Right Where I Belong

“You didn’t see the look on his face McKenzie, he was upset.”
“Alyssa, you can’t keep beating yourself up like this! Benji will tell you how he feels again, just give it time.” McKenzie sighed, she was getting tired of this conversation.
“I don’t know McKenzie, I really screwed up.” I whispered. This was probably the hundredth time I had talked to her about what had happened. Of course McKenzie being the person that she is, tried to do a little spy work, but Benji hadn’t said a peep to Joel about what had gone down between the two of us.
“Look I have to go to work, but I promise things will get better.” McKenzie said hanging up the phone. I sighed laying my phone on the counter. Vitani meowed at me from the couch. I looked at her and watched as she jumped off the couch making her way over to me. She nuzzled my ankle while purring happily. I picked her up nuzzling my face into her warm little body. Sighing I placed her back on the ground making my way to my bedroom. I grabbed my oversized purse, a notebook, a couple of pens, my iPod, and changed from my pajamas into a pair of gray wash shorts, a black tank, and slipped on my black mid-calf boots. I placed my ear buds into my ears and turned on my iPod, deciding to listen to He Is We. I walked out of my apartment, locking my door and proceeding to walk down the many flights of stairs to the bottom.
I walked into the warm afternoon sun and made my way to the park. As I walked down the sidewalk, I couldn’t help but think of the situation at hand. Maybe I could take the first step instead, tell Benji how I feel. Surely he wouldn’t have been a jackass as I had been. I reached my destination in no time. I sat at a picnic table, opened my notebook and began to write until I couldn’t write anymore; I needed my head clear of everything. My iPod stopped playing, bringing me back to reality. I looked around and noticed it was late, the sun had almost disappeared behind the horizon.
Getting back to my apartment, I noticed the door slightly open causing me to panic. I reached into my phone, turning back around and heading for the stairs. I quickly dialed McKenzie’s number.
“Hello Jello!”
“Someone’s in my apartment!” I half yelled, peaking around the corner to see if anyone had come out.
“It’s probably just Benji, he told me that he called you a couple of times, but you didn’t answer. He asked for the key and I gave it to him.”
I relaxed, but just a little. What if it wasn’t? “When was this?”
“I don’t know…maybe three…four hours ago.”
I heard whispers coming from around the corner, peeking again I saw Vitani strutting down the hall towards me, Benji quickly running after her.
“I swear to god cat if I lose you, Alyssa is going to have my head on a silver platter.” He spoke to Vitani bringing her back into my apartment this time shutting the door.
“You’re right it’s Benji…and next time, please warn me. I about had a heart attack!!!”
McKenzie giggled said goodbye and hung up.
I walked to my apartment and opened it, Benji was nowhere in sight. I looked in the kitchen, nothing. I looked Bathroom, nothing. I made my way to my room and there he was looking out the window with Vitani is tow.
“Nice breaking and entering.” I joked setting my purse on the door knob.
“Yeah, well…I figured I would come over, give you some company, but you weren’t here.”
I looked down, butterflies swarming my stomach. This was it, my chance to redeem myself. “I was at the park, clearing my head,” I paused taking a deep breath, “Benji there is something I want to tell you.”
“Before you tell me anything, I just want to apologize for what happened a couple weeks ago. It was uncalled for.”
“No, you had every right! I should be the one apologizing.”
“Anyways, I just wanted to say sorry and to make sure we’re still friends.” Benji smiled at me. I gulped, frozen in time. Friends…that’s all we are…friends.
“Friends.” I agreed nodding my head.
“So what did you want to tell me?” He asked setting Vitani down on my bed.
“Um…it’s not important.”
“Sure it is, tell me.”
“Benji, it’s really not important at all.”
“Please Alyssa, tell me.”
I sighed letting the weight of the world roll off my shoulders. “I just thought that maybe what you had said to me was something I had been waiting to hear. So I was going to tell you that,” I inhaled, I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t lay my heart on the line only for it to get rejected. “That I really value you as a friend.”
I could see it in his eyes he didn’t really believe me. The smile that formed on his face was just a simple cover up to fool me. Was he hurt I hadn’t told him the truth, that I hadn’t confessed my crush turned love to him?
“I’m glad.” He got up and hugged me. “Listen I have to go, but why don’t we have lunch together Friday, my treat.”
“Sure I’ll text you Thursday and let you know what time works for me.”
Benji disappeared from my room; quickly I turned around and followed. I couldn’t let him leave here without knowing how I feel about him. Benji was just about to shut the door to my apartment when I stopped him.
“I lied.”
Benji stopped and turned around, “What?”
“I lied, sort of.” I breathed.
Benji walked back into my apartment shutting the door. “What do you mean Alyssa?”
“That important thing wasn’t that I valued your friendship, even though I do! Don’t get me wrong, you are an amazing,” I paused as my nerves started to get the best of me. “What I wanted to tell you was how I feel about you and if I wait until Friday to tell you, I’m sure I’m going chicken out again, so here it goes. I like you, a lot. The first time I saw a picture of you I thought you were hot, and then I met you,” Benji just stared at me, no expression on his face. “And you were a complete jerk to me. I compressed my feelings for you, but when you started being nice to me and when you became jealous-” Benji cut me off.
“I was not jealous; I just had a bad feeling about that guy.”
“Just let me finish please.” I pleaded, Benji nodded.
“I started having a crush on you again. You would stop by to see how I was doing or call just to talk about things that were so out of the norm to talk about. I started to fall for you more and more and now I find myself in love with you. The other day when you said something to me and I was off in my own dream world and you didn’t repeat it I was so scared that I had missed you confessing that you had feelings for me. Since then things have been awkward for us. So here I am, confessing to you that I love you and I’m scared shitless that you don’t have feeling for me and I just made this even more awkward for us and probably ruined our friendship.”