Southern Cross
Chapter 2
"We got a helluva thing to tell Grandma, Josie. We ought to celebrate later", laughed Dallas as he pulled into the parking lot of the Shady Pines Retirement Community. It was a two-story tan building with Spanish tiles on the roof surrounded by neatly trimmed shrubbery, several of the residents sitting on the veranda enjoying the early autumn air while sitting on their rocking chairs.
Peggy Lindsay was standing on the porch, waving to them. She was a stout woman in her seventies with bright red dyed hair the color of flames and sharp green eyes, wearing a pale blue pantsuit and a pink baseball cap. The only thing that kept her from looking younger were the wrinkles around her eyes and mouth and her veiny, knarled hands whose fingernails were painted baby pink.
"Dallas, Josie, so glad to see you", she said, embracing Dallas and Josie.
"Hey, Grandma. You ready?", he asked as they walked towards his black pickup truck.
"You betcha, you know I never miss an A's game and watching it is better than on TV. Josie, how is school?", asked Peggy, reaching into her pocket for a pack of menthols and a lighter.
"School sucks, like usual, Miss Peggy. And the gym teacher says smoking is bad", she chided.
Peggy took a drag off her cigarette as she rolled down the window and exhaled, an amused look in her green eyes. "Josie, doctors are full of shit, at my age you stop worrying all the time. They're always trying to stop people from having fun, you ever seen a happy doctor?", she retorted, taking another drag.
"You're right, Grandma. Reckon everything that's fun is bad for you, if you do all the stuff the doctors say, you'll live to be a hundred but won't have any fun doing so", joked Dallas.
"Speaking of which, the doc said I was fine, reckon a smoke a day and a drink a day is all right", cackled Peggy.
"Miss Peggy, Dallas got an offer to play baseball in Australia", said Josie.
"Yeah, Grandma. I signed a contract to play with the Perth Heat in the Australian Baseball League, we're moving next month and Josie coming with me. Don't keel over on me", he joked.
"Dallas Lee Brady, that's great news. This is a real opportunity for you, I was worried about you at home all day drinking and watching TV, this is great news. You better call and send postcards", chided Peggy.
"I know, Grandma. Are you sure you don't want to come with us, the team is going to find us a place", said Dallas as he made the exit for I-880 going west.
"At my age, you don't want to travel, Dallas. Besides, what am I going to do in Australia, hunt kangaroos? But Josie, be on your best behavior for your father, you're representing the states", teased Peggy.
"I know, Miss Peggy. But I want to travel, it's boring here. I want to go to Ireland, we're 100% Irish", she said proudly.
"I know, it's better than being California trailer trash. And Josie, you better behave or else you'll come back as a roach, that's what Trevor said", he teased.
"That boy is too smart for his own good, why is playing baseball instead of being in college? I suppose by the time he retires he can own a college", laughed Peggy.
"Yeah, not many dudes with an IQ over 160 are in the majors", agreed Dallas.
They arrived at Oakland Coliseum half an hour later, the enormous concrete stadium surrounded by acres of parking spaces that were half-full for that night's game. Dallas parked the car and they joined the fans in A's green and gold headed into the stadium, some fans recognizing him and asking for autographs. They settled in their seats in the grandstand near the A's dugout as the visiting Texas Rangers were wrapping up their warmups.
"Be careful, Josie", said Dallas.
Josie got near the field and waved when she saw Texas pitcher and friend CJ Wilson in the outfield waiting to catch fly balls. "Hey CJ!", she yelled.
CJ heard her yell and turned around, smiling and waving to her as he walked over to the railing. "Hey, Josie. Your grandma's rooting against us tonight?", he joked.
"Yeah, she's a diehard A's fan, especially since Dallas played for them. Dallas got an offer to play in Australia and we're leaving in a month", she said.
"I know, I read it on Deadspin this morning, word gets around fast. Tell your dad congratulations and I'd go out with him for drinks if I wasn't straight-edge, but that's awesome news. Perth is gorgeous, Janet and I went there on vacation last year and it's like back home in Orange County, beaches and palm trees and everything. Trust me, you guys are going to like it", laughed CJ.
"Tell Janet I said hi", said Josie.
"I got a Lonely Planet guide to Australia I bought used at a yard sale, I'll send it to you. It could come in handy, but it's really big. You want it?", he asked.
"I know, Josie. Tell your dad I said hi and I got to go or else the coaches are going to make me run extra laps. Take care", said CJ as he headed towards the clubhouse.
