Promise Yourself, That This Isn't All We've Got

As we walked through the door, the footsteps became shorter. Not a single glance was exchanged. And I was nervous as hell. The tension in the air was making it hard to breathe. My palms were clammy. I was scared. I wanted to run away, but my legs felt heavy as I trudged next to William.

We walked for about a minute, all that time walking in silence. I followed but my eyes were glued on the pair of worn off black converse he was wearing. When the shoes stopped I did too, milliseconds later. I glanced up and William was leaning against a telephone post.

I stood a couple of steps in front of him. Awkwardness took over, but this time we were staring at each other. I pulled out a cigarette from my back pocket without taking my eyes off him. His mouth opened to say something but no words came out. I wanted to say something too. I wanted to tell him how much I missed him, but the overflow of ideas in my head had my voice trapped in my throat. I placed the white cancer stick in my mouth and lit it. I can’t forget so easily. A deep drag as William sat on the grassy ground. I can forgive but not forget. I sat next to him with my knees to my chest.

“I haven’t seen you smoke in a while.” I didn’t say anything, I just stared at the passing people, who as well gave us curious looks.

“Crystal, I’m sorry…” I had heard that so many times before,but never in a so hushed tone. Apologies can’t repair everything.

“Don’t be William.” With a slight touch I sent the hanging ashes to the ground.

“I know I screwed up, but I think I deserve a second chance.” I had been too long without him and it hurt me. Another deep drag. “You’re just pushing me out of your life, without giving me a chance. I want to make things right again.”

William looked at me expectantly but no words came from my mouth. “All these days without you have been like hell. I fell over you like a fool, without you I feel incomplete. All the moments I spent with you were breathtaking, all this sounds so cliche, but I mean it.” He was staring deeply into my eyes while pushing the hair out of my face. His face inched closer and I shut my eyes to feel his lips moving slowly upon my own. His lips always make me forget the rest of the world, there’s nothing but us, not even the cigarette burning my fingers, I pulled away. William had now a confused face. “Say something, tell me you feel the same.”

“I-I’m just... confused William.” I stuttered uneasily putting off the cigarette. I need him, why is it so hard to accept? My stupid pride won’t let me order my thoughts. I rested my head on my knees.

“You don’t know what you want right?”

I lifted my head to face him. “What do you mean?”

“You don’t know what to do about us, you don’t know if you want me to stay or to go.”

There was no denying that, he was true. Stay or leave. Why was it so hard to choose? Either I swallowed my pride and forgot everything or I would have to live without him. I looked up hoping an answer would fall from the clouds. “Do you know what you want for us?”

“Of course, otherwise I wouldn’t be here. I know I want you, I know I love you.”

“Don’t say that William, you don’t mean it.”

“I do.”

“No, William, we’re just teenagers, we have no idea what we want, to us words are just so easy to say.”

“I’m not a teenager anymore, if you do recall, I am twenty.” William stated in a ‘duh’ tone that was rather funny.

I fought back the smile that attempted to form my lips. “That makes no difference at all. You don’t even know what you’re doing with your life, how can you know you love me?”

“What do you mean? I know I love you as much as I love music and I don’t care about what will happen tomorrow, all I know is that I want you right now.”

I wanted to tell him how much I missed him. How I missed his voice, the way his arms would wrap me making me feel protected. Or how I missed his affection dosed in sweet kisses and tender touches. The way his words make the most simple things so beautiful.

He kept talking and as he spoke there was a glistening in his big brown eyes. I was probably just seeing things but I could’ve sworn there were tears threatening to escape his eyes, screaming apologies or maybe it was just the sun setting in the horizon that gave them that spark.

It was the cold breeze of Chicago-land that was hitting me in the face that bought me back to realization. I wasn’t musing about anything. Don’t get me wrong, I did care about what William was saying, I was just too busy contemplating his features that with the tired sunlight were only enchanting.

“I don’t know why I keep trying, you’re not even listening to me.” His voice was now piercing.

“I’m sorry... I-I was... thinking.” My voice was shaky as I looked down.

“I tried to work it out, to repair what I had done. But I can’t do it all. If you’re not willing to try there’s nothing I can do.”

Cue the silence.

“You wouldn’t answer my calls. You’re not willing to listen what I have to say. It’s obvious that I’m not worth your time. I thought we could get through this, I was sure that we could both figure this out, but I’m sure you’ll be better without me because I know I'll be better without your insecurities.” I was never expecting those words to come from him. I was shocked less to say. Without saying more, William kissed my cheek and I could only see the lanky figure walking away.