I Myself Am Strange and Unusual

"Oh my god, her car is in the driveway." I groaned, rubbing my face.

Audrey giggled behind me, "well, mister big-man-on-campus, time to go face your demons."

"What do I say?" I whispered as we approached the door.

"Tell her to suck a huge dick and get over it."

My eyes shot to hers, "what!"

She giggled and opened the door. "Honey, I'm home!" She yelled throughout the house.

I rolled my eyes, pushing her lightly. "Shut up!"

"Lee!" Sarah's voice screeched. "Lee Malia!" I froze in place watching the tall woman stomp into the room. "What is wrong wiff yeh? I was in the middle of a fuckin' photo shoot and yeh bitched at meh. I told the producer I had to leave to see if the fuckin' 'ouse was burning down! What the hell is the mattah wiff yeh!"

"Nuffin', I just-"

"Yeh just what, huh? Yeh've been actin' so weird lately and I don't like it! Where is the Lee that would listen to me? Where is he?"

"He left when he realized yeh bitch too much," I rolled my eyes, partially wondering where that confidence came from.

"See? That's just what I'm talkin' about! Yeh have a hot model wiff a successful career as yeh girlfrien'. I gave yeh anyfing yeh have evah wanted. I even have sex wiff yeh. All I want is yeh to pay meh bills and buy me stuff. I don't see what's the problem here."

"The problem," I said stepping closer to her, "is that yeh don't even care about me. Yeh use me"

"I use yeh? Huh, that's not what yeh said when-"

"Shut up!"

"What?" She hissed. "Yeh don't want yeh sistah hearin' about when we fuck, huh? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck. I fuck him!" She yelled towards Audrey. "And he likes it!"

I watched as her eyes narrowed. She bit her lip and crossed her arms over her chest as if she was trying to hold herself back from pouncing.

"And yeh know what else? I bet yeh onleh actin' this way 'cause yeh fuckin' sistah is here. As soon as we ship 'er off back to America wiff the rest o' yeh famileh, everyfing will be back to normal and when that happens, yeh have a lot of ass kissin' to do." She spat before slapping me across the face. "Fink about it!" Sarah yelled, storming out of the flat.

As soon as her car door slammed shut, Audrey busted out laughing. "What's so funny?" I pouted, rubbing my face.

"That was the most pathetic excuse for a human being I have ever seen."

"Yea, she does come across that way."

Audrey smiled lightly, reaching over and rubbing my sore cheek. "But she's gone now and it's just me and you so I think that's something to smile about."

I nodded, smiling back. "Will yeh nap wiff me?"

"Nope, I'm going to watch you nap like the creeper I am."

I rolled my eyes and reached over, throwing her over my shoulders. "Nope, yeh are napping wiff meh whether yeh like it or not."

She giggled as we plopped onto the bed in the bedroom. "So Mister Malia," she grinned, crawling over. "You want to nap, huh?"

"Yeah, that made me exhausted. Why?"

"Cause... you know..."

I raised my brow trying to figure out what the hell was going on in her head.

After I clearly didn't figure it out, she crawled over and kissed me sweetly on the lips. "I didn't like her talking about you like you're hers. You're not anymore. You're mine."

"Oh yea?" I chuckled.

"Mhmm," she mumbled before kissing me again.

"Who says?"

She kissed me a third time, nipping lightly at my lip. "Fuck me," she whispered.