Unsent Letters

Dear Myself:

I know you are going through a lot at this time in our life. We don’t seem to know which way is up anymore. It feels like we have fallen into the ocean, and forgotten how to swim; we’re drowning in our own emotions.

I also know deep down that even though it feels like the end of everything we know, that there is going to be a change. This pit we are falling into will end eventually, and it won’t be jagged rocks at the bottom. It may hurt when we hit that water, but we will survive, we will remember our swimming lessons, and we will find our way back onto land, or a life preserver at least.

I know that we feel like there is nothing left to hold onto. We are scared. Well, scared is an understatement, isn’t it? We are terrified! And that is all right, because though no one seems to understand, we both know that somewhere out there on this planet covered with millions, no, BILLIONS of other human beings, SOMEONE is going through the same doubt, loneliness, fear, and anxiety.

Our disorders are not the end of us. Yes, they are limiting, and it feels almost like there is no point in living at all anymore. It feels like there is nothing we can do to be “normal”. We feel like there is no point in waking up in the morning. Like there is no reason to even breathe anymore, because there are days that the air itself frightens us. We feel like we can’t make that change in the world that we always wanted to make. I mean, how can we change the world if we are afraid to step outside our bedroom, right?

Wrong! The only thing wrong with us is that we are listening to our fears more than our strengths! There are celebrities out there that we idolize, because they have similar disorders as ours. One of our biggest heroes is Howie Mandel. Most people think we are dorks for idolizing him, but our reason is understandable! Look what he’s been able to make of himself! What’s stopping us from doing the same?

On top of our anxiety disorder, and fear of germs, we are anything but secure and confident. But why? Because we enjoy video games of all kinds, actually had fun while studying in school, role-play, and dream of comic-con? Sure, we are your stereotypical, Star Wars quoting, Star Treck memorizing, comic collecting, elvish speaking, computer hacking geek, but we are also more than that. We are a writer, musician, artist, and performer that spends the entire year working in different community service projects, and making everyone around us happy. Have you seen pictures of us? Why can’t we just accept that we are NOT fat, or ugly? Sure, we aren’t supermodels, or drop-dead-gorgeous, but we ARE pretty!

Let’s just stop being an idiot, and wake the hell up, hm?

Kristen Elizabeth, I know how much you worry about your life. I know that writing this letter is hard. Really hard. In fact, tears are fighting their way to the surface right this very second. Writing our real name makes it real. But it NEEDS to be real! It’s the truth that we know, and ignore.

I know that this advice is hard to take. We won’t wake up tomorrow a different person. We will still look at that pair of scissors on our desk, or the razor in the shower, and want to drag it across our skin. We will still have cuts on our body, and scars on our flesh. We will still scream when a spider touches us, or cry when something gross touches our skin. We will still go through a bottle of hand sanitizer a day, and keep Lysol on us at all times, you know, just in case. We will still fight with our father, and cry behind closed doors while listening to Children of Bodom, Dir en grey, and Cradle of Filth. We will still have panic attacks, and we will still drive like an old lady, because we are incapable of driving above speed limit, as that would be against the law.

But we will NOT be weak! We will not be in limbo anymore. We finally reach the bottom of this pit, and it will hurt, and it will be very hard to swim against the current and waves pushing us under. But we won’t be dying anymore; we won’t drown.

We don’t think of these things enough. But the following are true!

You are talented.

You are beautiful.

You are strong.

You are wise.

You are brave.

You are NOT fat!

You are a good person.

I am talented.

I am beautiful.

I am strong.

I am wise.

I am brave.

I am NOT fat!

I am a good person.

I will overcome this.

~Kristen Elizabeth.

(Liza)