Josie walked over to the A's bullpen where Trevor Callahan was doing his warmups, the big pitcher and her godfather starting the game tonight. He was big and stocky with light brown hair framing a round face with pale blue eyes and a snub nose, the green and gold uniform making look vaguely like a big leprechaun.
"Hey Trevor, win for Miss Peggy", said Josie.
Trevor threw one last pitch and smiled up at her, grabbing a bottle of water and taking a sip. "Hey Josie, heard the news about Dallas, congratulations. If you want, I got a bunch of books for the trip, I have too many books", he laughed.
"I know, do you have books on Vikings? I'm going to be an archaeologist", said Josie.
"Of course, I got a genius for a goddaughter. Ebay's great for that, so many people throw out perfectly fine books", he said, shaking his head.
"That sucks, are they going to come back as roaches?", she asked.
"Maybe, if you got bad karma you come back as a roach or a fly who eats shit, I don't think either of us is going to come back as a Bodhisattva just yet", he teased.
"Trevor, don't let the priest hear that, you're supposed to be a Catholic", she chided.
"I know, I just know I don't want to come back as a fly or a roach. Later on, we'll all go out for dinner and we'll talk some more, I got to finish my warmups", said Trevor.
"All right, bye", she said as she went back to where Dallas and Peggy sat.
"That was a great game, you big dumb bastard", teased Dallas, clapping his friend on the back.
Trevor just laughed as he followed them out the stadium. "I know, I was going against their big guy Alexi Ogando and he was on the All-Star game, I couldn't have my B game. Josie, where do you want to go and celebrate?", he asked.
"Let's go to Dave and Buster's, Chuck E Cheese's sucks", said Josie.
"I know, look up Chuck E Cheese fights on Youtube", laughed Peggy as they got in the truck: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYFgUvultQk
"Dallas, play the Chuck E Cheese Hell song", said Josie.
"Your wish is my command, Miss Josephine", he said gallantly as he slipped a CD into the player: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLGtuDZTk6o
I got combat training from overseas
Now I’m the bouncer at the Chucky Cheese
I think I’d rather do a year in jail
Than another afternoon
In Chucky Cheese Hell
Chucky Cheese Hell
I’m in Chucky CHEEEEEEESE HELL!
We cater to a snot nose clientele
In Chucky Cheese Hell
Mama drives Chipper to the Chucky Mall
Watches him wallor in some plastic balls
The band sucks and the pizza’s cold
And you eat it with a slobberin’ four year old
In Chucky Cheese Hell
Puke with pepperoni still smells the same
You waste a paycheck on a video game
Lined up out the door like The Stones are in town
There ain’t enough Chucky ass whippin’s
To go round
In Chucky Cheese Hell
I’m in Chucky CHEEEEEEEESE HELL!
Squallin’ youngins and a skee ball bell
In Chucky Cheese Hell
I did two tours of duty in Vietnam
Fightin’ jungle rot and braving napalm
But they couldn’t torture me half as well
As them little birthday $@*#*@*$!
In Chucky Cheese Hell
Chucky Cheese Hell
I’m in CHUCKY CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE HELL!!
Ow Wo Wo
"Dude, that's the dumbest song ever", joked Trevor.
"But it's the truth, reckon being a bouncer at Chuck E Cheese is worse than Vietnam", laughed Dallas.
"Ooh, I love this song", said Josie as she sang along to Paul Thorn's It's a Great Day to Whoop Somebody's Ass: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBjhGHLQnIE
Have You Ever Had One Of Those Days
when Nothing Goes Right
your Wife Starts Bitchen 'bout Whatever It Was She Was Bitchen About Last Night
so You Escape Into The Bathroom
just To Sit There On Your Thrown
but After You Finish Your Buisness The Toilet Paper's Gone
well It's A Great Day For Me To Whup Somebody's Ass
it's A Bad Day So You Better Get Off My Back
you Might Get Cold Cock If You Cross My Path
cuz It's A Great Day For Me To Whup Somebody's Ass
well I Was Runnin Late For Work
so I Poured Me Some Coffee To Go
and Just Before I Had A Flat Tire I Spilled It All Over My Clothes
when The Highway Patrollman Pulled Up I Thought That Help Was On The Way
but When He Saw The Tire Tool In My Hand He Shot Me With Pepper Spray
well It's A Great Day For Me To Whup Somebody's Ass
it's A Bad Day So You Better Get Off My Back
you Might Get Cold Cocked If You Cross My Path
cuz It's A Great Day For Me To Whup Somebody's Ass
when I Finally Made It To Work
i Was 15 Minutes Late
i Told My Boss About The Flat Tire
but He Fired Me Anyway
so Here I Am Out In The Parking Lot
just Waiting By His Corvet
i'm Gonna Give Him A Goodbye Present That He Never Will Forget
cuz It's A Great Day For Me To Whup Somebody's Ass
it's A Bad Day So You Better Get Off My Back
you Might Get Cold Cocked If You Cross My Path
cuz It's A Great Day For Me To Whup Somebody's Ass
"Josie, you sing pretty good but don't sing that at the school talent show", chided Dallas.
