You Say I'm Fixed, but I Still Feel Broken

Again I went on the porch, and again, I watched her. Ugh! The guys are right. This is such a horrible habit. I had her. All I had to fucking do was walk right up to her and just say hi and let her know that I was interested in her. Instead I just smiled like the idiot I am, and now I just watch her like a sick psycho path. What’s this? A friend has joined her.

This new friend isn’t as pretty, or at least to me anyway, as my girl. What are they doing? They’re talking not by mouth but by hands! Am I seeing this correctly? The new girl must be deaf.

“Tom fucking seriously dude? Will you ease up?” Georg said annoyed. Do they all feel annoyed with me?

“Look! They’re talking with their hands!” I said shocked, not sure what to make of the situation.

“Uh, yea, that’s what deaf people do to communicate Tom, maybe you need to go back to school! And their? Seriously another one,” He said sarcastically shaking his head.

“Duh! I know that is how they communicate, but it just added more to the likeness of this girl. She knows another language to be able to communicate with her friend. So no, I don’t like the other friend, just this one girl,” I smiled still watching them.

“So you’re shallow? You don’t like the other girl because she’s deaf? Tell me Tom, what are you going to do if it’s the other way around? Come on, I want you to answer that! What if this said girl is the one that’s deaf and not her friend, and her friend knows sign language so she can communicate with her?” he asked seriously. I honestly never thought of that.

“Nah, I think there’d be signs if she were. I am pretty sure it’s her friend that is,” I said now looking him square in the eye. That was my hint to tell him to get off my back.

“Listen Tom, deafness is not something you can tell in a person. If you weren’t so shallow all the time you could actually find a nice girl. Honestly, I am fucking sick and tired on how you treat women. You pick them based on looks. You supposedly really like this mystery girl, but for what? To actually hold a relationship with? I don’t think so. You know you only want her to have sex with!” he shouted getting extremely angry with me.

“Tell me how you really feel dude,” I said turning around.

He sighed and slammed the sliding glass door as hard as he could. I know how I feel, and I look at that girl and I am not seeing sex, I am seeing something more. Fuck him, I am not shallow, there can be more to a relationship than sex, not that a one night stand is actually a relationship. This girl is different I can feel it; I can feel it to the point that I know I am going to prove those guys wrong!



“Lily do you think I am being pathetic?” I signed to her, lying down on my bed putting my pillow over my face. She grabbed the pillow off my face and just looked at me. She smiled, thought and began signing.

“Listen, you have every right to feel the way you do, but I think you should talk to them. Try to communicate with them. Tell them how you feel, tell them everything. They can only understand what they see, but try to have them understand you,” she smiled.

She was right. The only way my aunt and uncle were going to know that I was unhappy with everything was if I talked to them. That’s when Lily looked towards my window confused, then nodded her head, and faced me.

“They’re home” she signed. We both got up and headed downstairs. I didn’t want to have this conversation, but it needed to be had.

“Hi Kennie! Oh you brought your friend, will you like to stay the night?” She talked way too fast that I could barely catch anything she was saying. Lily caught on and signed for me. I just nodded. My aunt looked confused.

“She can read lips, you didn’t have to sign to her,” my aunt laughed.

“Actually Mrs. Carmine, you all talk way too fast. She can’t keep up. She only gets some of what you’re saying. You need to slow down when you talk to her,” she said scratching her head, which is something she always does when she’s nervous.

“You mean talk to her like a retard?” Jocelyn snickered. I definitely caught that one.

“I am not retarded. I am me. I am deaf, that does not make me stupid. I am smart, but in order to meet in the middle, I need to be able to read your lips! I can’t do that when you are all talking a million words a minute!” I said and signed at the same time. My aunt hugged me.

“We are so sorry sweetie. We forget sometimes how hard it is on you that we don’t think about it. However, while we were out we did pick up this book to help with the language barrier,” she said showing me a sign language book.

I was so ecstatic that I hugged my aunt and uncle as tightly as I could. They truly did care. I felt a little guilty for bashing them, but at the same time, like Lily said, I had every right to feel the way I did.

“If your friend is staying over, please don’t forget that you are staying in the living room tonight,” Jocelyn said rudely.

“Jocelyn! No! You and your party are staying in the basement. You are not taking over Kennie’s room!” my aunt yelled at her daughter.

“But mom! We need the damn room!” she shrieked, or at least by the look on Lily’s face she shrieked, and at this time, I am glad I couldn’t hear it.

“Jocelyn Elizabeth Carmine, you keep this up and you can forget about the party! Do you understand me?” my aunt just kept her cool.

“Yes mother dearest,” she said and they had a small staring contest.

I had my arms folded across my chest and just gave her a cocky look. She glared and stormed off. Lily looked at me and we laughed. She agreed to spend the night, so we decided to go pick a movie to watch. I loved my small victory, but something tells me Jocelyn isn’t done with whatever it is she is doing.