The Only Hope for Me Is You

On the first day of Chemistry, Matt Nicholls gets assigned to sit next to Dan Flint.

At first Matt doesn't feel so okay with this. See, Dan is gay. Dan is very gay. Dan hangs out with girls and has blonde hair and has pictures of boys on his binder and to be honest it makes him a bit uncomfortable. Matt sits down anyway because he doesn't want to cause a scene. He has to do labs with this guy. Shit.

After about a month and a half of school, autumn falls and Dan starts wearing scarves. Matt decides he doesn't really mind Dan because Dan minds his own business and doesn't shove his gayness in his face. Matt puts a picture of Vikki Blows on his binder as if to point out to Dan that he's straight, in case Dan wasn't sure.

By the time December rolls around Dan and Matt have talked a few times. Matt thinks Dan is pretty nice. He's dyed his hair a bit darker because he says he needed “a winter colour.” Matt doesn't know what that means.

Both of their birthdays are in spring and Dan shows up to class on his birthday with a bunch of pink balloons and presents in Victoria's Secret bags. Matt gives him a bit of a funny look but Dan doesn't seem to care. Matt gets it. It's his eighteenth birthday and he's probably going to go home and immediately download fifteen gigs of gay porn. Matt sighs. All he got for his eighteenth birthday was a blowjob from some hot 23-year-old girl he sees at shows all the time.

Near the end of school, some time in June, Dan is studying for the Chem final and Matt is flicking his lighter.

“What's the equation for molar mass again, love?” Dan asks. Love. “Is it the one where you divide...”

Matt looks at him, sliding his review sheet over. Dan puts his hand on Matt's when he takes the paper. “Thanks,” he says.

“Don't,” Matt says, jerking his hand away.

“What?” Dan asks, looking at him.

“Stop flirting with me,” Matt says flatly, blinking. “I'm not a fag.”

Dan's mouth kind of falls open a bit and then it closes. He looks down, then gets up and walks out of class.

The next day, Dan isn't in class.

This is out of the ordinary because Dan rarely misses class, and if he did, he would email all his teachers ahead of time and be all prepared. But the teacher seems genuinely confused when Dan is absent. And when he's absent the next day. And the day after.

-----

Matt decides he'll go see Dan.

Matt is walking through the hospital carrying flowers. The hospital smells like antiseptic and dirty syringes and blood and too many smells to really identify them individually. Matt decides hospitals need their own smell. Hospital smell.

When Matt gets to Dan's room, Dan is asleep or knocked out on pain meds. Matt puts the flowers on a table across from Dan's bed where there are other flowers and some get well cards. Dan seems to have a lot of friends. Matt's not sure he understands. He pulls a chair over to the side of Dan's bed and sits down, watching him.

After a few minutes, a nurse comes in to change Dan's IV bag. Matt watches Dan in his sleep and the nurse looks at them.

“Are you his partner?” she asks. Matt looks up.

“Oh, no,” he says softly. He sinks into his chair a bit.

“Oh, I just thought, with the way you were looking at him...” The nurse sighs. “He should be up soon for dinner. You can talk to him before he eats.”

“Alright,” Matt says, biting his lip. He's not sure Dan will react well to this.

About a minute after the nurse leaves, Dan makes a sleepy noise and his eyes crack open. He rubs them and that's when Matt notices the bandages around his wrists. Matt can't really look at them.

“Matt?” Dan asks, his voice small. Matt nods. “Why... are you here?”

“I brought you flowers,” Matt says quietly. He gestures to the table. “I got you lilies because on your birthday one of your friends gave you them so I thought you might like them.”

Dan sits up a bit. “Lilies are my favourite,” he murmurs. He blinks and Matt can almost see how he works through his thoughts. “I thought you hated me,” he says.

Matt shakes his head. “No, I just acted like a dickhead,” he says. Dan looks down.

“Well,” he says.

“I know,” Matt says.

“I just.”

“I know.”

“I should know better than to fall for straight guys by now,” Dan sighs. He lays back down. “Sorry.”

“Not your fault,” Matt says, frowning. “You can't really help...” Oh, wait, Dan fell for him. Oh.

“Yeah,” Dan says.

Matt crosses his legs. Well.

It's quiet for a minute or two aside from Dan's heart monitor and its steady beep. Matt sighs.

