Fix a Heart, My Heart

After a few hours of sipping on some hot coco,and, being wrapped up in blankets while watching some pretty little liars. My Mother had walked into the room carrying some groceries into the kitchen which was in the next room over.

Selena gave me that -you-better-do-what-you-promised- glare at me.

I sighed gently set my steaming hot coco onto the small table, gently kicked my blanket off,and, headed towards the kitchen being nervous in each and every step I took.

I leaned against the wall that was between the open door.

My mom then looked up at me from her bags as she was starting to put the eggs,and,milk into the refrigator.

"Yes, Demi?" She asked focusing her eyes on to me. Giving me that sincere concern look she always gave me when she knew in her heart something was either wrong or something was on my mind that I needed to talk about with her.

She wasn't one of those lame mom's. She was kind of cool. Very easy to communicate with,and, doesn't easily snap at you or judge you.

However out of all the many topic's we have had in the past, they were never nothing about this serious,because, before age 11 hit I was one of those kids who thought people who done self harm were idiots...well..looks like I'm one of those idiots now.

"Yeah..There's...um..Something I need to discuss with you,and, I don't know how well you would take it....because its not easy for me either..." I began trying to catch my breath,which, always shortens when I get nervous or scared in this case I was both.

"hmm...why you say that? What it about?" She said still focusing her eyes on me with her hands on her hips waiting patiently to blurt what ever was running through my head at the time to come out of my big mouth.

"Because...even Selena know,and, she is very upset with me...I'm tired of hiding it.......I'm tired of keeping it a secret....So, I came to this conclusion on telling you...right now..no back out...no ands,ifs, or buts....." I said still speaking slowly and not gaining any encouragement in any word or in any moment.

Maybe because even though I was being strong enough to seek help I knew at the same time how many people were going to hate me, be disgusted , critizie me, laugh at me, point at me, joke at me. use it against me in the future.

I knew as soon as I said it..I was going to regret it because even though I was going to tell I knew even if I stopped being a cutter then it can still have effect on my future big time. Thats what feared me the most. Thats what terrified me....to say the next words that came out of my mouth...

"Mom...I've been cutting since age 11......." it all of a sudden just came out of my mouth just like that...

and thats where my new future began...