Too Much of Anything

What Zack had said was literally haunting me, I couldn't get it out of my head. I know what he said would make sense but I couldn't do such a thing to Jack. How could I? He meant way more to me than the meaningless fucks that made me infamous for being a Casanova.

It seemed like Zack didn't understand that at all. I know I should have confidence in my own words but there's always a tiny bit of doubt eating away at me. I try to get it out of mind, but it's hard to do so.

Jack didn't question what we were talking about and I didn't exactly know what he would say if I told him. He probably knew all about that though, didn't he? Although, if he had then he wouldn't be trying a relationship out with me in the first place. If I were him, I wouldn't even try.

Jack's just too perfect though, everything about him makes me wonder why I hadn't noticed him as more than a friend before. Every little thing he did made me gush like a stupid teenage girl. It was so different to my past relationships, although you couldn't count those as relationships or anything remotely romantic.

He was tracing patterns on my palm, underneath the table in our Physics lesson. He seemed to be pretty occupied with doing so.

A lot of people had figured out that the two of us had got together, thus spreading rumors around the school. I tried to ignore some of them but I couldn't help but listen.

It wasn't just Zack who had that mindset, a lot of people were shocked that I was trying with a relationship with Jack, they thought it was out of character for me. Was I not allowed to be happy? Was there some sort of invisible rule which stated that I couldn't be with anyone? I didn't blame them though. I really didn't.

"Hey, Jack." I whispered, trying to get his attention.

He didn't look up at me, but I knew that he was listening in.

"Do you think the same thing as everyone else does?" I inquired.

I finally received his undivided attention this time. He let go of my hand, narrowing his eyebrows at me.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

I wanted him to know that I would be faithful, well I would try. I shook my head, what's wrong with me anyway? I promised myself and Jack that I'd never hurt him and I know I meant it. So I shouldn't even care what others think. Still, I can't get it out of my mind.

"Do you think that I haven't changed at all? That I'm going to treat you like the others I've dated. Because you need to understand that I won't - " Jack cut me off.

"I know that Alex. You don't need to say that again. I trust you." A small smile stretched across his lips.

He trusts me. Fuck, what if I did do something stupid? Maybe I shouldn't even be in a relationship with Jack. Maybe it would be better if we just stayed friends and nothing more. If I stopped this - whatever this was - now then he wouldn't be so hurt if I left it in the long run. Right?

No, I was being ridiculous. Damn Zack for implanting such thoughts into my head. I wish everyone could have leaved me to my happiness instead of making realize the gravity of the situation.

"I don't think I'm good enough for you, I have impulses and I do stupid things - you know that." I was beginning to freak out now.

He rolled his eyes at me. "What did Zack say to you?"

He seemed to have hit the nail on the head. I leaned back in my chair, at least it was only Jack and me in this class. Rian and Zack were currently in ICT.

"He told me that he doesn't think that I can commit, no, he knows I can't commit. I'm starting to wonder if he is right. I don't want to hurt you in the future, I really like you but I don't want this to affect our friendship," I admitted.

He glared at me. "If you say any more then that will affect our friendship. Like I said before: I trust you, I don't want you to throw this away before it's even started."

I sighed as he squeezed my hand in a comforting way. If only he had been right.



Telling my mother about Jack and me wasn't as bad as I thought it would have been. She knew we were close and she definitely was shocked when I told her but she didn't go all crazy about it. She seemed to be happy that I was happy. Which was a change, she and Jack had been the two people who had always been telling me to commit.

Jack came round my house that night, our priority was because we had a science project we had to do together. When we reached my room though, we didn't really get much done on that project whatsoever.

I found myself with my hands up Jack's shirt as his hands tangled in my hair, our lips meshed together. How could I give such a feeling away? I was acting like I'd be able to give it up without any regrets.

But I couldn't. Kissing Jack was like an addiction, once I had it I only wanted more. I managed to push him onto the bed, straddling him. I had taken his shirt off of him and he was now half naked in front of me. My eyes flashed with realization as I climbed off him.

"I'm going way too fast, aren't I?" It wasn't really directed at Jack, it was more to myself than anyone else.

Of course I wanted to have sex with Jack, that was definitely near the top of my list. Although, I couldn't make him think that I really hadn't change. I was afraid that if I did this then it wouldn't be any different.

I was heading into the same routine. First: get the person to fall for me, then make them feel like they're in a relationship with me, make love to them not that long after and then leave them, break them until they're nothing more than an empty shell of what used to be. I shook my head, stop it, stop thinking like that.

Jack looked at me curiously. "What's up Alex?" he asked.

There shouldn't be anything up with me. He told me not to worry about it but I can't help it. I really can't. Did Jack want this? I could tell he did by the way he was looking at me with lust filled eyes.

His hand stroked my arm, sending an overwhelming feeling through me from only that one simple action. I smiled at him, getting any unwanted thoughts out of my head.

"Nothing," I answered, leaning back on my bed as Jack wrapped his arms around me.

I could tell he still wasn't completely reassured by this, but he didn't question it. I secretly thanked him for that, I was glad he wasn't making me spill out all of the things that made me a horrible human being. Although, he probably knew them all.