"I know better than that, it's a funny song. I'd hate to be that guy", she laughed.
They arrived at Dave and Buster's at the mall half an hour later. "Hi, how many?", asked the teenage greeter.
"Party of four, ma'am", replied Dallas.
Unlike Chuck E Cheese's, Dave and Buster's was more low-key with a real sit-down restaurant and alcoholic drinks, the game room in the back soundproofed as to not disturb anyone. "What can I get you to drink?", asked the waitress.
"I'll have a pink gin with Beefeater", said Peggy.
"And two Newcastles for us", said Dallas.
"I'll have a lemonade", said Josie.
After dinner, they went to the game room next door. The room was crowded with all sorts of arcade games and the requisite children, but since it was soundproofed it wasn't too bad for the people back in the dining room. Dallas got $10 worth of tokens as him and Josie played a zombie game, using the blue plastic guns to shoot at the disgusting creatures. "This is awesome, I got the bastard", she said proudly when the zombie was killed and turned into a pile of purple guts.
"That's my girl, maybe when we go to Australia, you can learn to shoot", said Dallas proudly.
"Actually, they have strict gun control out there, some crazy dude back in the 90's shot a bunch of people with an Uzi so they put a lot of restrictions on guns", said Trevor, taking a sip of his beer.
"That sucks, looks like folks go postal Down Under too", said Dallas, shaking his head.
"Dallas, I don't want Josie shooting guns, she's too young for that", chided Peggy, taking a sip of her pink gin.
"I'm just messing around, Grandma", he joked as they played another round of the zombie game.
Peggy Lindsay was standing on the porch, waving to them. She was a stout woman in her seventies with bright red dyed hair the color of flames and sharp green eyes, wearing a pale blue pantsuit and a pink baseball cap. The only thing that kept her from looking younger were the wrinkles around her eyes and mouth and her veiny, knarled hands whose fingernails were painted baby pink.
"Dallas, Josie, so glad to see you", she said, embracing Dallas and Josie.
"Hey, Grandma. You ready?", he asked as they walked towards his black pickup truck.
"You betcha, you know I never miss an A's game and watching it is better than on TV. Josie, how is school?", asked Peggy, reaching into her pocket for a pack of menthols and a lighter.
"School sucks, like usual, Miss Peggy. And the gym teacher says smoking is bad", she chided.
Peggy took a drag off her cigarette as she rolled down the window and exhaled, an amused look in her green eyes. "Josie, doctors are full of shit, at my age you stop worrying all the time. They're always trying to stop people from having fun, you ever seen a happy doctor?", she retorted, taking another drag.
"You're right, Grandma. Reckon everything that's fun is bad for you, if you do all the stuff the doctors say, you'll live to be a hundred but won't have any fun doing so", joked Dallas.
"Speaking of which, the doc said I was fine, reckon a smoke a day and a drink a day is all right", cackled Peggy.
"Miss Peggy, Dallas got an offer to play baseball in Australia", said Josie.
"Yeah, Grandma. I signed a contract to play with the Perth Heat in the Australian Baseball League, we're moving next month and Josie coming with me. Don't keel over on me", he joked.
"Dallas Lee Brady, that's great news. This is a real opportunity for you, I was worried about you at home all day drinking and watching TV, this is great news. You better call and send postcards", chided Peggy.
"I know, Grandma. Are you sure you don't want to come with us, the team is going to find us a place", said Dallas as he made the exit for I-880 going west.
"At my age, you don't want to travel, Dallas. Besides, what am I going to do in Australia, hunt kangaroos? But Josie, be on your best behavior for your father, you're representing the states", teased Peggy.
