A Place on My Pillow

She pulled in behind Alex’s matchbox on wheels and took a deep breath. She put the car into park and shut off the engine. Slowly, with lazy movements, she pushed herself out of the car and towards Alex’s front door. She knocked, even though she had never once knocked on the door since she’d met the twins. She waited and finally, the door opened, revealing a wreck of a man, hair wild and circles bruised beneath his tired hazel eyes. Even his skin looked tired.

“Alex,” Polly said softly, her voice on the verge of breaking.

“I thought you didn’t want to see me anymore,” Alex said, his own already past the breaking point. There was a sense of loneliness in his movements. He walked back into his home, a resilient yet degraded gait that signified a broken man. Polly frowned as she followed him in, closing the door behind her. She let out a weak gasp as she saw the state that the once welcoming and pristine house had become. There were take out wrappers on almost every surface, dirty dishes piled underneath those. Otto lay on Cady’s bed, peaking out at Polly. He bound towards her, stirring up dust and dirt in the wake. He leapt into her arms, almost too big too fit. She let him cover her face with doggy kisses, slobber coating her cheeks and chin as he excitedly licked her.

“I’m sorry Momma was gone so long, Otto. I promise I won’t let so much time pass next time.”

He wiggled and she let him down, her eyes immediately going to the ghost of the best friend she used to know. He sat in the recliner, eyes staring at his hands. She walked over to him and took his calloused hands in hers. He looked up at her. She leaned in and rested her head against his. She wanted, in all honest, to kiss him. She wanted to entangle her hands in his hair that hadn’t been brushed in a few days. She wanted to make everything better, by taking him back to that room where she last saw him and show him that he meant more to her than Darren did.

“Don’t,” he whispered.

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t make this harder than it is. You can’t just cut me off and then show back up. I won’t let
you. I’ve had my heart ripped apart too many times in my life. I don’t need you to walk all over me like the rest of them.”

“I’m not walking al-”

“Like hell you aren’t,” Alex snapped, ripping his hands from her. “You call me up and tell me that you can’t possibly be friends with me anymore, after you sleep with me. Then, you sneak into my house and leave your dog with me. How is that not walking all over me? You’re tossing me around like a goddamn toy and you’re probably laughing it up with Darren over it. Although, from what I’ve heard from Millie, he’s not such a good guy after all, now is he?”

Hearing Alex talk like that, it was harder than forgiving Darren after a smack.

“Please, Alex. I-”

“You what? You’re sorry?”

“Yes,” Polly whimpered, sinking down onto the coffee table. She felt wrappers crunch underneath her as she stared into Alex’s agitated and lonely eyes. His sister had left and so had his best friend. He had nothing but his job which he hated, a mother who hated him, and a dog that preferred his best friend. Alex had nothing left, when you boiled it down.

“Why do you have to make this so difficult?” Alex asked exhaustedly, jumping out of his seat and stalking back and forth in front of Polly, pacing.

“I’m not trying to be difficult, Alex,” Polly stated, her eyes following him as he moved.

“Well, you are!”

“I’m sorry?”

“You complicate things, Polly.”

“I’m afraid I don’t quite understand,” Polly said slowly in response.

“You just do! You’re brilliant. You have all these wonderful quirks. And you’re beautiful. And I love you, but you don’t love me which makes everything hurt that much more and god, I hate this so much.”

“Hate what?” Polly prodded, gently as if she were speaking to a scared animal or child. Speak too harshly or loudly and they might bolt. Gentle, soft words. A caring tone of voice.

“Not being Darren!”

“Why do you want to be Darren?” Polly asked.

“Because, weren’t you listening? I’m in love with you, Pollyanna! I haven’t been this in love with someone since Kristen!”

“Who’s Kristen?”

So he told her. He recalled how they met, at school working at the school health fair for extra credit. And he told her that they were together for a long time before she left for Germany and he stayed behind. He told her of how Kristen had a fiancé and how she’s happy while he was stuck here, falling in love with a wonderful blonde girl that would never love him back.
By the end, they were both in tears. Simultaneously, they wiped away their own tears before the other could notice. Polly mumbled that she was sorry again and Alex waved it off.

“I know how you feel though,” Polly explained.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Polly then retold the tale of falling in love with Paul. She told how Paul had been friends with Josh and even though they had Josh as a mutual friend, they didn’t meet until after his death. They had hit it off quite well, even though Polly thought Paul was pompous and conceited at first, since he was one of the only intelligent athletes in the school. Paul had tricked her into a kiss, in front of the entire school. She still remembers thinking that Paul was “one hell of a kisser.” She explained how they were together for the rest of high school until cancer took him away a few months before graduation. She then went on to explain that there had been an older guy that had seemed unattainable that she fell in love with, at the end of her first year of college.

Alex nodded. A moment of silence passed over the pair, leaving no sound in the house except for Otto’s nails tapping on the linoleum floor in the kitchen.

“Move back in with me,” Alex said suddenly.

“I’m still with Darren, Alex,” Polly sighed, shaking her head.

“He’s no good for you.”

“He makes me happy,” Polly said, almost forcedly. Alex took note.

“Bullshit.”

“Excuse me?”

“Bull. Shit. There is no way in hell that Darren, that selfish, greedy, troublemaking prick makes you happy. Have you ever wondered why he had to take a ‘leave of absence’ from work? He was in jail.”

“What? No way.”

“Yeah. He beat the hell out of his roommate or something.”

She couldn’t say she was surprised. His roommate had probably been on the wrong end of a tantrum one night and well, Darren loses control. He blacks out, Polly recalls his mother saying at that dinner. She didn’t believe it though. He probably just says that so everyone will think he needs to see a therapist to control his anger or some such shit.

“What if you’re wrong?” she asked him.

“What?”

“What if Darren truly does make me happy? Would you let me be happy with him?”

“I know you better than that. You can’t possibly be happy with that, that… him!”

“Why not?”

“Because he’s, he’s Darren. I can’t explain it.”

“You just have a personal hatred for him, don’t you?”

This seemed to stop Alex in his tracks. Did he just hate Darren for no reason? Did he actually have a reason? Well, his reasoning was that Darren was hurting the girl that Alex was in love with. But for some reason, he didn’t think that Polly would accept that as an answer. He thought more about this and something burned in his chest. Not hatred, exactly. It was more of an intense distrust.

“I just don’t trust him,” Alex finally answered.

“That’s not enough, Alex.”

“He’s given me more than enough justification for it.”

“Oh, yeah? How?”

“Why do I need to explain this to you? He’s left bruises on you, Polly! And don’t tell me that breaking our friendship off was your idea because I know it wasn’t. He’s an asshole but you’re either blind or too in love with him to see him for how he really is!”

Polly shook her head, dismissing his comment.

“You don’t know him.”

“I know him better than you do.”

She shot him a look, stood up and started to leave.

“I’ll be at the clearing every Tuesday until you show up. All day,” he said as she reached the entryway.

“What will that prove?”

“Nothing. I just want you to know that it’s still special to me. That not even Darren can come between us, even though you think he should.”

She was gone a second later, leaving Alex alone in his dirty home. He let out a heavy sigh and started to clean, pulling himself out of his pity party.