She She

It was finally March, meaning that people were beginning to receive emails and letters from different colleges with their final decisions. Jen heard back from some university out on the East Coast, and without thinking twice, accepted their invitation. I knew she would be so happy out there, and in a way, I was kind of jealous. I wanted so badly to know what my plans would be for college, even if it meant going back to the East Coast – maybe I even wanted to go back to New York. I had no idea.

Though I had already heard back from a couple of places (some rejections, some not), there were two schools I had in mind: UCLA, and NYU. They were both schools that I had pros and cons about a mile long for, but my guidance counselor assured me that I had a good of a chance of anyone of getting in. Nothing was certain, but I had the grades. And they were, by far, my top two choices.

And so every afternoon for a week straight I checked my mailbox religiously, dreading any letters that arrived. In a way, I didn’t want to get into either of them. That way, I could go to the University of Vermont as my backup plan without any question. If I got into one and not the other, that would be okay, too. But both? Fuck. I didn’t want to make those types of decisions.

I had been hearing rumors from different seniors that day that a number of schools had their letters received, though I didn’t hear anything in particular about my two schools. But, like always, I parked my car in my driveway after school and wandered slowly to my mailbox. With a confident mindset that, as per usual, nothing inside would be for me, I began to sort threw the mail.

Bill for my dad, junk mail, junk mail, bill for my mom, bill for my dad, junk mail, junk mail…

And then I froze, because at the bottom of the pile were two slim white letter. One had a return address to New York City, another to Los Angeles. My hands were clearly trembling as I shoved the rest of the mail back in the box – I would deal with that later – and quickly, and without watching where I was going, ran across the street to Zack’s condo. I didn’t bother taking out my key from my pocket, I just banged frantically on the door until Zack opened it. I immediately pushed past Zack without saying a word to him and ran right into the kitchen, tossing the envelopes on the counter. “Whoa, slow down, Riley,” Zack called, shutting the door and meandering back into the kitchen.

“I don’t want to open them,” I muttered, standing against the counter as far away from the letters as possible. Zack carefully picked one up, and his expression changed when he realized just what they were.

“Holy shit!” He exclaimed, inspecting the other one. “This is so exciting Riley! C’mon, open them up!” I shook my head, and Zack sighed. “I understand that you’re nervous,” he said, putting the envelope back down and walking towards me. “But you’re already accepted at Vermont, and I bet you’ll be accepted into one of these places, too. Probably both!” I wish he could understand that that was what I was so afraid of – have to make such a big decision like that. I just wanted the universities to make it for me.

I slowly side stepped around Zack and reached back towards one of the letters. The one I grabbed was from NYU. My guidance counselor said, grade wise, I had a better chance of getting in there, but I didn’t live in New York anymore, so she didn’t know for sure. Zack stood right behind me, watching over my shoulder as I pulled out the letter. I didn’t read it fully, my eyes would only allow myself to read over parts of it. But I knew what the answer was.

“Congratulations Riley!” Exclaimed Zack, and I breathed a strange sigh of relief that was partially mixed with a chuckle. I reached towards the other letter, but Zack stopped me. “Before you open it, we need to celebrate,” he explained, going into his liquor cabinet and grabbing a bottle of unopened red wine. “Just a bit for you,” explained Zack as he poured less than a sip for me, while giving himself a hearty dose.

“Excuse me?” I answered, holding up my less-than-stellar proportion of wine with a smile. “I’m the one that just got into NYU, and this is all I get?”

“How old are you again?” questioned Zack with a laugh as he clinked our glasses together. I didn’t argue any further, instead just finished all the liquid in my glass. There was a brief moment in which the taste of the red wine reminded me slightly of the wine coolers I consumed on that one night where I got smashed, and I shuddered. But the moment was quick and the next thing I knew, Zack was forcing the envelope into my hands, bouncing nervously on his heels. “Open it, Riley, c’mon,” he begged, gripping his glass.

I carefully began to tear off the edges of the envelope until there was enough room for my to stick my thumb inside and tear off the entire top. I unfolded the letter from UCLA, and my breath hitched in my throat.

“What does it say!?” Exclaimed Zack.

“I – I got in at UCLA, too,” I whispered, rereading the letter just to be certain. If anything, the second time around made it seem even worse. And suddenly I was in the air being spun around by Zack, his arms wrapped around my waist and his smile anything but contagious.

“This is incredible!” He yelled. “I’m so proud of you Riley, so fucking proud of you!” And I was proud of myself, too, believe me. This was a testament to my hard work and dedication at school, even when times were rough. But now I had to make a decision, and that was the worst part of it all. Because there was really no win-win choice that I could make.