Rule the World

I would live with that burden, every day, for the rest of my life. I'd loved Edane. And I'd let her die.
~~~~~~~~

Sera

When Roy finished his story, I was frozen by disbelief. How had he failed to tell me this? To leave this huge piece of important information in his life was almost repulsing.

"Sera?" I looked up when he spoke my name, and I saw the worry in his eyes. "Say something."

"What am I supposed to say?" I asked, my voice sharper than I intended.

Roy's face twisted into a bitter smile. "I don't know." There was a pause as the three of us stood there in silence. Ulver watched us, his golden eyes dimmed.

"That night of the ball," Roy said slowly, "at first, I thought I was either losing my mind...or you were a ghost." He looked at me. "But I realized it was neither. I decided to imagine, for that one night, that I would be taken back. That you were--"

"Edane," I answered. "You wanted to think I was Edane. Is that what you've done this whole time?" My voice rose in volume as the realization hit me.

"Not consciencely," said Roy softly. "But--"

"So in order for you to feel better about your past mistakes, you decided to think of me as Edane. Not Sera. Edane."

"Sera--"

"No!" I shouted. "I was just a way for you to handle your guilt! You used me!"

"I still love you," he whispered.

"No," I said evenly, shaking my head. "No, you love that I look like her."

He said nothing; I knew I was right. This whole time, I'd been used so he could reminisce about his dead girlfriend. His silence confirmed it. I felt hurt, ashamed...

"Well, enjoy the rest of your life with your memories," I said and turned to leave.

"Sera, don't go."

"What else am I supposed to do, Roy?" I snapped, facing him. "I can't stay here, knowing you don't love me for me!"

He stood there, stone silent, staring down at his desk. I took that as my answer and left the room. I ran down the stairs to my room. I could not stay here. Knowing that all I'd done was make Roy's twisted fantasy stronger. I couldn't stand to be there with him so close.

I flung open the door to my room, making Elena jump.

"Sera, what's wrong?"

I didn't answer, instead, grabbing my bag and going over to the closet to throw my clothes in there.

"Sera, where are you going?"

"Home," I said.

"Why?"

"I can't be here."

"Why? What's wrong?"

I looked up at her, feeling the tears prick at my eyes. "Ask Roy."

"What did he do?" She was more worried now.

"Ask him," was all I said, zipping my bag closed. "When does the next shuttle leave here?"

"Half an hour, I think. But, Sera, you don't have to go. We can figure this out."

I shook my head. "Not now. I don't want to be here. He manipulated me because he couldn't let go of the past..." I looked at her and sniffed, before wrapping my arms around her. "Thank you so much, Elena. You've been such a wonderful person to me."

She hugged me back. When I pulled away, she studied my face and nodded. "Okay. If going home is what you really want..."

"I've got no where else to go. I just...I don't know. I'm really confused."

The door closed behind me as I left the room. I didn't want Elena to go with me to the City to catch the next shuttle. I wanted to be alone.

Yeah, well, you're not going to get that.

My bag was taken from my hand and I looked down to see the handle between Ulver's teeth. It would have been a humoring sight, but I wasn't in the mood for laughing. His eyes dropped and he continued down the corridor.

The shuttle will be awaiting you. When I looked at him questioningly, he said, I had it brought here.

"Thank you," I said, quietly. Our footsteps echoed off the arching walls as we walked on in silence. "Ulver...can you explain things better? I'm just..."

The human mind is an odd thing, Ulver said. I'm glad I don't have one. That made me smile slightly. I'd say that Roy never truly intended to hurt you, Sera. But he was so desperate for console and to have Edane back...you were just there. You've loved and lost someone right?

I nodded. "But that doesn't make me fantasize someone else as them."

True, but...Roy just needed solace. That's all I can say. The resemblance between the two of you is uncanny though.

I didn't want to talk about that. It wasn't uncanny to me. It was unnerving. The heavy, iron doors creaked open, the cold arctic wind hitting my face and making me shiver. The silver serpentine body of a shuttle awaited me and I turned to Ulver.

I hugged his neck, burying my face in his fur. "Thank you."

I did nothing worth thanking for. I caused a lot of this. I provoked Roy in the first place, thinking that your resemblance would make him forget her.

"He can't forget her," I mumbled. "I can tell. That's why I'm leaving."

Ulver whined and nuzzled me. I'll miss you. Good-bye, Seraphine.

"Don't say good-bye like we'll never meet again," I said, smiling slightly.

He seemed to almost smile. I hope we will see each other again.

I grabbed my bag and walked towards the shuttle. The feeling of someone watched me came over me and I stopped. Not knowing why, I looked up. High above me, near the top of the castle, on a balcony, stood Roy. His hands were braced against the railing as he watched me. Snow blew across the air between us and I shivered. Even from as far up as he was, I could see his expression. One of loss and pain.

I turned away and quickly walked for the shuttle, nearly throwing myself inside. The shuttle jerked and started moving. I looked out the large window to see Ulver standing in the snow, looking upset. I dropped my eyes and let the tears finally come. My chest seemed to constrict against my heart. Gram had told me about this feeling, but I'd never thought I'd have to go through it. I never thought I'd feel what I felt for Roy. Getting close to him had been a mistake, I'd told myself that, but I didn't listen and now I was here. Alone. As my heart broke.

Hours passed and the tears were drained. When the shuttle came to a stop, I grabbed my bag and stepped off, giving a quiet 'thank you' to the driver. I looked off into the horizon. Lore lay in the white expanse. The villagers didn't like the outside world, that's why I'd been dumped so far away. No doubt they'd hate me more when I came back.

I looked around at the tundra, nothing but the village for miles. Just white nothingness. It was just how I felt.

Empty.