Imperfect

The counselor was a cheery older woman with happy eyes. She sort of made me wonder what it would be like to have normal grandparents. When I was little, I thought grandparents were supposed to scare me and smell like old fish.
“Hey everybody. As some of you already know, my name is Ms. Triss and I’m your group leader. “ It interested me that the hospital seemed to avoid any mention of words like ‘therapy’ or ‘counselor’. She interrupted my thoughts by asking me a question.
I snapped back into reality. “Excuse me?” “Your name please, dear, and something about yourself.” “My name is Belle, and, um....” I couldn’t think of anything to say about myself. I’m not a very interesting person. “I like design.” The group nodded politely and began.
The therapy was a simple process really. I actually felt like a little kid playing a game. We passed a ball around the circle, and whoever got the ball had to say the reason they were here and what they planned to do about it.
Most of them were cutters who planned to just ‘stop cutting’. I could tell they were lying though. According to what I’ve read, it can be just as addictive as drugs. I really only paid attention to my friends anyway.
Walt caught the ball first, giving us a cocky smile before he spoke. “I’m here for being a cutter, and I plan to help myself by slowly weaning myself off.” He grinned at the group. “I haven’t cut in a week.” We applauded and he tossed the ball to a small kid named Jamie, who then gave it to Crystal.
“I’m here for trying to kill myself and being a pyro. I plan to take pills and stay away from fire.” She stared at the floor like she wanted it to freeze under her gaze. The pyro comment interested me. Maybe I’m just being stupid, but it was almost as if Crystal wanted fire to thaw her ice.
The tension between us all lessened when Bryan made us laugh again. “I came here because I used to hit people. I plan not to anymore.” After that it was easier, with the occasional joke thrown in.
Aven got the ball, and I leaned forward without thinking. I really wanted to know why he was willingly here. “I’m here for a bunch of reasons, but mostly too many drugs, too much alcohol, a fucked up way of life, and....” He passed dramatically, “Too many ladies wanting this hot body.”
Aven threw an arm around my shoulder, letting a hand brush my collarbone. Just the touch of his skin made me shiver with both fear and, well, desire. Desire because that’s pretty obvious. Even emaciated and slightly unbalanced, Aven still had that rockstar appeal.
Fear because I didn’t like the way I was feeling. I planned to get in, survive, then get out. There wasn’t room for love to trap me. Aven left his arm over me and continued. “I plan to stay away from drugs and booze, party only occasionally, maybe live a bit less fucked up, and, well, I’m not gonna be pushing the ladies away.”
We laughed and Aven passed the ball to me. “I’m here because I was tricked and forced, and I plan to get out as quickly as possible,” I seethed. There was an awkward silence and Ms. Triss said, “That’s not a reason dear. Please, open up. No one will judge you.”
I wasn’t afraid of being judged as much as I feared everyone knowing how boring I am. “Well, I kept having panic attacks and my mother,” I clenched my fists, biting my teeth until it stung. “My mother decided to get rid of me so she could keep my perfect-” I forced myself to stop before I let anything really big slip.
Angrily, I threw the ball at a random boy who somehow managed to catch it. Only two more people had to go and finally we were set free. Aven kept his arm around my shoulder, but I didn’t shrug it off. “Night Belle,” he said to me as we separated into the girl/boy dorms. “Goodnight.”
Aven grinned and waved as I walked away. The room was dark and cold. I missed the comforting hum of my house, the silver glow from my lamp, the snoring and tossing of my siblings when they were both home...But I hardened my heart against that and tried to sleep. It was a very long first night.