This Could Be All I've Waited For

Six months.

Six fucking months since Jack left.

He felt like a walking sham. He missed Alex but he knew not to act on it. He already made a big crack on their friendship because he let Alex swayed him to do it. He knew he shouldn’t have, especially being the level headed one between the two of them.

But it was hard when his resolve was slowly crumbling down with the way Alex was looking at him, his eyes that could look through your soul. Alex might not know it but he was a great tease, resistance was useless. Jack didn’t know what to do with himself but to just act on it, if not, he thought he might just blow.

But now living far away with no Alex to make his dull day brighter was a pain. His heart was aching that sometimes he physically clutch his chest just to stop that fierce throbbing that suffocates his being. He never thought that he would feel this way just being apart from his best friend. Hell, he didn’t even thought that Alex would have this great impact on him.

Sure, Alex was important because they were like brothers, bonded through thick and thin but would you really feel this kind of loss, this emptiness, the agony of longing for someone that you think you just don’t deserve to be with if you treat them like family? That’d be like incest and that alone was ridiculous.

He left because he was a coward. He couldn’t face Alex, couldn’t fathom that they might just break when they see each other and talk about what the hell just happened. He knew that they had sex, but something far greater happened that night that he couldn’t even let himself think. Let alone say out loud.

His days and nights passed by like reels of frames in a movie, fast, restless, but he felt passive, unchanging, most especially his feelings. Each day digs a deeper hole and one day at the mark of his seventh month in his rowdy apartment, when he felt like he could pierce his heart with the rusty knife in the kitchen, when his mind wasn’t hazy by the poison he used to dull the ache in his chest, he remembered.

Words that were slurred because of intoxication but were uttered with honesty, only declared in a state of unmindful rambles when conscious mind was shut off and the truth came bare. Words that made him want to come home.

‘Don’t drag your old man on this Alex. Do you have any idea what he’d say if he hears you now?’

‘He’d be proud.. b-because I was doing wh-what my heart was telling me t-to.’




He decided to go home after his shift was finished, wasn’t really in the mood to go out with his friends and he was dead tired. There was a certain someone he’d rather want to see but would he ever come back? Did Alex really have gone too far to drive him to oblivion?

Alex obviously did know the answer. He just couldn’t believe that Jack would leave him especially after what happened, they needed to talk albeit how uncomfortable it would have been. He didn’t want to lose Jack, he couldn’t.

It was as though what happened between them, what he forced Jack to do was what made his feelings stronger, made it unyielding, it made his feelings pure even if he was struck by the realization of it head on. He loves Jack.

He had spent the first few months looking for Jack. Trying to figure out where he could have gone. Dialing his number over and over again when he knew it would just fall on his voicemail. That was what made him through, helped him get by, the chirpy voice of Jack that said common words that held no meaning.

He was restless, almost not caring about his day job not until he got a memo that he had to come or else he’d be let go. After three months of shutting off everything that didn’t concern Jack he made his way to work like a robot that was programmed to do his job and nothing else.

He was a walking, emotionless zombie. He thought that he died because Jack took his heart with him when he went away and that seemed justified.

Alex arrived at his house and made a beeline to his room, he was planning to just pigged on junk foods and watch crappy romantic films that made him cry because he couldn’t just have that happy ending with Jack. He made his way down and visually trembled when he saw the familiar mop of black hair that was seated on the couch.

He’s back?

He almost choked on air when said person turned and looked at him, smiling. It was so sudden but he welcomed it with open arms. He dashed towards the man he had accepted he loved and had lost but that was the past, Jack’s here. He’s finally home.

Their movements were rushed, they held each other tightly and he reveled in Jack’s warmth that he had missed. They pulled away slightly and neither knew who had lean in first but a few moments passed and they were kissing, harsh, fast, teeth and tongues clash in the duel for dominance. It showed how much they missed each other and just how strong the impact of seeing each other and be in each other’s arms again was.

Clothes were thrown haphazardly while sweat slicked bodies crashed together, hissing and grunts filled the room as they quench the thirst for each other. Devouring like there’s no tomorrow. As each reached their high, sweet moans of names were whispered in the dreamy air that engulfed them.

After sometime, after breaths were recovered into its normal pace, the younger man spoke the first coherent words between them.

“Alex I… I’m sorry. For everything. After what we had done Alex, I just… I just can’t stay indifferent.” He looked at him almost desperately.

“So… what are you saying?” Alex looked up at Jack shyly, cheeks tinting pink as he saw Jack staring at him intently.

Not sure of what he wanted he just muttered silently, “Maybe we can… w-we can try?”
Alex couldn’t help the smile that made its way on his lips as he heard Jack’s words, it might be hesitant but he was willing to give them a try, something he’d been secretly craving for, for so long.

“Maybe we can…” he whispered back as he slowly captured his lips in a gentle, passionate kiss.

A shrill ringing of the phone made him jolt up and almost fell from the couch he was in but he ignored it as the cold hard truth ripped at him shamelessly.

It was all a dream.

Alex cried himself to sleep that night.