Time

The following days after meeting her were gone in the blink of an eye. Early mornings swimming in the crystal clear sea, and late nights running through alleys we’d been warned about. The sun rose too slowly, and the day went by too fast. The time she treasured dearly passed us by. It would be a lie to say I wasn’t happy then, despite my past. I looked forward to every day, and the thoughts that relished tantalizing me had subsided. She helped soothe the pain. With her laughter and freedom and joy and curiosity, I never wanted to let that feeling go. All I wanted was for time to stop during that summer, to never go to school again, or to worry about anything at all.

When she was around I took no notice of anyone, but her. There were moments that I forgot completely that this town wasn’t deserted and that there were people everywhere. People that whispered behind my back and looked at me with eyes filled with pity, hatred, shame, maybe even disgust. I wanted time to stop that summer to never have to hear the whispers of the parents around me. To never have to worry about permission forms handed out from reluctant teachers. To never have to pretend to take no notice of my school mates avoiding the subject of parents around me. That summer, time was really mine.

Now all I wanted was for time to speed up. To rush pass me like it did so long ago. To let me forget how her dark brown hair that drifted with the wind and alway had a faint smell of strawberries. To forget the way her laughter would fill you up and once she started laughing, it was hard for her to stop. To let me stop remembering the way her egg shaped beauty mark under her nose revealed itself every time she scrunched her nose in distaste.

In this town I’ve grown to hate, I realized how complicated things really were. The resistance and unwillingness to change drove me to the point of madness. The scent of her everywhere my eyes laid upon was intact. The way everyone continued on with their lives as if nothing had happened. The hospital that did nothing but add salt to the wound that just kept on bleeding. Useless, tossed aside but left as a monument of someone else’s misfortune. I wanted to forget that summer and all its memories. The summer where time stopped and the clock kept ticking. Mocking my hope to forget the girl who stopped time.

She snaked her way into the deepest and darkest spots of our lives. She knew more about all of us than we did ourselves. She only had to say a few words and our best kept secrets would be come afloat. Not having to struggle with our lives by ourselves made her presence surreal. Because with her around, we weren’t lonely anymore. I guess today, looking back, we never really understood what it was like to have someone accompany you those starless nights, when your own thoughts swallowed you whole and all you could do is bear for it a little longer. Wishing, hoping, praying the night would end, the sun would rise and all those thoughts would be hidden away in the darkness once again. Leaving you again for the day, before the sun would set.

Happiness to the point your cheeks ached from involuntarily smiling was simply so new. It was all new to us. The loving and caring families we all saw on television were just an illusion Hollywood had created. From our earliest memory, parents were never home, birthdays were forgotten and the holidays were spent on either working or studying. We were alone from the day we appeared, left to gain independence. And with independence, loneliness came. It simply arrived, unpacked and settled inside. One day you wake up and you’re catch yourself thinking of what before looked so trivial. You realize how spacious your bed actually is. Space you start to fill with more pillows, more stuffed animals, more something. Anything to reduce that empty space. And you start to think. You think of what it would feel to have someone sleeping with you. Not necessarily having physical contact, but the thought of someone by your side starts to look comforting. Longing for something you don’t understand starts to become unbearable.

The question had struck me multiple times. Had she felt that way before? Had she woken up one morning, afraid to get out of bed? Unable to open her eyes, to keep sleeping for a minute longer before the dreaded unavoidable would drag her out? It was hard to imagine, with the way she held herself. How she had walked in our lives, colouring them with vivid colours and unsuppressed giggles.

From the beginning, with her around it was impossible to tell what was to come. It had been a late night, a small breeze gracing over the town. She had evoked a meeting at the top of the place we had met her for the first time. It had only been after we had all arrived that we realized one of us was missing. It couldn’t be because she was late, because Allie was the one who lived closest to the hill.

“Where’s Allie?” John had asked. It doesn’t surprise me he was the first one out of the picture after that day. Allie had gotten the short end of the stick, after all. He had had a crush on Allie since the beginning of the school year that summer. He had confessed so to me a couple months in from meeting her for the first time.

“We’re going to visit her,” Kali had spoken, a smirk slowly making its way to her thin lips. It was the first time we’d seen her do that. I worried and wondered if her true face was finally showing. Throughout the whole summer I was skeptical of her prompt need to satisfy our every whim, and the undeniable need to be with us. I wondered if she was in fact using us, satisfying her need to always do something adventurous and dangerous. Growing up in this town, nothing came for free. She had been proof.