Status: Finals are coming by and I need to get my grades up. I won't be updating this very much. I'm sorry. Bare with me.
We're Ghosts in a Hail of Bullets
We Could Live Like Sid and Nancy
Japanese cherry blossoms, honey, and citrus. These light fragrances flooded my senses and took me out of the blood stained place. But only for a moment. Violet's voice brought me back.
"Hows your shower?" she asked in a snarky tone. I almost forgot I was in there. The warm water turned old long ago and shampoo was already down the drain. The scents has dispersed. I sat in the bathtub with the shower head above me, spewing out cold water. My knees were pressed against my chest. The freezing water was filling in the small bowl I made with my arms.
"Cold," I said blankly. It was terribly cold. But my body was numb. My body was still adjusting to Tate's poison. There was a heavier dose in my system.
"Hows that boyfriend of yours?" she asked in the same tone as last time. I didn't answer her. I think she repeated the question, but she was so far out of mind. There was a euphoric feelings that took over me. I felt light, weightless, and blissful. A fire, small but bright, still burned inside me. It was a euphoric anger.
Violet lingered in the bathroom, waiting for an answer. My thousand mile stare should have given it away that I was no longer there.
"Tate," I slightly murmured three times. I didn't even know I did it.
"You're pathetic," she snapped sharply. My reaction should have been to smack her dead, snotty ass, but I was unfazed. "You're like a delusional little girl. So naive. So stupid. He's a bad guy. But you don't care at all. Satan himself could be fucking you up the ass and you wouldn't notice. You're like one of those gothic bitches who touch themselves over serial killers,". Her words passed right through me or bounced off of me. The fire never grew and the weightlessness never dulled.
"I'm you," I managed in a quiet breath. She fell silent, but it only meant that she was gone.The knock at the door and the voice of my mother proved it. She wanted to tell me that I was in there for a long time. Trying to show some sort of concern, but I couldn't hear it. She just wanted me out of there so she could take a piss.
I twisted the knobs, turning off the water, and found a towel to cover myself in. I took a quick glance at the mirror before I opened the door. The girl starring back at me was horrifying. Her skin was white with a sickly hint of blue. Her full lips were the color of illness. These pale, dull, emotionless, blue eyes watched me pass her by. I couldn't bare to look at her any more.
I walked by my mom without a word. My sluggish appearance must have worried her, but not enough to care. She didn't follow me into my room. The darkness concealed my nudity from Tate since he woke up while I was getting dress. My back was turned to him and I had underwear on. I tried my best to show no interest. It wasn't hard. He tried to wrap his arms around me but I quickly pulled my shirt down and moved away. The awkward silence that quickly filled the air.
"Did I do something wrong?" Tate asked. His voice was full of concern and sorrow.
"No," I said as I cupped his face with my hand and rubbed his cheek, "you're perfect,". He flashed me a small smile through the darkness, but it wasn't enough to lift my spirits this time. I didn't want to explain to him all of the horrors I saw. The way I enjoyed it. Even then as I stroked his face. I imagined it blood stained and twisted into a vicious smile.
I kissed him. But pulled away before he could kiss me back. God forbid we make contact for more than a few seconds.
"Are you going to go home?" I asked, attempting to sound polite. The cruelty leaked through though. It practically killed him. His eyes found a way to the floor and sadness had swollen his words. "I'm sorry," I whispered in a weakly sympathetic tone.
I began walking to my bed. Sleep was my only comfort and I needed it now more than ever. Perhaps it would deflect any fight I may had started. But before I could make it to the bed posts, Tate step forward.
"Do you want me to leave?" he asked in a stern voice. It was low, like a growl.
"Well, Constance will miss you. You have to go home some time," I muttered, but instantly Tate responded.
"No!" he yelled. I was scared that Mom would walk in and find him. "Do you want me to go?". The repeated question sent a new message. It gripped my heart and squeezed. The hand began to choke every last drop of fire infused blood out of me. My throat was tight. It hurt to swallow down the anguish that fought through the euphoria and hate.
"Why would I ever want you to go?" I asked him. My voice cracked and tears poured out of my eyes. I was this pathetic girl again. Just like earlier today.