"I know, Miss Peggy. But I want to travel, it's boring here. I want to go to Ireland, we're 100% Irish", she said proudly.
"I know, it's better than being California trailer trash. And Josie, you better behave or else you'll come back as a roach, that's what Trevor said", he teased.
"That boy is too smart for his own good, why is playing baseball instead of being in college? I suppose by the time he retires he can own a college", laughed Peggy.
"Yeah, not many dudes with an IQ over 160 are in the majors", agreed Dallas.
They arrived at Oakland Coliseum half an hour later, the enormous concrete stadium surrounded by acres of parking spaces that were half-full for that night's game. Dallas parked the car and they joined the fans in A's green and gold headed into the stadium, some fans recognizing him and asking for autographs. They settled in their seats in the grandstand near the A's dugout as the visiting Texas Rangers were wrapping up their warmups.
"Be careful, Josie", said Dallas.
Josie got near the field and waved when she saw Texas pitcher and friend CJ Wilson in the outfield waiting to catch fly balls. "Hey CJ!", she yelled.
CJ heard her yell and turned around, smiling and waving to her as he walked over to the railing. "Hey, Josie. Your grandma's rooting against us tonight?", he joked.
"Yeah, she's a diehard A's fan, especially since Dallas played for them. Dallas got an offer to play in Australia and we're leaving in a month", she said.
"I know, I read it on Deadspin this morning, word gets around fast. Tell your dad congratulations and I'd go out with him for drinks if I wasn't straight-edge, but that's awesome news. Perth is gorgeous, Janet and I went there on vacation last year and it's like back home in Orange County, beaches and palm trees and everything. Trust me, you guys are going to like it", laughed CJ.
"Tell Janet I said hi", said Josie.
"I got a Lonely Planet guide to Australia I bought used at a yard sale, I'll send it to you. It could come in handy, but it's really big. You want it?", he asked.
"I know, Josie. Tell your dad I said hi and I got to go or else the coaches are going to make me run extra laps. Take care", said CJ as he headed towards the clubhouse.
Josie walked over to the A's bullpen where Trevor Callahan was doing his warmups, the big pitcher and her godfather starting the game tonight. He was big and stocky with light brown hair framing a round face with pale blue eyes and a snub nose, the green and gold uniform making look vaguely like a big leprechaun.
"Hey Trevor, win for Miss Peggy", said Josie.
Trevor threw one last pitch and smiled up at her, grabbing a bottle of water and taking a sip. "Hey Josie, heard the news about Dallas, congratulations. If you want, I got a bunch of books for the trip, I have too many books", he laughed.
"I know, do you have books on Vikings? I'm going to be an archaeologist", said Josie.
"Of course, I got a genius for a goddaughter. Ebay's great for that, so many people throw out perfectly fine books", he said, shaking his head.
"That sucks, are they going to come back as roaches?", she asked.
"Maybe, if you got bad karma you come back as a roach or a fly who eats shit, I don't think either of us is going to come back as a Bodhisattva just yet", he teased.
"Trevor, don't let the priest hear that, you're supposed to be a Catholic", she chided.
"I know, I just know I don't want to come back as a fly or a roach. Later on, we'll all go out for dinner and we'll talk some more, I got to finish my warmups", said Trevor.
"All right, bye", she said as she went back to where Dallas and Peggy sat.
"That was a great game, you big dumb bastard", teased Dallas, clapping his friend on the back.
Trevor just laughed as he followed them out the stadium. "I know, I was going against their big guy Alexi Ogando and he was on the All-Star game, I couldn't have my B game. Josie, where do you want to go and celebrate?", he asked.
"Let's go to Dave and Buster's, Chuck E Cheese's sucks", said Josie.
"I know, look up Chuck E Cheese fights on Youtube", laughed Peggy as they got in the truck: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYFgUvultQk
"Dallas, play the Chuck E Cheese Hell song", said Josie.
"Your wish is my command, Miss Josephine", he said gallantly as he slipped a CD into the player: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLGtuDZTk6o
I got combat training from overseas
Now I’m the bouncer at the Chucky Cheese
I think I’d rather do a year in jail
Than another afternoon
In Chucky Cheese Hell
Chucky Cheese Hell
I’m in Chucky CHEEEEEEESE HELL!
