I Don't Love You

“You ready?” Taylor asked, sitting me in front of her huge table of make-up. I nodded and waited to be turned into a Barbie doll.

I zoned out as she did my wedding make-up and thought of Joey. I didn’t understand why I was thinking of Joey when later I’d be telling Justin “I do”, but he wouldn’t get out of my head. I remembered him always being by my side and walking me to class or waiting for me outside my class to give me a kiss before he went to his own class. He was a gentleman.

I knew Justin back in high school too, but he was just a friend… When Joey and I had broken up in college, Justin was my rebound. I never thought it would lead to anything, but he wooed me… He bought me things and he bought my affection really.

I think he really loves me… Do I love him back though? What if this marriage is a big mistake?

“And you are done,” Taylor told me. I realized I had been thinking way too much into that and shook my head. I love Justin… Right?

“Thanks, Tay. I look great.” I faked a smile to her and she grinned in response.

“Time to get your hair done now.” She started straightening my hair and I started thinking again.

If I don’t love Justin, marrying him is wrong. But I do love him, don’t I? Or do I love him buying me things?

I miss Joey.

I almost shook my head at that thought, but the heat of the flat iron told me it was a bad idea. Why was I getting married to someone I don’t love? Why am I being stupid about this??

Half an hour later of thoughts like that, Taylor was finished with my hair and we were getting my dress on. My other bridesmaids were in here now and we were all getting prepared. I couldn’t stop thinking of Joey.

“Okay,” Mom said when we were in the backroom in the church. Joey still lives with his mom, doesn’t he? He wanted to stay by her since she was sick when we were in college… I’ll bet he still lives there… “Caitlyn!”

I looked up at my mom, wide-eyed. “Huh?”

“Goodness, we’ve almost started. Snap out of it.”

I nodded and grabbed my bouquet. “Sorry, just excited,” I lied. She nodded.

Everything else was done and now it was time for the flower girl - my niece - to go out. My dad was by my side and we were waiting for our cue. “You know, I’m glad you’re happy,” He told me, quietly. “As long as you’re happy, I’m happy, Caitlyn. Have a nice life with Justin. He’s a good boy.” He pecked the top of my head just as the song started.

We walked out, at a slow pace, and I was nervous now. Was I happy? If I wasn’t happy, was my daddy not happy? But he doesn’t know I’m not happy with Justin and that I want to go back to Joey. I don’t want Joey back!

Justin grinned at me when I stood beside him. “You look beautiful,” He murmured, happily. He’s happy about this, why can’t I be?

“You look just as handsome,” I replied. He took my hand and the priest started talking. I bit my lip throughout the ceremony. Why am I doing this? Who is this pleasing? Other than Mom and Justin, this isn’t having effect on anyone else. I’m not happy with Justin… I was happy with Joey. Joey made me happy.

“…Do you part?” When Justin didn’t say I do I realized it was my turn. Justin looked nervous.

I looked into his blue eyes and was saddened that they weren’t Joey’s brown. I recognized that my head shook, slightly. “I can’t,” I whispered. “Justin…I can’t marry you. I just…I don’t love you, like I loved you yesterday.” I took my hands from his and heard the shock from the audience as they realized what was going on.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and left Justin’s side to walk back down the isle. I walked from the church and started sprinting to Joey’s. No one could follow me and I needed to tell him now. I got to his door, breathless, and knocked on the familiar wood.

He answered not long after, looking shocked. “Caitlyn?” I didn’t say anything, but wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him to me to kiss him with everything in me. He didn’t respond at first, but then he kissed back. When we pulled away, we were gasping for air and he looked confused again. “Would you like to explain why you’re here in a wedding dress and why you kissed me after three years?”

I shook my head. “I just want to say, I love you.”

He offered for me to come inside and said he had some clothes I could borrow before I was to tell him what all happened. I agreed, happy he was letting me back into his life - not that he really said I wasn’t ever allowed in his life.

I was happy now, I thought with a smile. A short amount of time with Joey and I’m happy.

I love him.