Change Your Mind

I never look back. It's something I pride myself on. I never regret the things I've done, because they get me to where I am and where I am is pretty damn amazing. Growing up, I had my dreams. Just like any other kid, they were big and crazy and very unlikely to come true. Unlike most though, mine did come true.

I made it into the NHL at 18 years old. It was crazy, it was amazing. How was it possible that I made it here?! People had always praised me for my skills on the ice in my younger years, but I never imagined, never thought it was possible, that I could make it to the very top.

And then the years flew by and I had a Stanley Cup under my belt. Another dream come true, another seemingly impossible goal turned possible. Left and right I was getting all sorts of awards and honors and I was some sort of hero. A whole city cheered for me and loved me. It was insane. I was always a humble guy, but jeez, when you've got all these people telling you you're the best, it's pretty damn hard not to believe it.

As for my life off the ice, well, I had none. If I wasn't at practice, then I was watching game tapes or jogging or hanging out with the guys to talk about, yep, you guessed it, hockey. It was kind of pathetic, the way I could be this big hero to all these people, and yet I was really just a hockey-obsessed idiot.

The pressure of being a hero got to me, just like it would any normal person. I felt like I had to be the best and then, after being the best came easy, I didn't even feel like the best was good enough. & then tragedy struck. January 5th, 2011. I got hit. And everything went to shit. All that pressure on my shoulders, the pressure to be the perfect hero for Pittsburgh, it weighed even heavier. I was the Captain, the leader of this team. But all in one moment, I wasn't enough.

For the first time in my life, I wasn't enough. I had always been the person to go above and beyond. Now, I couldn't even meet the minimum. I couldn't play hockey. I couldn't skate. I couldnt score the highlight reel goals or make that perfect pass to my teammates. I couldn't help my team win. It was the most frustrating, disappointing, god-awful feeling I'd ever felt.

Like I said before, hockey is my life. I didn't know what to do with myself. I wasn't even cleared to work out and I could only watch so many game tapes before I got bored. I was effectively cut off from hockey. It was strange...

I had to find other things to do with myself. & that's where she came in. She was all wrong for me; wild, dangerous, sexy. I was boring, awkward, and cautious. Nothing should have worked with us. We were all wrong for each other. I was too boring and she was too wild. But, then again, maybe that's how we balanced each other out.

Either way, she showed me a different side of the world, the side I had been sheltered from. In some weird, unbelievable way, we worked together and I fell in love with her. God, did I love her. But I’m Sidney Fucking Crosby, for God’s sake. Hockey was my life, my world. Eventually, it came back into the picture. It had to.

Did that leave any room for my new love? After all, my old love was pretty demanding. I just didn't know how to balance it. In my old world, things were simple. Now...

Who knows.



I never look back. It's something I pride myself on. I don't regret. My mindset is that life is a gift and we have to spend everyday living it to the fullest. What purpose is life if you spend it doing something you hate or not doing the things you want? That's why I do what I want. I party and go wild and make a shit ton of mistakes.

When I was little, like any other kid, I had my dreams and hopes. And, as any good mother and father do, my parents encouraged me to reach for the stars. Unfortunately, that meant learning early that life can be cruel. As an aspiring actress, I saw the most evil, materialistic, ugly side of the human race. Countless auditions thickened my skin to stone. Countless times I was told to give up, because I would never be pretty enough to be an actress, turned me into a quitter.

I hated being a quitter. I hated knowing that I had let stupid, stuck-up brats get to me like that. Unfortunately, I chose to do something else with my life. After failing at acting and not being at all coordinated enough to do sports, I stuck to partying and drinking. It started about the time I was in 10th grade. My innocent freshman year was over and I was slowly emerging onto the party scene. Suddenly it was cool to be a loser and drink your ass off and I embraced it.

Now, as I said before, I don't regret things. So I didn't. I loved partying. The adrenaline rush you get, the way the music is so damn loud you can feel it beating on your skin. I would dance with different guys, grinding and moving to the beat, never looking them in the eye because, God, I just didn't want to know them or it would feel too real. I know it was wrong and unhealthy, but I loved it and I couldn't stop... I wouldn't.

Then I met him. Sidney. He made me feel beautiful and wanted. He showed me that sometimes just laying back and watching a movie with him is a million times better than dancing with a couple random guys. We were opposites, but we were the best example of opposites attracting.

I fell in love with him. Fast. His hazel eyes and his little smirk. His full lips that constantly pouted. I loved him for the way he did the little things, like kissing my nose and cheek, and holding me in his arms, my head on his chest, just to show me how his heart beat faster for me. He loved me too, or at least I think. We hadn't said it to each other, not outright anyway. But the way we touched and kissed, I feel like I expressed my love for him that way, and him for me.

Sid had his own shit though. He had hockey. The problem was, for me, that if it comes down to it, and I think it will, I just don't know if he could ever choose me over hockey.