Getting Physical
One...
I lay in my bed for the rest of the day, staring at the ceiling and feeling more uncertain than I had ever felt before. The ceiling is white and I can't help but think of all the things that I feel are wrong with me.
'Alissa with an i' has to hate me for some reason.
I roll out of bed and I can hear my mother's footsteps down the hall.
She hasn't spoken to me since this morning's incident.
I've never felt more awkward around my mother since I told her exactly what I thought about myself--
And what I thought SHE thought about me.
I stand in-front of the mirror and tilt my head from left to right, my eyes roaming over my body.
To fat.
To thick.
To much.
To little.
To blonde.
To blue.
To...everything...
But not enough of what I want in the right places.
I inhale a shaky breath and pull my hair back into a ponytail.
My mother would kill me for this, but I don't care.
I look at the shower and then spot a pair of scissors. The ends are sharp and shiny and I grab them from the rack behind the commode.
As I jerk the rubber-band, I look at my waist length blonde hair and grimace.
It is my turn.
I grab a handful of hair and slice it off, right below my ear.
"Good." I say quietly as I grab another handful and cut it at the same length.
By the time that I have completed my task, I feel free.
My hair is gone and I feel as if I have just ended the life of a growing child.
'Click-click-click'
Shit, it's my mother.
I close my eyes and wait for the comment about my face looking fat and how awful it is.
"It's nice."
My eyes snap open and I whip my hair around. It's surprisingly light and I move it quickly once more, just for the feel of it.
"Huh?" I ask, and I am surprised by the smile that decorates her pink face.
"I said, 'it's nice'." she repeats as she nods her head. "You decide how you're goin' to fix it yet?" she asks and I smile slightly.
There's my mama.
"What'ya think about a perm?"
I see her eyes light up, and all that I can think is--
Oh God, what have I done?
"I bet a perm would look amazin', sweetpea."
I look down and see the thick hair that covers the bathroom floor.
I can not believe it's gone.
"You're gonna clean that up, huh?" My mama asks and I can tell that she regrets letting our cleaning lady off for the day.
And so do I.
'Alissa with an i' has to hate me for some reason.
I roll out of bed and I can hear my mother's footsteps down the hall.
She hasn't spoken to me since this morning's incident.
I've never felt more awkward around my mother since I told her exactly what I thought about myself--
And what I thought SHE thought about me.
I stand in-front of the mirror and tilt my head from left to right, my eyes roaming over my body.
To fat.
To thick.
To much.
To little.
To blonde.
To blue.
To...everything...
But not enough of what I want in the right places.
I inhale a shaky breath and pull my hair back into a ponytail.
My mother would kill me for this, but I don't care.
I look at the shower and then spot a pair of scissors. The ends are sharp and shiny and I grab them from the rack behind the commode.
As I jerk the rubber-band, I look at my waist length blonde hair and grimace.
It is my turn.
I grab a handful of hair and slice it off, right below my ear.
"Good." I say quietly as I grab another handful and cut it at the same length.
By the time that I have completed my task, I feel free.
My hair is gone and I feel as if I have just ended the life of a growing child.
'Click-click-click'
Shit, it's my mother.
I close my eyes and wait for the comment about my face looking fat and how awful it is.
"It's nice."
My eyes snap open and I whip my hair around. It's surprisingly light and I move it quickly once more, just for the feel of it.
"Huh?" I ask, and I am surprised by the smile that decorates her pink face.
"I said, 'it's nice'." she repeats as she nods her head. "You decide how you're goin' to fix it yet?" she asks and I smile slightly.
There's my mama.
"What'ya think about a perm?"
I see her eyes light up, and all that I can think is--
Oh God, what have I done?
"I bet a perm would look amazin', sweetpea."
I look down and see the thick hair that covers the bathroom floor.
I can not believe it's gone.
"You're gonna clean that up, huh?" My mama asks and I can tell that she regrets letting our cleaning lady off for the day.
And so do I.