Status: Finished
Imperfect
Medicine
I woke up the next morning to the same routine as before-room check, breakfast, clothes changed, teeth brushed. I looked forward to seeing Raz for therapy. I’d thought of a list of questions for her before I fell asleep.
She was waiting for me this time, facing the door with a smile. “Hey, Belle. How was your first full day?” “Pretty good.”
I told her about Mr. James, and learning to write what I felt, and almost everything else but Aven.I didn’t want to talk about Aven. He was too personal.
She listened closely, nodding and speaking at the right moments. “That’s wonderful. Now, do you have anything in particular you want to talk about today?” “Yeah, actually I do.”
I took a deep breath before asking my first question. It was the easiest one, but important to me. “I turn eighteen in two months. I know I can get out then. Is there any way I’ll be out before that? No one has given me a straight answer, and I just want to know....”
Raz appeared to be thinking for a bit, counting off days on her thin fingers. Finally she sighed and leaned forward. “I don’t think so, Belle. A month is generally the minimum amount of time people spend in here. You’ll probably be finished anyway by the time your birthday comes around.”
“Fuck,” I muttered, covering my face with my hands. I regained myself and looked up at her. “You can’t, um, bring my family in unless I ask you to, right?”
“Why do you hate your family so much, Belle? Give me the real reason.” “Um, can that wait for later? I just...I don’t think I’m ready to answer that quite yet.” She didn’t push.
“I understand. And no, we can’t bring your family here unless you give us permission.” “Good.”
My final question was the hardest to ask. I don’t like asking for help, admitting to weakness.
Even as a kid I took my first steps alone, learned to read without help, bandaged my own bumps and bruises. “Raz, uh. I want to know if, if, I can go on pills. For the anxiety.”
When she didn’t answer right away I started babbling, worried she would think all I wanted was drugs. “It’s just that, I can’t control it, and I have panic attacks, and I never want something like that breakdown again, I don’t need too much, just a small prescription, Vicky can give them to me, I won’t argue. I can’t force the anxiety away, and I just want a little help...”
Raz moved like she wanted to hug me, but she stopped herself. I assume therapists aren’t allowed to touch their patients for legal reasons. “Belle, Belle! Calm down.” I did, slowing my breathing enough that a minor panic attack wouldn’t happen.
“Of course you can go on anxiety pills. As a matter of fact, I was going to suggest them for you soon. It’s really quite a big step that you asked for them on your own. Not many people can do that. I’ll have one of the doctors draw up a prescription for you, and you’ll have them by tomorrow. We’ll start with a really small dosage, and if that’s not quite enough we’ll hire it.”
I relaxed and thanked her. “The pills...I won’t get addicted, right?” She shook her head. “We’re very cautious here to use only medication without addictive side effects.” “Okay.”
Raz checked her watch. “Jeez. There’s only fifteen minutes left. Time does fly when you’re talking about medicine.” She grinned at me, and I giggled.
“Tomorrow, during breakfast, Victoria will bring in your pills. We’ll start you off with just one per day, and it’ll probably remain like that. You can swallow them down with your juice, or we can have them crushed and added to your food if you’re unable to do that.”
“No, I should be fine. I’ve taken Advil and sleeping pills and stuff.” “Alright then.” We chatted until the bell rang and I left for exercise.
She was waiting for me this time, facing the door with a smile. “Hey, Belle. How was your first full day?” “Pretty good.”
I told her about Mr. James, and learning to write what I felt, and almost everything else but Aven.I didn’t want to talk about Aven. He was too personal.
She listened closely, nodding and speaking at the right moments. “That’s wonderful. Now, do you have anything in particular you want to talk about today?” “Yeah, actually I do.”
I took a deep breath before asking my first question. It was the easiest one, but important to me. “I turn eighteen in two months. I know I can get out then. Is there any way I’ll be out before that? No one has given me a straight answer, and I just want to know....”
Raz appeared to be thinking for a bit, counting off days on her thin fingers. Finally she sighed and leaned forward. “I don’t think so, Belle. A month is generally the minimum amount of time people spend in here. You’ll probably be finished anyway by the time your birthday comes around.”
“Fuck,” I muttered, covering my face with my hands. I regained myself and looked up at her. “You can’t, um, bring my family in unless I ask you to, right?”
“Why do you hate your family so much, Belle? Give me the real reason.” “Um, can that wait for later? I just...I don’t think I’m ready to answer that quite yet.” She didn’t push.
“I understand. And no, we can’t bring your family here unless you give us permission.” “Good.”
My final question was the hardest to ask. I don’t like asking for help, admitting to weakness.
Even as a kid I took my first steps alone, learned to read without help, bandaged my own bumps and bruises. “Raz, uh. I want to know if, if, I can go on pills. For the anxiety.”
When she didn’t answer right away I started babbling, worried she would think all I wanted was drugs. “It’s just that, I can’t control it, and I have panic attacks, and I never want something like that breakdown again, I don’t need too much, just a small prescription, Vicky can give them to me, I won’t argue. I can’t force the anxiety away, and I just want a little help...”
Raz moved like she wanted to hug me, but she stopped herself. I assume therapists aren’t allowed to touch their patients for legal reasons. “Belle, Belle! Calm down.” I did, slowing my breathing enough that a minor panic attack wouldn’t happen.
“Of course you can go on anxiety pills. As a matter of fact, I was going to suggest them for you soon. It’s really quite a big step that you asked for them on your own. Not many people can do that. I’ll have one of the doctors draw up a prescription for you, and you’ll have them by tomorrow. We’ll start with a really small dosage, and if that’s not quite enough we’ll hire it.”
I relaxed and thanked her. “The pills...I won’t get addicted, right?” She shook her head. “We’re very cautious here to use only medication without addictive side effects.” “Okay.”
Raz checked her watch. “Jeez. There’s only fifteen minutes left. Time does fly when you’re talking about medicine.” She grinned at me, and I giggled.
“Tomorrow, during breakfast, Victoria will bring in your pills. We’ll start you off with just one per day, and it’ll probably remain like that. You can swallow them down with your juice, or we can have them crushed and added to your food if you’re unable to do that.”
“No, I should be fine. I’ve taken Advil and sleeping pills and stuff.” “Alright then.” We chatted until the bell rang and I left for exercise.