Together by This Christmas Tree

john o'callaghan

“John, I really like her!” Jess hissed as Cally’s retreating back disappeared into the kitchen, the bartender calling out to her in a language none of us could understand. Jess brightened as she spoke, sure Cally wouldn’t hear her. “She doesn’t make me nervous. She’s sweet, she’s funny, and she’s really nice, and she’s gorgeous,” Jess gushed, and Halvo gently grabbed her hand.

“John, I like her too.” Halvo sounded serious, something he rarely was. “Besides, Jess really likes her, so please, try and keep Cally around?” Halvo smiled at me, taking another sip of his beer and looking at Pat, where all attention had turned. He shrugged, like he didn’t even care.

“She seems nice, but so did Sumner.” And all hell seemed to mentally break loose with the mention of Sumner. I fell silent, even as Cally returned to our table with our food piled high on both arms, handing it all out to us with a smile, even remembering Pat’s request for three pickles instead of one, and Halvo’s need for twice as much lettuce and half the amount of tomatoes.

She complimented Jess’s shirt before she headed back towards the bar, where she’s was talking to the bartender, who kept making her smile. Anger boiled up inside me, because I had been having a great time until Pat mentioned Sumner.

Of course, no one knew about my inner battle whether to let her go or to keep her around, but it hurt. Letting go hurt, but trying to love her again and find that happiness that was supposedly always there hurt a lot too.

Soon enough, Eric had picked up the bill and led Jess out, towards his car and back towards his apartment, where I was sure Jess would be glowing with the promise of a new friend, with Cally’s number in her phone and a smile on her lips. And then, Pat said goodbye to Cally and said he’d see me tomorrow at band practice, and practically skipped out. They left me alone, sitting in the booth.

And for awhile, I really was alone. Until Cally slid in where Halvo once sat, looking concerned. “So, all your friends have left, and you’re sitting here, alone, among everyone’s garbage. Are you okay?” And the worst part of it all was, she sounded so concerned, like she honestly cared, and her face merged with Sumner’s for a split second, scaring me out of my wits. She recovered quickly. “You don’t have to talk about it, John. I get it. But if you want to, I’m here, okay?” Cally stood, and before I knew what I was doing, I spoke again.

“No, don’t go. Please.” I was begging with a girl I hardly knew. She slowly slid back into her seat across from me, her eyes watching mine in ways I never would have expected. “It’s just ... a few weeks before I met you, I broke up with a girl I had been on and off dating for awhile. And I’m stuck in that awkward place between wondering whether to let her go, or to snatch her back, you know?” She nodded.

“It depends on where you are in life, John. Some times you have to let everything go, and others, you need to take the person who made you feel whole, back. You just have to listen to your heart.” She grabbed my hand gently, like she was afraid, afraid I’d bite her or something. I grabbed hers tightly, holding them as close to me as possible, wanting her that close.

In so many ways, she was unlike Sumner, like the way she smiled when she said everything and the way she made things easy, and up to do anything that made her happy. And, despite knowing her for such a short time, she made me happy. But in so many others, she was just like Sumner. Like the way she bit her lip and cared about me and the way she cared more about everyone else than herself.

“I wish I had something better to say, John, I really do.” Cally looked at me with those green eyes that were storm grey with worry, ones that made me want to cry. She looked at me, her hands holding mine tight, and she seemed at a loss for words. “My shift ends in ten minutes. Do you ... would it make you feel better if ... look, just come back to my apartment with me, and we can talk, or we can ignore that it ever happened and we can mess around.”

I wanted nothing more in that instance, to be with her.

A few days passed before I saw Cally again. She worked longer hours at the pub now that Christmas was coming closer and people were taking more days off. I was working hard on that Christmas song, and despite having found my muse, I couldn’t finish “Ho Ho Hopefully”, despite all that I tried.

I was scared to see Cally again, terrified to step inside this pub again where she worked. I was scared I’d see her, scared that, what happened after that night in her apartment, I was just terrified that everything would change.

Jess had made me promise I’d try to keep her around. I was barely even bothering at this point, and I had missed her. I hadn’t let the guys talk about her while I was there, hardly texted her when I was bored like I used to.

Things had just ... stopped.

But in so many other ways, things had begun anew. I made my choice about where I belonged, and who I belonged with. Now, it was just a matter of testing the waters, wondering if I made the right choice.

Yet, every night, right before my dreams took me away into the land that I could no longer control, I had my doubts. What if she wasn’t the one? What if I made the wrong choice?

I hardly believed myself in these moments, for one simple reason, one my heart hated me for. I was with Sumner now, not Cally.