“I'm sorry I called you a fag,” he says.

“You didn't call me a fag,” Dan says softly. He looks up at Matt.

“I guess I didn't, but I shouldn't have said that,” Matt says. He purses his lips.

“No, you shouldn't have, but I forgive you,” Dan says. “I'd just had a shit weekend and. Yeah. It just kind of set me off, and now here I am.” Dan scoffs. “Turns out I can't even kill myself right.”

“I'm glad you didn't kill yourself,” Matt breathes. He picks at a loose thread on his jeans.

“That makes one of us,” Dan says. “I have to go back home now.”

Matt looks up at him.

“What's at home?”

“My dad,” Dan murmurs. He leans forward and turns away from Matt. Between the gap in his hospital gown Matt can see there's a bunch of tiny round burns across Dan's back. Cigarette burns.

“He puts out his cigarettes on your back?” Matt asks.

“Yeah,” Dan sighs, sitting back. “He says I'm a fag so I ought to have fags put out on me.”

“That's...” Matt searches for the right word. “I don't know. I can't imagine.”

“It doesn't really hurt anymore so he's been hitting me a lot recently,” Dan sighs. “He nearly beat me unconscious a few weeks ago.”

“Is that why you...?”

“Yeah, pretty much,” Dan says softly. He looks down. “I don't know. Sort of. I just hate that I can't find a decent guy around here.”

“I'm a decent guy around here,” Matt says. He bites his lip.

“But you're straight,” Dan says.

“Not... really,” Matt admits. Dan looks up at him.

“What?”

“I, um,” Matt says. He closes his eyes. “I think I like you a bit too.”

Dan looks up at him, wide-eyed. Matt looks back at him. Yeah, this is why he adored Dan so much. It just took a hospital stay for him to actually realize it.

“Really?” Dan asks, “or are you fucking with me?”

“I'm not fucking with you,” Matt says.

“I don't know if I believe you,” Dan murmurs.

“Well I do,” Matt says.

Dan is quiet. He seems to be thinking, or worrying.

“Then kiss me,” Dan says.

Matt's chest thuds. He gets up and takes the few steps over to the bed, leans down, and slides a hand around to the back of Dan's neck. He can feel Dan's pulse under his thumb and it quickens, and Dan's breath is warm on his lips. He stays like that for about a full five seconds.

“Fucking kiss me you knob,” Dan says, so Matt smiles and then he does.

Matt has never actually kissed a boy before, so when Dan's scruff brushes his it's a little surprising, but they kiss anyway. Dan interlocks their lips and Matt purrs. They don't kiss for more than a few seconds.

“You can stay with me if you need to get away from your dad,” Matt says. He runs a hand through Dan's hair.

Dan looks up at him. “Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Mattie,” Dan says.

Matt giggles. “Yes, Dan?”

“Are we, like, boyfriends now or summat?” Dan asks.

“Sure,” Matt says.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“I think this is probably not a conventional way to begin a relationship,” Dan remarks. Matt smiles.

“I don't really care,” Matt sighs.

It's quiet for a few minutes. Dan just kind of lays there looking up at Matt, smiling to himself, and Matt plays with a bit of Dan's hair.

“I'm getting checked out in the morning,” Dan says softly. “Can you stay with me tonight?”

Matt nods. “Yeah, I'll stay,” he says. Dan scoots over in the bed and he pats the spot next to him. Matt smiles, toes his shoes off, then climbs in.

The hospital bed is small, but so is Dan and Matt's pretty skinny too so they manage to make it work. Dan is kind of half laying on Matt anyway. Matt lets Dan rest his head on his shoulder and Dan puts a hand on Matt's hip. Matt touches his bandaged wrist carefully and Dan turns it over, letting Matt see where the blood seeps through his gauze.

“Babe,” Matt says.

“The stitches hurt,” Dan says.

Matt cradles Dan's wrist in his hand and he lifts it to his lips, kissing it softly.

“Better?” he asks.

Dan smiles weakly. “A little,” he says. Dan turns Matt's face to his and kisses him again. “Better now.”

Matt lays his head next to Dan's, lacing their fingers together. Dan smiles.

“I'm glad you came to visit,” Dan says softly.

“Me too,” Matt decides. He figures he can deal with hospital smell for a night.