Together by This Christmas Tree

cally mcgregor

For the first time, I wasn’t there beside him when I woke up. Normally, I was sure I would have felt guilty, like a bad girlfriend. But part of me wanted to just break up with him, start over, move to England and change everything back to the way it was. I sighed, leaning my head against the steering wheel as my car slid to a stop at a red light. I couldn’t do that. It was one small mistake, and I loved him.

I had no one to turn to. Sure, I had the guys, but I was scared of what they would say. And true to her word, Jenny had said she would always be there for me if I needed her to be. Which was what brought me to right outside John’s childhood park, my hands shaking and tears about to fall from my face, to gather my thoughts. Scottsdale wasn’t going to do it for me.

Maybe I was making a mountain out of a molehill. But John said he’d understand me, and especially that the last guy I slept with broke my fucking heart. He had said that when we were drunk, laying in my apartment, before he got with Sumner. I knew him, and I knew he’d take it farther. I’d almost let him, feeling the fire against my back as he slowly pulled my v-neck off, rubbing my stomach and making me feel like, for some reason, that he would still love me like he did now in the morning.

But then I remembered Howie, I remembered everything. I remembered waking up alone a lot, I remembered standing there alone on the altar, and I remembered fighting and throwing things. Marriage was our last attempt to stay together, something he didn’t want.

And I burst into tears, pushing John off, and pushed myself against the wall, suddenly lost in limbo, the place between life and death, reality and dreams, hoping and praying someone would come save me.

John kissed my forehead, apologized, and walked out, staggering as he tried to get to his car.

I sighed, pushing back on the swing and exhaling slowly, closing my eyes to this false reality where I seemed to be, trying to remember what happened. I had never really forgiven him for that. For assuming that I’d want that, that I wanted his lips, his body, his love. I did, but perhaps not his body quite so soon. I never forgave him for just getting up and leaving when things got heavy, when all of a sudden, I needed him. When I needed someone to hold me close and tell me things were going to be okay.

Because no one ever fucking made me feel like that, that I was going to be okay, that maybe, just fucking maybe, I would survive getting stood up by the love of my life on our wedding date, that I would survive losing my dad in front of me, that I would survive the world constantly tearing down my dreams to make me push harder.

I pushed back hard on the swing, a tear falling down my cheek as I wished. I didn’t have any strength left to carry on. I needed someone, anyone.