Too Much of Anything

Drink, smoke, sleep, eat, find someone, anyone who'll be there like Jack, or at least, a replacement to Jack. So far, things have been extremely unsuccessful.

It seemed that everything had fallen into a monotonous cycle, one that went around the same, never changing. I found myself not caring about anything because with Jack apparently hating me, what is there left to care about? I don't even know what to do anymore, any kind of hope or happiness or anything of the like has been drained from me. I'm empty. I'm nothing.

After that house party, I ran after Jack, tried to find that familiar face and tell him it all but from my perspective. He didn't want to talk to me. His eyes had darkened and any love he may have had for me before this disaster had faded away, just like that. After a while, I found myself out in the rain, deciding that there was no point staying there because everything had turned incredibly sour.

Word had spread and people were eying me the way they did before - a Casanova, always a Casanova. I couldn't ignore their whispers, I couldn't block them out. I wondered if they were right, if this was bound to happen from the get go. As soon as I decided to get Jack, for him to be mine, our relationship and our friendship was doomed.

That is one of the things I'm most worried about, it doesn't matter if Jack doesn't want me back as his boyfriend, but I at least want to fix things enough that we could at least stay friends. Maybe the chance to call myself his best friend has gone, but to be called his friend is good enough.

However, nothing seemed to be working out the way I wanted it too. The day after the party, I went over to his house, knocking on the door sharply once. He didn't bother coming to the door, but I knew he was there. I could see his light on from his bedroom, as well as his shadow on the opposite wall. I shouted up to him until my voice was left raw. But still, nothing.

I know full well I deserved this, it was retribution not only for having broken Jack's heart, but for the countless others' as well.

I didn't completely give up there, not yet. At school the following Monday, I walked up to him. He was talking to Zack, the two of them in this private conversation which was only supposed to be between the two of them. Zack saw me first and glared at me, he pulled on Jack's school shirt as the two of them walked away, Jack not bothering to spare me a glance.

To me it felt like the part of being Jack's best friend was full, and Zack had now filled it. Of course, Zack hated me now too. I guess it was because of the whole hurting Jack thing, it was probably because he had warned me about this and I went and did exactly what he thought I would do.

Rian was the only one who wasn't giving me the cold shoulder, he talked to me occasionally but I guess the fact that we had become distant now was my fault. When I realized that Jack didn't want me anymore, I shut myself off from everyone entirely, including Rian.

Some people may say I didn't try hard enough to get Jack back, but they wouldn't understand. I deserved all of this, every second of this solitude. I didn't know how to fix it anyway, I had tried, of course I had. But I always found myself in the same situation.

Everyone knew me now, but not for a good reason.

I was back to being Alex, the 'heart breaker', and I felt that's all I could ever be.

I guess that's when everything went horrifically down hill.

-

It was a Saturday night, I think at least, or maybe it was a Sunday, but that doesn't matter. I had been losing track of the days, even the date had escaped my mind. There was nothing much to look forward to anymore, so I didn't bother. I was in a club, the same damned club which had started this whole bullshit. When I went up to the bar, that stupid bartender mentioned Jack and I, instinctively I punched him which automatically started a fist fight.

After that now being drunk and extremely tipsy, my eyes were drawn directly to a girl, a rather average looking girl with bleached blonde hair. She was enough though, enough to satisfy my needs for the night. She looked at me hungrily, almost like a piece of meat.

Before I even approached her, those red painted talons were pressed to my cheek, her lips, slightly wet and tasting distinctively of alcohol were latched onto mine. It didn't taste good, but then again, it never really tasted any good. It was always the same thing, nothing felt right anymore. Only Jack's lips would truly satisfy me. She pulled away, a smirk on her face.

Her lips were now on my ear, as she whispered seductively, "You want to get away from here?"

This is how it had been for a while, I found myself a whore, it didn't matter who it was, and fuck her (or now in some cases, him) as a way to vent my anger and my frustration about myself. Usually, I would have said yes to her but something else caught my eye. I pushed her away from me, hearing her cuss at me from behind. ("Fine then you fucker!") I didn't care about that bitch at all, because he was there, Jack was actually there and he was walking towards me.

