips and caught me off guard.

“You are coming to New York when you are ready.” He whispered. I was still in shock from the kiss, but managed a small nod before he walked towards the taxi. Nico was inside with his face pressed against the window. He knew what was going on and was trying to be strong, even though I could hear him crying when he thought I was sleeping. How he was that smart at two year old, I will never know.

Marc was two steps away from the taxi when I called out his name and jogged towards him. Before he could ask what was wrong, I pulled him into another hug and buried my face in his chest. This action took him off guard, but he pulled me closer.

“Promise everything will be okay.” I whispered.

“Promise you won’t run away.” He whispered back. I nodded and took a step back. With those two statements, we parted ways and I stood next to Linda as we watched the taxi pull away and drive towards the airport.

~~~~~Marc~~~~~

It pained me to see Macy in so much pain. I had to make sure she was okay before I left. Countless calls were made to me by my teammates and coaches telling me it would help to get back to hockey. IT would get my mind off of things. So when I came back for the Winter Classic, I was hoping for a distraction. A distraction from the pain, grief, and sorrow. Nico followed me everywhere and only talked when guys asked him questions. During practice he would laugh when the guys hit the boards near him with pucks, then look to his side and immediately stop. He was looking for Natalie, but she wasn’t there.

I think that is what pained me the most. He was constantly looking to his sides, or talking to no one. Every time he did it, I knew he was looking for her. I tried to get him to talk about it, but everytime I sadi her name he curled back into his shell and block me away. I tried to get him to hang out with the other kids, but he just didn’t want to. HE lost his best friend.

Learning to take care of a child was one thing, but trying to keep tabs on his mother, play hockey, and constantly defend questions about Natalie was taking its toll. By the end of January, I was beat. After practice I would go home and curl up on the couch with Nico. Going out with guys was a thing of the past and I tried to get back into my normal routine, but it was impossible. Macy called me everyday to talk to Nico and even Skyped him when she was in a good mood. My mom said she was getting better, but she blocked everyone out still. The last time I talked to her, she burst into tears and said she missed Nico and me. She said she wanted to come to New York, but she didn’t want to leave Natalie behind. It killed me to hear her like that and not be able to do anything.

I knew that without a doubt I had feelings for her. It might not be love, but I had feelings. At a time I had loved her with everything I had. She was everything to me, but that all ended the day she walked out. The hockey life was too much for her, but now I know it was because of the twins. They were a lot to handle and I was a young professional athlete that didn’t want to be held down by kids. Despite that, I know I would have wanted to be there.

I would want to be there to hear their heartbeats for the first time, hold Macy’s hand in the delivery room, and hold them when they cried in the middle of the night. Her decision was what seemed right at the time and I respect that, but I can’t help but be mad that I was left out of half of my son’s life.

When I look at what I have missed in my son’s life, I have to look at what I won’t miss. I’ll be the one to drop him off on the first day of school. I will teach him how to play hockey. I’ll be the one to teach him how to drive and watch graduate. I may never be able to walk Natalie down the isle, but I will be able to welcome a daughter-in-law into the family. Every thing I will be part of out weighs the stuff I missed.