Out on the Edge
Two
She spent many sleepless nights trying to figure out exactly when things started to go downhill. She couldn't really recall the exact moment, but she knew it had been that dreadful summer. The summer of 2009. The summer that changed everything. She was fifteen years old at the time. A little girl with a lot to learn. She hadn't known pain back then, hadn't experienced the feeling of being empty, of feeling absolutely nothing and everything all at the same time. She hadn't known. She was oblivious to the rough road that lay ahead.
She used to be a "good kid." That's how her parents would describe her to the rest of the world. "Oh yes, our daughter is such a good kid. We got so lucky." She was every parents dream come true: respectful, conscientious, caring. She worried about her grades. She always tried her best. She was everything they could ever ask for, or at least that's what she thought. But she was wrong.
She had been laying in her bed, reading a novel she could no longer recall the title of. Her mom had walked in with that we-need-to-talk face she was always so fond of. She sat down at the end of her bed and right then she knew what her mom was going to say before the words ever left her lips.
Later that night, she googled "divorce statistics." Apparently, this happened to a lot of kids.
But not her. She was happy. Her parents were happy. Everything was okay.
No. Everything would never be okay again.
Her dad moved out that summer, leaving her behind. Her father. Her knight in shining armor. Her protector from everything evil had left her behind. And she would never be able to understand.
But that wasn't the worst of the news.
They found out after several trips to the doctor's office that all that drinking her dad had been doing in light of the recent divorce had really done some damage to his liver. Cancer, they had called it. And they had given him 2 months to live. He didn't even make it that long.
He had left her for good this time. He left her to fend for herself in a tank full of sharks. She just wasn't strong enough to make it on her own. Maybe she had gone crazy, maybe they were right after all. He was the one thing she knew she could always count on. She loved her mother, but she was daddy's little girl. And now daddy was gone and she was lost.
She laid in bed for weeks. She didn't talk, didn't move, and she only ate enough to sustain her life. She had been locked away inside her mind. Somewhere deep down inside where all the loneliness and the pain couldn't find her. Where no one could find her. She was too scared to come out again.
Eventually, she talked again, walked again, and sometimes even cracked a smile. For a while, people thought maybe she was going to be okay. They thought she had went through the stages of grief and she had finally returned home again. But they were so wrong.
She started skipping a lot of school. Her grades plummeted. She didn't even bother to make excuses. She was rude. She never talked to anyone, but when she did, it was to add a smart aleck comment to the conversation. Their "good kid" was gone and in her place was a girl no one recognized. They were scared of her, scared she was losing her mind. Her mother tried her best to help, but she was in her own stages of her grieving.
She cut herself off from the rest of the world and the world did the same in return.
Now here she sits. Pondering life or death. Staring into the nothingness that is below. The nothingness that so resembles her heart these days. The nothingness that she feels inside her. Was life really worth all of this?
She used to be a "good kid." That's how her parents would describe her to the rest of the world. "Oh yes, our daughter is such a good kid. We got so lucky." She was every parents dream come true: respectful, conscientious, caring. She worried about her grades. She always tried her best. She was everything they could ever ask for, or at least that's what she thought. But she was wrong.
She had been laying in her bed, reading a novel she could no longer recall the title of. Her mom had walked in with that we-need-to-talk face she was always so fond of. She sat down at the end of her bed and right then she knew what her mom was going to say before the words ever left her lips.
Later that night, she googled "divorce statistics." Apparently, this happened to a lot of kids.
But not her. She was happy. Her parents were happy. Everything was okay.
No. Everything would never be okay again.
Her dad moved out that summer, leaving her behind. Her father. Her knight in shining armor. Her protector from everything evil had left her behind. And she would never be able to understand.
But that wasn't the worst of the news.
They found out after several trips to the doctor's office that all that drinking her dad had been doing in light of the recent divorce had really done some damage to his liver. Cancer, they had called it. And they had given him 2 months to live. He didn't even make it that long.
He had left her for good this time. He left her to fend for herself in a tank full of sharks. She just wasn't strong enough to make it on her own. Maybe she had gone crazy, maybe they were right after all. He was the one thing she knew she could always count on. She loved her mother, but she was daddy's little girl. And now daddy was gone and she was lost.
She laid in bed for weeks. She didn't talk, didn't move, and she only ate enough to sustain her life. She had been locked away inside her mind. Somewhere deep down inside where all the loneliness and the pain couldn't find her. Where no one could find her. She was too scared to come out again.
Eventually, she talked again, walked again, and sometimes even cracked a smile. For a while, people thought maybe she was going to be okay. They thought she had went through the stages of grief and she had finally returned home again. But they were so wrong.
She started skipping a lot of school. Her grades plummeted. She didn't even bother to make excuses. She was rude. She never talked to anyone, but when she did, it was to add a smart aleck comment to the conversation. Their "good kid" was gone and in her place was a girl no one recognized. They were scared of her, scared she was losing her mind. Her mother tried her best to help, but she was in her own stages of her grieving.
She cut herself off from the rest of the world and the world did the same in return.
Now here she sits. Pondering life or death. Staring into the nothingness that is below. The nothingness that so resembles her heart these days. The nothingness that she feels inside her. Was life really worth all of this?