For a second, I thought that I was dreaming because that would be the only logical explanation to this. I stared at him, watching him come closer to me.

Seeing him here made me angry, Jack never gave me a chance to explain and I blamed him for everything that had happened over the last past month. Yes, it had been a month since I last spoke to him, but to me it felt like years. I felt like lashing out at him for no apparent reason. Anger was clouding my better judgement and the first thing I said as he stood opposite me was 'fuck off'. In some sane part of my mind, I was saying the exact opposite.

"Alex, I just want to talk to you," he told me and I wondered whether he was going to have a go at me.

I stayed silent, noticing that Jack was undeniably sober. I, on the other hand, was the most drunk I had ever been.

I laughed at his words, tossing my head back. "Ha! You want to talk to me now? I tried so hard Jack, so fucking hard to get you to listen to me, but you never let me. And now you want me to talk to you. Fuck you."

I flipped him off, wobbling slightly as I shifted from one foot to the other. Jack didn't get angry at me, there was another emotion in his eyes, possibly pity.

"What's happened to you?" he gestured to the drink in my hand, the black outline underneath my eyes from the lack of sleep.

I didn't understand why he even needed to ask that question, he should probably have guessed it perfectly on his own. Of course he knew that without him, I'm nothing. I'll lose myself to all of this because there's nothing there to keep me from drowning myself in it.

From the get go, Jack was my anchor. He'd stop me from doing anything stupid, he'd put sense into my head. Without him, I didn't have anyone to tell me and help me to decide what was right and wrong. I only had myself, a person who was wrecked beyond belief and was drowning down and deep into his own sorrows.

The anger seared inside me again like fire, hot and deadly. I had a sudden urge to punch him, to inflict a red mark on his face.

"Why are you even talking to me Jack? I thought you hated me, no, I know you hate me!" I questioned, watching the emotions flicker and change on Jack's face.

"I'm here to forgive you. It's obvious that there is no way we can ever be...together again. But I don't want to leave you alone. Especially if you're going to end up like this. Zack agrees with me," he informed.

I laughed out loud. Zack. Fucking Zack. It felt like Zack was now Jack's confident or something. I remembered something as soon as Jack brought Zack up. I couldn't believe I had forgotten it and a shot of understanding to why Zack now hated me infiltrated my brain.

I did a lot of things that night when Jack and I fought, stuff that I preferred to be kept forgotten. I went around Zack's house, irritated with Jack and conflicted with many other different emotions.

I had done something, something I wasn't too proud of.

"I wonder if Zack actually said that, or maybe you're just lying. Because I know that if I were Zack, I wouldn't want anything to do with me either."

I wasn't a good person, not a good person to be with Jack or anyone. I didn't deserve to have friends as good as Jack, Zack and Rian.

Jack didn't need me in his life, it was best if I stayed out for good this time.

I could have possibly made a different decision if I was sober, but as soon as I made up my mind to let Jack go, I went through with it completely. Somehow, I wanted Jack to hate me, so much that he never ever would want to see me ever again.

So I did just that, I made him wish he had never met me in the first place.

"You're probably wondering why Zack hated me after all that. He was being a good friend to you, yes, but there was something else. On the night where you left me at the club I didn't just meet Emily, I saw Zack too. And we, well, I kissed him." Because I thought, for some odd reason, that he was you. "Emily was right about everything. I never loved you, Jack, never wanted you. All of this was to follow through with the bet because I wanted to win it. I managed to do it, didn't I? I managed to get you so crazy about me that you had fallen for me too. Imagine that!" I laughed bitterly, the crushing feeling of knowing that I had singlehandedly dealt the final blow to Jack and I's relationship seeping through me.

Jack only stared at me in disbelief, his eyes wider than they had ever been. "How could you do that to me, Alex? You're best friend," he took a step back, shaking his head. "That is it, I never want to see you again, got it? Goodbye Alex."

With that, he turned around, stepping out of my life for good.