The Newlyweds

John drove us toward the field that held so many amazing memories for the two of us. In a sense, it played a huge part in our marriage and relationship. He wasn’t yelling at other drivers, or driving fast at all. He turned the music up, and rolled the windows down. I hadn’t seen him this happy in weeks. It was a nice change, I mused.
In the back of my mind I knew that my time with this John, my Johnny, was fleeting. I knew that, eventually, he would snap again. I wasn’t sure why, but I knew that someday it was going to happen. It could be in a few hours, tomorrow, or even in a month. Something was going to change again, and I just wasn’t prepared to let him go. I haven’t been prepared at all.
I’ve never been the best with living in the moment. It’s difficult to take each day as they came, and accepting that no one day is the same. John wasn’t aware of how difficult this all was for me. He couldn’t see past whatever it was that was currently happening to him. I’m not even sure if he’s aware of it himself.
“Smile, pretty girl,” He laughed, fully beaming at me. “The sun is out, and the weather is bearable. It’s gorgeous,”
“It is,” I smiled back before holding in a sigh. Since when did I get so….blah about it all? I wasn’t sure, but between the moods and stress, I started to dwindle in my optimism. “I love you so much. You know that right?”
“Of course I do,” He laughed, turning onto the road to take us straight to the field. “I love you.”
He reached over the cupholders to grab my hand and weave his fingers through mine. He looked so incredibly content. Despite my reservations, I couldn’t keep from a smile gracing my lips. He was still my best-friend, husband and lover. He is what makes me, well me. I couldn’t ignore that.
“I love this place,” I stated after taking a long breath in. John was pulling our picnic essentials out of the trunk while I just stood there. He insisted on doing it himself. “It’s always been my favorite place to think,”
“It’s mine as well,” He chuckled. “C’mon,”
The man that I loved with all of my heart offered his hand out to me and I just couldn’t say no. We walked hand in hand until we found a decent spot for a picnic. As we ate, John joked around and I laughed. We talked about our future with kids, our marriage, and careers. It was safe to say that we wanted at least four, and I wanted mostly girls. John, of course, wanted to have three boys and a little girl that he could spoil.
While we talked, I felt something inside of me saying that it was wrong. Something was telling me that this wasn’t going to last or that it wouldn’t happen. I don’t know what that feeling was, but it filled me with dread. I wanted to be a mother and I wanted John to experience being a father. I wanted it more than anything, but couldn’t stop the little voice that whispered ever so delicately that it wasn’t going to happen.
“My shop is really taking off,” I answered honestly. “I was actually rather shocked that it’s happening,”
“Of course it’s happening! You’re my wife and you’re fantastic. You’re definitely going to be the best fashion boutique lady in all of Arizona,” He spoke with such a fast place that I ended up laughing. “I mean, you’re amazing.”
“Thank you,” I beamed back. “How is the new record coming?”
“It’s good,” He shrugged. “We’ve just finished it up and all of that. It’s been a long process. I mean, it’s finished so there’s that. I think I’ve decided to call it Pioneer. The guys are pretty on board with it,”
I nodded my head along.
“I like it.” I agreed.
“Good,” He smiled before moving his sunglasses on his face. He laid back on the blanket and crossed his arms underneath his head. It only took a minute before I laid back as well, getting comfortable with my husband. “I think you’ll really like this album. It’s better than anything that we’ve released before. I’m stoked,”
“I am,” I admitted, staring up at the perfectly blue sky. “Excited, I mean.”
“We’ve worked really hard on it,” He admitted. “Are you coming out on tour with us?”
“I don’t think that’s a possibility this year,” I admitted. “I mean, like I said; I have a lot at the boutique to handle. I can’t go away just like Maria can.”
“I get that,” He sighed, raking his hand through my hair. “You’re perfect,”
“Not really,” I rolled my eyes.
“I know that the last few months haven’t been easy.” He admitted. “I’m sorry,”
“It’s okay,”
But I knew that it wasn’t. Again that voice was back telling me that I shouldn’t have permitted what he had been like. Though it was too late, I knew that I couldn’t just say that it was okay next time. It’s not okay, and I think John knew that.



Looking for misery
But you found me
Lying naked on the floor
I was headed insane
The devil told me his name
But he's not welcome here
Anymore

I walked into my house to hear John singing and messing around with an acoustic guitar. I smiled as I watched him. His head was covered with a dark grey beanie and he was wearing a white t-shirt that showed his collarbones. The more that I saw John in those, the more I liked them. It was nice to see him get more of a staple on how he dresses. Not that his fashion choices are awful, but they could be better.
I didn’t want to interrupt him so I just stopped in the doorway as it sounded like he switched the songs.

Some days feel alone, on your own like a rolling stone
A perfect waste of a perfect day
Some days feel like chores, you get more than you bargain for
A heavy plate for one to undertake

I hate to say I told you so, but I just thought I'd let you know

Some days, they taste like lemonade
Some days can feel like razorblades
I wish I could float away, some days

(Some days)

Some days smell like spring, birds, they sing, jasmine's blossoming
Everything, oh it's everything
Sometimes things can seem evergreen, like the tv screen
Reality, it's reality

I hate to say I told you so, but I just thought I'd let you know

Some days, they taste like lemonade
Some days can feel like razorblades
I wish I could float away, some days
(I wish that I could float away)

Float away, I wish I could float away

I hate to say I told you so

Some days, they taste like lemonade
Some days can feel like razorblades
Oh I wish I could float away

I felt like I was eavesdropping on a very private moment. I turned promptly and left the room just as quickly as I had walked into the room. The last month had been good, great even. John was happy, and we were on fantastic terms. It makes a tad nervous when I think about it, but Maria just calls me paranoid. I’ve tried to make the best of the situation and it seemed to be working. This time had lasted the longest since before we got married. It was extremely nice.
I went into the study that we had in our house and I started to journal some thoughts. I figured that I might as well get out all of my frustration in a different way than bottling it up. I went to visit my father, and he tried his best to give me advice. He told me that I was a wonderful woman and John was a lucky man. It was difficult to explain how John had acted for the past few months. It was also crazy to believe that we’ve been married for three months already. May came up very quickly. I wasn’t expecting it to be so quick. 2011 was already passing so fast.
Life was passing by us, and I felt trapped. The more that I tried to convince myself that everything was okay, the worse that it got. And it is killing me.
John is killing me.