The Hardest Part Of This Is Leaving You

Stars slid down the night sky like fresh paint on a canvas. Cricket's cheeped, tree's swayed and it was only by being in his presence that the darkness did not faze me.

I shivered as the cold midnight breeze blew across us. In response he slid across the grass, our bodies now touching, still laying side by side, hand in hand.

I never knew it was possible to feel two very different emotions at once. Happiness and sadness. And the way they came together was like a monstrous wave on a cliff: destructive.

It was unfortunate that the feeling of misery were in that moment the cliff: strong and despite the waves best efforts, over powering. The feeling of being with him just wasn't quite big enough to push away the thoughts of our impending doom.

I sat up and let go of his hand, quickly wiping away the over-due tear that swept down my cheek, hoping he wouldn't realise. His arm's slowly wrapped around me and my head became buried in his bony chest. Despite being in my sanctuary, more tears followed.

He pulled away momentarily, giving himself a chance to wipe them away and look me in the eyes.

They say eyes are like a doorway to the soul, and I think its true, because like his soul, they were beautiful. Almond shaped and deep blue in colour; they were the prettiest I had ever seen. Still beautiful, they now bulged out, blood shot.

His dark brown hair was once shaved into a Mohawk that flopped over on the left side. His left eyebrow had been pierced, as had both ears, the holes filled with small plugs.

It was kinda funny how people's judgements allowed them to think he was not good, based solely on his appearance. Of course I understood; he had a bad boy exterior but he was the most amazing guy I had ever met.

He didn't look like that any more. He lost his hair months ago, his cheeks become hollow as the weight dropped off him, leaving him frail and weak. He didn't smile as much.

I tried my best to keep back the tears, for his sake. I knew how much my pain hurt him, maybe more than it hurt me. And he was sad also, yet so very, very brave. Braver than I could ever be.

''It's okay, everything is going to okay.'' He cooed, his deep voice caring and calm.

I nodded, knowing that anything more would allow the tears to escape again, and I would not let them.

With one hand still on my cheek he reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope.

''Sweet heart.'' He began slowly, brushing a long strand of my brown hair out of my eyes. ''I want you to..read this when I'm-''

''Don't.'' I blurted, my voice cracking. I couldn't bear to hear him say it.

''I know you don't want to hear it...'' He looked away and I felt guilty for being so selfish.

''If it happens...which it wont...then I will.'' I promised, kissing his pale hand.

He smiled weakly, kissing my forehead gratefully.

The doctors had told us it could happen at any time. I tried to swallow the lump at the back of my throat but it just wouldn't go away...I knew deep down that I was going to loose him but I couldn't bare to accept it.

''These three years with you have been the happiest...You know I love you, with all my heart.'' I said honestly.

''I love you too and I promise you, this will get better. I'm doing everything I can now so you won't need me, OK?''

''But I'll always need you. I don't...'' I began, but just couldn't finish.

''I know.'' He whispered as he wiped away more of my tears. ''It breaks my heart to see you like this.''

''I'm more worried about you.''

''I'm not scared of dying. They expect me to be sad that my life is coming to an end at eighteen but I'm not.''

''It's OK to be sad or scared.''

''I'm not though, I'm really not.''

''Then why are you crying?'' I asked. I could see how cut up he was.

''It's not because of that, the hardest part of this...'' His face scrunched up, his teeth grit together and in a voice that was heartbreakingly broken he replied, ''The hardest part of this is leaving you.'