We cater to a snot nose clientele
In Chucky Cheese Hell
Mama drives Chipper to the Chucky Mall
Watches him wallor in some plastic balls
The band sucks and the pizza’s cold
And you eat it with a slobberin’ four year old
In Chucky Cheese Hell
Puke with pepperoni still smells the same
You waste a paycheck on a video game
Lined up out the door like The Stones are in town
There ain’t enough Chucky ass whippin’s
To go round
In Chucky Cheese Hell
I’m in Chucky CHEEEEEEEESE HELL!
Squallin’ youngins and a skee ball bell
In Chucky Cheese Hell
I did two tours of duty in Vietnam
Fightin’ jungle rot and braving napalm
But they couldn’t torture me half as well
As them little birthday $@*#*@*$!
In Chucky Cheese Hell
Chucky Cheese Hell
I’m in CHUCKY CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE HELL!!
Ow Wo Wo
"Dude, that's the dumbest song ever", joked Trevor.
"But it's the truth, reckon being a bouncer at Chuck E Cheese is worse than Vietnam", laughed Dallas.
"Ooh, I love this song", said Josie as she sang along to Paul Thorn's It's a Great Day to Whoop Somebody's Ass: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBjhGHLQnIE
Have You Ever Had One Of Those Days
when Nothing Goes Right
your Wife Starts Bitchen 'bout Whatever It Was She Was Bitchen About Last Night
so You Escape Into The Bathroom
just To Sit There On Your Thrown
but After You Finish Your Buisness The Toilet Paper's Gone
well It's A Great Day For Me To Whup Somebody's Ass
it's A Bad Day So You Better Get Off My Back
you Might Get Cold Cock If You Cross My Path
cuz It's A Great Day For Me To Whup Somebody's Ass
well I Was Runnin Late For Work
so I Poured Me Some Coffee To Go
and Just Before I Had A Flat Tire I Spilled It All Over My Clothes
when The Highway Patrollman Pulled Up I Thought That Help Was On The Way
but When He Saw The Tire Tool In My Hand He Shot Me With Pepper Spray
well It's A Great Day For Me To Whup Somebody's Ass
it's A Bad Day So You Better Get Off My Back
you Might Get Cold Cocked If You Cross My Path
cuz It's A Great Day For Me To Whup Somebody's Ass
when I Finally Made It To Work
i Was 15 Minutes Late
i Told My Boss About The Flat Tire
but He Fired Me Anyway
so Here I Am Out In The Parking Lot
just Waiting By His Corvet
i'm Gonna Give Him A Goodbye Present That He Never Will Forget
cuz It's A Great Day For Me To Whup Somebody's Ass
it's A Bad Day So You Better Get Off My Back
you Might Get Cold Cocked If You Cross My Path
cuz It's A Great Day For Me To Whup Somebody's Ass
"Josie, you sing pretty good but don't sing that at the school talent show", chided Dallas.
"I know better than that, it's a funny song. I'd hate to be that guy", she laughed.
They arrived at Dave and Buster's at the mall half an hour later. "Hi, how many?", asked the teenage greeter.
"Party of four, ma'am", replied Dallas.
Unlike Chuck E Cheese's, Dave and Buster's was more low-key with a real sit-down restaurant and alcoholic drinks, the game room in the back soundproofed as to not disturb anyone. "What can I get you to drink?", asked the waitress.
"I'll have a pink gin with Beefeater", said Peggy.
"And two Newcastles for us", said Dallas.
"I'll have a lemonade", said Josie.
After dinner, they went to the game room next door. The room was crowded with all sorts of arcade games and the requisite children, but since it was soundproofed it wasn't too bad for the people back in the dining room. Dallas got $10 worth of tokens as him and Josie played a zombie game, using the blue plastic guns to shoot at the disgusting creatures. "This is awesome, I got the bastard", she said proudly when the zombie was killed and turned into a pile of purple guts.
"That's my girl, maybe when we go to Australia, you can learn to shoot", said Dallas proudly.
"Actually, they have strict gun control out there, some crazy dude back in the 90's shot a bunch of people with an Uzi so they put a lot of restrictions on guns", said Trevor, taking a sip of his beer.
"That sucks, looks like folks go postal Down Under too", said Dallas, shaking his head.
"Dallas, I don't want Josie shooting guns, she's too young for that", chided Peggy, taking a sip of her pink gin.
"I'm just messing around, Grandma", he joked as they played another round of the zombie game.
♠ ♠ ♠
I do not own the Oakland A's, Texas Rangers or the songs mentioned in this chapter.