Thin

Forgetting about Oliver was becoming easier and easier by the day. I got a job at the local coffee shop, just a block away from Bryce's flat. I needed something to occupy myself while Bryce was away. I knew I would go mental sitting in a flat all day, by myself, with just my thoughts.

Even though I worked around pastries and coffee, the job kept me from eating because I was always busy. The place was literally always packed twenty four seven. I didn't even have small snacks any more. No food whatsoever.

I stopped keeping track of how much I weighed. I've lost track about two weeks ago, when I left Oli. I would simply analyze my body and keep starving until I was how I wanted to look. If I felt I needed to lose more, I would increase my exercise time. I even ran a mile in the mornings and after work, and then do my workouts.

I knew I was getting weaker by the day. There was no doubt about that. I was so close to my goal, though, that it didn't even matter at this point. Bryce didn't suspect I had an eating disorder, which made things easier. If he ever found out, though, I knew shit would go down.

Oli called Bryce at least twice a day, but Bryce refused to let him talk to me, like I requested. He didn't even tell me when Oli called any more, but I can always tell when he did. I didn't care, though. I knew I would never get over Oli, but talking to him would make this harder. I knew if he asked me, I would go back to him in a heartbeat. I knew I would go back to being his puppet, to doing what I didn't want to do. I wasn't going to torture myself like that again and ruin all my hard work.

Bryce didn't know the real story of why I left Oli. I told him Oli cheated on me. I also told him not to mention it to Oli because I "didn't want Oli to feel worse." I really just didn't want him to say anything so Oli wouldn't confess the truth. I'm surprised he hasn't already.

"Ally, are yeh alright? Yeh look realleh pale and sick." Jessie, my co-worker, and new best friend, gave me a worried look as she made the current customer their order.

"Perfectleh fine." I smiled as I took the order form her, ready to hand it over to the customer. I turned, but before I could hand it over, a huge rush of dizziness came over me and I dropped the coffee. I grabbed my head and leaned over, against the counter, as I closed my eyes.

"Ally, what's wrong? Yeh alright?" Jessie panicked as she placed a hand on my shoulder. Before I could respond, I felt myself falling, then pain all throughout my body as I hit the floor.

"Ally? Someone call an ambulance!" I couldn't open my eyes. The noise around me faded fast.

---

I woke up to the sound of Bryce yelling.. I figured he was on his phone because I couldn't hear anyone respond. I already knew I was in the hospital. I remembered Jessie yelling for an ambulance right before I passed out.

"Look, yeh just need teh get down here. She won't wake up. They said she could die." I tried to open my eyes, but I was too weak and tired. I couldn't move my hands or my head or my feet. It was like I was paralyzed.

I listened as Bryce pulled up a chair beside the bed I was lying in and started talking to me about our rare childhood memories. At different parts in the stories, I wanted to laugh, but my body wouldn't let me. I finally realized I pushed myself too hard.

After a while, I heard other voices in the room. I recognized all of them. Jona, Nicholls, Kean, even Tom. I felt someone take my hand in theirs and hold it tight as another hand smoothed my hair back repeatedly.

"Ally, can yeh hear meh? It's Oli." He sounded as though he had been crying. I, so badly, wanted to say something, or even move, but I just couldn't.

"I love yeh, yeh hear meh?" He continued, "I always have. Don't yeh dare fuckin' leave meh like this, Allison. Yeh know damn well I need yeh. I need yeh here with meh. Fight for meh so yeh can come home, back teh meh. I miss yeh so damn much. We all do. Please, Ally, open yeh eyes, say somethin'. Just don't leave meh yet." I tried my hardest to say something, to make a noise. I tried to open my eyes. I felt him press his lips against my fingers as he continued to hold my hand.

Right then, reality hit me hard. I was incredibly wrong about everything. I needed to stop thinking about myself the way I do. If Oli liked how I looked, so should I. I should be happy, not worried about being thin. I needed to see what Oli sees. I needed to finally take charge and fix this whole mess, not encourage what I caused.

I didn't want to leave things how they were. I loved Oli and the guys, including Bryce, too much. I didn't want them to remember me as someone mental who was more involved with getting thin than being happy.

Thin. That word ruined my life. It consumed my thoughts day and night and blinded me from what was truly important; My friends, Bryce, actually living life, having a happy future with Oli.

I knew I could do it. I could over come this disorder. I didn't want to die, not this young, not yet. I haven't had a chance to really experience life. I've acted so selfish my whole life since the first day I stopped eating. My whole life, all I've cared about was being thin and it needed to stop. I needed to stop using the past as a excuse for my present. I wanted to let the past go and move on into the future without anything to hold me back. The past is the past and I would keep it that way from now on.

I needed to pull through and show everyone, especially Oli, that being thin is not what I want to care about any more. I needed to show the guys that I am no longer this broke, fragile girl who obsesses over the past and uses it as an excuse to starve herself. I want to show them that I can let everything go and be happy for once. I needed to show Oli how much I loved him, that he meant the world to me. He is what I should be living for, not thriving to be thin and almost dying.

With all the strength I had in me, I forced my eyes open. A small smile made its way onto my face as I looked at Oli. I squeezed his hand the best I could, causing his head to snap up from being rested on the bed. I had never seen a bigger smile on his face.

"I'm not goin' aneh where aneh more. Not without yeh."