Tate backed further away from me. The shadows in my room hid him away. "I'm a monster," he claimed.
"No..." I tried to say, but the tears made it sound like a plea.
"I killed those people, Anna," he remembered, "Do you want me to go away? I understand if you do. You can cast me away. You can hate me all you want. I won't mind. Rip my heart out of my chest, Anna! Destroy me! I won't care. I love you. Not the stupid, teen romance shit either. I want you. I want to be with you and I would stop at nothing to get you, unless you didn't want me. I'm a disgusting, disgraceful, horrible, psychopath. Ask anyone! But you...Anna, you're beautiful, elegant, sweet, and caring. You don't look at me like everyone else. I'm not some creepy, angsty, weird little boy to you. I'm not some hard ass, punk guy walking down the hallway. There's no wall between you and I. There's only closeness and love. I'm so vulnerable with you. I'm fragile and pure," he explained with so much pain in his words. I practically fell backward from the overload.
"Tate...I'm not elegant or beautiful. I'm a bitch to people who piss me off. I'm weird and awkward. And you? Well, you are creepy, angsty, disgusting, and weird. You're all of those things, but I wouldn't change you for the world. You're this insane little dude. You get over emotional over things and your thoughts are never on track. All of your flaws make you this amazing boy who draws hearts on my chalk board and listens to me bitch about my day. You hold me for hours and fight off your ex-girlfriend's ghost. I love you, just the way you are. All of the bloodstains and scars. Your fragile little heart. I love it all. I want it all," I sobbed at first. By the end I was laughing at him and myself. "Fuck being in love. Fuck Bella Swan and Edward Cullen. Fuck being like Jack and Sally. We'll never be two little lovers who live a perfect life. We'll never be role models of love. Let's break shit and scream on top of buildings. Cuss out the world for absolutely no reason," I said with a wide, almost insane smile.
I stepped closer into the shadows with him. Soon we were pressed together with our arms around each other.
"Let's live like Sid and Nancy," Tate said as he kissed the top of my head and stroked my hair. Sid Vicious and his girlfriend Nancy.
"I can manage that," I whispered back. Loose tears fell from my eyes. They stained his shirt by accident. I pictured our lives together. Living like Sid and Nancy. I forgot that they die in the end.
"Hows your shower?" she asked in a snarky tone. I almost forgot I was in there. The warm water turned old long ago and shampoo was already down the drain. The scents has dispersed. I sat in the bathtub with the shower head above me, spewing out cold water. My knees were pressed against my chest. The freezing water was filling in the small bowl I made with my arms.
"Cold," I said blankly. It was terribly cold. But my body was numb. My body was still adjusting to Tate's poison. There was a heavier dose in my system.
"Hows that boyfriend of yours?" she asked in the same tone as last time. I didn't answer her. I think she repeated the question, but she was so far out of mind. There was a euphoric feelings that took over me. I felt light, weightless, and blissful. A fire, small but bright, still burned inside me. It was a euphoric anger.
Violet lingered in the bathroom, waiting for an answer. My thousand mile stare should have given it away that I was no longer there.
"Tate," I slightly murmured three times. I didn't even know I did it.
"You're pathetic," she snapped sharply. My reaction should have been to smack her dead, snotty ass, but I was unfazed. "You're like a delusional little girl. So naive. So stupid. He's a bad guy. But you don't care at all. Satan himself could be fucking you up the ass and you wouldn't notice. You're like one of those gothic bitches who touch themselves over serial killers,". Her words passed right through me or bounced off of me. The fire never grew and the weightlessness never dulled.
"I'm you," I managed in a quiet breath. She fell silent, but it only meant that she was gone.The knock at the door and the voice of my mother proved it. She wanted to tell me that I was in there for a long time. Trying to show some sort of concern, but I couldn't hear it. She just wanted me out of there so she could take a piss.
I twisted the knobs, turning off the water, and found a towel to cover myself in. I took a quick glance at the mirror before I opened the door. The girl starring back at me was horrifying. Her skin was white with a sickly hint of blue. Her full lips were the color of illness. These pale, dull, emotionless, blue eyes watched me pass her by. I couldn't bare to look at her any more.
