Status: Finished
Imperfect
Panic Attack
I couldn’t sleep, though. Alone in the dark, my anxiety only got worse, climbing until a panic attack was inevitable. My breath was caught in my throat, making a weird raspy noise as I gasped for air.
I felt like the world was ending, my body flashing hot and cold as I shook. I rolled from the bed to the floor, not even noticing the pain. I curled up on my knees, my hands clutching desperately at my throat, fluttering across my chest.
Tears ran down my face and my eyes couldn’t work right, making the room spotty and even scarier. I was three minutes into it when Vicky ran in, flipping the light on and calling for help. She knelt by me, fingers skittering across my back.
“Belle. Belle. Breathe for me. Breathe. “I tried to, tried to hold on to her voice for safety. It wasn’t enough though. The world was fading in and out, making my panic worse. I was sure I was going to die.
Two more people ran in the room, a medic and Raz. When she bent over me I saw a glint of gold on her wrist, the color of Aven’s eyes. His eyes. Calm eyes.
I held on to that with everything I had, anchoring myself to the thought. My breathing slowed gradually, until I wasn’t gulping for breath.
My heart was still pounding and I shook, letting the tears flow, but once I can breathe I know the attack will end, I can regain myself. They all stood back as I forced myself up to lean against my bed, pulling my knees close.
My whole body was covered in sweat, hair damp and stuck to my face. I felt cold now, the shivering not just from fear.
I closed my eyes and counted until my heart settled into a more normal rhythm. My palms were bleeding from how deeply I pushed my nails in, not even noticing the pain during my attack.
I looked up at Vicky, who stood in front of me. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I was crying again, ashamed of myself. She sat in front of me and reached for my hand, which I let her take.
It made me feel better to have someone touch me. “Belle, it’s okay. No one’s mad at you. You’re not in trouble.” “But, but now I’ll be stuck in here even longer!”
I sobbed, and Vicky sighed. “No, you won’t. The pills will help you with the panic attacks. I promise.” Raz bent over too, looked me in the eyes. “I need you to calm down for me, Belle. Can you do that?”
I did, forcing the tears to stop. “We can talk about this now, or tomorrow during your personal session. I just have some questions.”“I, I can do it now.” I said.
“What set off the attack, Belle? Do you know?” I nodded. “Today was a bad day. I couldn’t do the right thing in design, and Mel-Melanie, she pushed me, she hates me, and I’m scared of her. And I didn’t eat a lot, cause I was nervous, and I couldn’t think right, and there were too many noises, and I was so worried, and I don’t want my family to erase me. I don-don’t want to be forgotten.”
Raz rested her hand on my head. “I promise you, Melanie will be dealt with. She won’t get to you. You need to eat, Belle, especially if hunger causes things like this to happen. We won’t let you be erased, Belle. Your brother and sister have made sure of that.”
I shook my head at the mention of their names, so Raz stopped talking. “I think you’ll be okay now. Do you want to take a shower, or just clean yourself up?” “I’ll take a shower.”
Raz nodded, patted my head one last time, and left the room with the medic. Vicky still held my hand. “Alright, let’s get moving then,” she said cheerfully, letting go of my hand and helping me up.
I changed out of my sweat soaked clothes and pulled a towel around myself before I stepped out to see Vicky. “Uh, Vicky?” She smiled over at me. “Yes?”
“Is it okay, if, uh, you sit in the bathroom while I shower? I just, um, I don’t want to be alone.” Her face softened and she nodded. “Just start the shower, get in, and call me over.”
I did that, and it was easier to shower when she talked to me, made sure I was calm. Then I changed into new pajamas and tried to fall asleep again. I managed to, because Vicky sat on a chair in my room, and I felt safe. My dreams were easy.
I felt like the world was ending, my body flashing hot and cold as I shook. I rolled from the bed to the floor, not even noticing the pain. I curled up on my knees, my hands clutching desperately at my throat, fluttering across my chest.
Tears ran down my face and my eyes couldn’t work right, making the room spotty and even scarier. I was three minutes into it when Vicky ran in, flipping the light on and calling for help. She knelt by me, fingers skittering across my back.
“Belle. Belle. Breathe for me. Breathe. “I tried to, tried to hold on to her voice for safety. It wasn’t enough though. The world was fading in and out, making my panic worse. I was sure I was going to die.
Two more people ran in the room, a medic and Raz. When she bent over me I saw a glint of gold on her wrist, the color of Aven’s eyes. His eyes. Calm eyes.
I held on to that with everything I had, anchoring myself to the thought. My breathing slowed gradually, until I wasn’t gulping for breath.
My heart was still pounding and I shook, letting the tears flow, but once I can breathe I know the attack will end, I can regain myself. They all stood back as I forced myself up to lean against my bed, pulling my knees close.
My whole body was covered in sweat, hair damp and stuck to my face. I felt cold now, the shivering not just from fear.
I closed my eyes and counted until my heart settled into a more normal rhythm. My palms were bleeding from how deeply I pushed my nails in, not even noticing the pain during my attack.
I looked up at Vicky, who stood in front of me. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I was crying again, ashamed of myself. She sat in front of me and reached for my hand, which I let her take.
It made me feel better to have someone touch me. “Belle, it’s okay. No one’s mad at you. You’re not in trouble.” “But, but now I’ll be stuck in here even longer!”
I sobbed, and Vicky sighed. “No, you won’t. The pills will help you with the panic attacks. I promise.” Raz bent over too, looked me in the eyes. “I need you to calm down for me, Belle. Can you do that?”
I did, forcing the tears to stop. “We can talk about this now, or tomorrow during your personal session. I just have some questions.”“I, I can do it now.” I said.
“What set off the attack, Belle? Do you know?” I nodded. “Today was a bad day. I couldn’t do the right thing in design, and Mel-Melanie, she pushed me, she hates me, and I’m scared of her. And I didn’t eat a lot, cause I was nervous, and I couldn’t think right, and there were too many noises, and I was so worried, and I don’t want my family to erase me. I don-don’t want to be forgotten.”
Raz rested her hand on my head. “I promise you, Melanie will be dealt with. She won’t get to you. You need to eat, Belle, especially if hunger causes things like this to happen. We won’t let you be erased, Belle. Your brother and sister have made sure of that.”
I shook my head at the mention of their names, so Raz stopped talking. “I think you’ll be okay now. Do you want to take a shower, or just clean yourself up?” “I’ll take a shower.”
Raz nodded, patted my head one last time, and left the room with the medic. Vicky still held my hand. “Alright, let’s get moving then,” she said cheerfully, letting go of my hand and helping me up.
I changed out of my sweat soaked clothes and pulled a towel around myself before I stepped out to see Vicky. “Uh, Vicky?” She smiled over at me. “Yes?”
“Is it okay, if, uh, you sit in the bathroom while I shower? I just, um, I don’t want to be alone.” Her face softened and she nodded. “Just start the shower, get in, and call me over.”
I did that, and it was easier to shower when she talked to me, made sure I was calm. Then I changed into new pajamas and tried to fall asleep again. I managed to, because Vicky sat on a chair in my room, and I felt safe. My dreams were easy.