I walked by my mom without a word. My sluggish appearance must have worried her, but not enough to care. She didn't follow me into my room. The darkness concealed my nudity from Tate since he woke up while I was getting dress. My back was turned to him and I had underwear on. I tried my best to show no interest. It wasn't hard. He tried to wrap his arms around me but I quickly pulled my shirt down and moved away. The awkward silence that quickly filled the air.
"Did I do something wrong?" Tate asked. His voice was full of concern and sorrow.
"No," I said as I cupped his face with my hand and rubbed his cheek, "you're perfect,". He flashed me a small smile through the darkness, but it wasn't enough to lift my spirits this time. I didn't want to explain to him all of the horrors I saw. The way I enjoyed it. Even then as I stroked his face. I imagined it blood stained and twisted into a vicious smile.
I kissed him. But pulled away before he could kiss me back. God forbid we make contact for more than a few seconds.
"Are you going to go home?" I asked, attempting to sound polite. The cruelty leaked through though. It practically killed him. His eyes found a way to the floor and sadness had swollen his words. "I'm sorry," I whispered in a weakly sympathetic tone.
I began walking to my bed. Sleep was my only comfort and I needed it now more than ever. Perhaps it would deflect any fight I may had started. But before I could make it to the bed posts, Tate step forward.
"Do you want me to leave?" he asked in a stern voice. It was low, like a growl.
"Well, Constance will miss you. You have to go home some time," I muttered, but instantly Tate responded.
"No!" he yelled. I was scared that Mom would walk in and find him. "Do you want me to go?". The repeated question sent a new message. It gripped my heart and squeezed. The hand began to choke every last drop of fire infused blood out of me. My throat was tight. It hurt to swallow down the anguish that fought through the euphoria and hate.
"Why would I ever want you to go?" I asked him. My voice cracked and tears poured out of my eyes. I was this pathetic girl again. Just like earlier today.
Tate backed further away from me. The shadows in my room hid him away. "I'm a monster," he claimed.
"No..." I tried to say, but the tears made it sound like a plea.
"I killed those people, Anna," he remembered, "Do you want me to go away? I understand if you do. You can cast me away. You can hate me all you want. I won't mind. Rip my heart out of my chest, Anna! Destroy me! I won't care. I love you. Not the stupid, teen romance shit either. I want you. I want to be with you and I would stop at nothing to get you, unless you didn't want me. I'm a disgusting, disgraceful, horrible, psychopath. Ask anyone! But you...Anna, you're beautiful, elegant, sweet, and caring. You don't look at me like everyone else. I'm not some creepy, angsty, weird little boy to you. I'm not some hard ass, punk guy walking down the hallway. There's no wall between you and I. There's only closeness and love. I'm so vulnerable with you. I'm fragile and pure," he explained with so much pain in his words. I practically fell backward from the overload.
"Tate...I'm not elegant or beautiful. I'm a bitch to people who piss me off. I'm weird and awkward. And you? Well, you are creepy, angsty, disgusting, and weird. You're all of those things, but I wouldn't change you for the world. You're this insane little dude. You get over emotional over things and your thoughts are never on track. All of your flaws make you this amazing boy who draws hearts on my chalk board and listens to me bitch about my day. You hold me for hours and fight off your ex-girlfriend's ghost. I love you, just the way you are. All of the bloodstains and scars. Your fragile little heart. I love it all. I want it all," I sobbed at first. By the end I was laughing at him and myself. "Fuck being in love. Fuck Bella Swan and Edward Cullen. Fuck being like Jack and Sally. We'll never be two little lovers who live a perfect life. We'll never be role models of love. Let's break shit and scream on top of buildings. Cuss out the world for absolutely no reason," I said with a wide, almost insane smile.
I stepped closer into the shadows with him. Soon we were pressed together with our arms around each other.
"Let's live like Sid and Nancy," Tate said as he kissed the top of my head and stroked my hair. Sid Vicious and his girlfriend Nancy.
"I can manage that," I whispered back. Loose tears fell from my eyes. They stained his shirt by accident. I pictured our lives together. Living like Sid and Nancy. I forgot that they die in the end.