Too Much of Anything

I felt hands patting me on the back with congrats, and I could see them all smiling at me, telling me how far I was going to go, how this was only going to be the beginning for me. All I did was nod at them, knowing deep down that I should care about what's happening in my life right now, but I don't. A gig has gone well down in Maryland, and heck, even if it's a small one in a small venue, that doesn't matter.

I played my heart out, like I always do because the lyrics mean everything to me. They are my life written down in verse and chorus. I don't expect any one to realize this, maybe they'd wonder if I was actually depressed. It's not like I'm still thinking about it, about his reaction to that stupid letter.

Sometimes, I'd like to think that he's reading it out loud, his eyes tearing up and his voice becoming more and more inaudible. Who knows what he thought when he read it, because there is a chance that he tore it up, burnt it, or threw it away. I hope he gave it a chance, I hope he did, but now I don't seem to have much hope in me left.

I pretend that I've forgotten my feelings for him. I try to move on as much as I can for the people around me, the people who know nothing about the person I used to be. And that's for the best. That's how things should be. I let people think that there's nothing wrong with me because it would be better. I don't want more people to leave me, I wouldn't be able to deal with something like that again. If it happened a second time round, I'm sure I'd be broken beyond repair.

I head out into the crowd of people to watch the second act to come on into the club, I was getting boys and girls around me trying to talk to me. I just smiled and said thank you whenever the time was right, because all I wanted to do was go home.

At the back of the room, I can hear my voice being called, a friendly one whose owner was walking up towards me in a quick fashion. He waved at me, shaking my shoulders.

"That was absolutely fucking brilliant, Gaskarth!" Vinny shouts over the other loud voices in the room, "Jesus christ, I never thought you could sing like that."

Vinny Vegas is a guy I met at some point in my little road trip between Baltimore and Florida. We met one night and we'd become friends since then. He's the first friend I've had since Zack, Rian, and Jack. Which is good because I really was not looking forward to a life with no friends whatsoever.

At first, I planned to keep my past well away from this new friendship but he ended up finding an old picture of Jack and I and everything came pouring out. When I say everything, I don't actually mean everything. He'd probably have left if he knew the whole truth. I just told him the basics, how I had done something terrible and the cost of it was losing Jack and my friends for good. He didn't question it further, thank god, which I was extremely thankful for. He never really did pry into things.

"Thanks, but I really wasn't that good," I shrugged.

He looked at me in a shocked manner, slinging his arm around me. He appeared to be a little bit tipsy.

"You, my friend, are too modest," he turned the two of us around to face the stage, "Can this guy go on again?"

Vinny managed to get the attention of the crowd and now people are wanting me to play once again for them and heck, that never happens before. I just stare at them all dumbfounded, my legs stuck to the spot and a sort of feeling that Vinny isn't actually drunk at all but is trying to prove me a point. Before I know it, hands are all over me again, but this time they're pushing me towards the stage. And now I'm back on there once again, a guitar in hand and the stupidest expression that has ever crossed my face.

My hand reached out for the microphone as I take it, looking out towards the crowd. "Er, so thanks for this everyone. It's nice to know that you all want to hear some more of little old me," I grin at the crowd and I can hear cheering.

Vinny's grinning back at me, wider this time though, and it kind of looks manic. I play the first few chords of the song I'm about to play on the guitar that has been handed to me, just to make sure that it is completely in tune.

"I'm going to play you all a song that I wrote myself, it kind of means a lot to me. So yeah, I hope you like it," I announce, "It's called Jasey Rae."

Lights out, I still hear the rain. These images that fill my head, now keep my fingers from making mistakes, tell my voice what it takes to speak up, speak up, and keep my conscience clean when I wake.

It was an acoustic version and even if the song was addressed to a 'Jasey Rae', at the moment in my head, it was addressed to Jack. My eyes were shut for the first verse, my mind deep into the memories that were buried deep down in my head. I opened them soon after, scanning the room to see the crowd's reaction. I hear the door opening a few times and I sing louder and better than I ever have before. The bridge of the song was coming up and it was then that I put in my all into it.

I've never told a lie and that makes me a liar. I've never made a bet but we gamble with desire...

I vaguely knew I was shaking, and to any outsiders eye it probably seemed like I was nervous. I was, to some extent, but that wasn't the main reason behind this stupid shaking. I nearly froze altogether when my wide hazel eyes met his own across the room and I was shocked that he was there, he was watching me perform this song. Jack was here, he was actually here. I expected never to see him again, really I did. But now they were all here, Jack, Zack and Rian.

They all had noticed who the performer on the stage was and I could feel Zack's obviously glare on me. Jack was just listening to the song, his eyes trailing over me and away again. As the song came to a close, I didn't bother to thank for the crowd for their time. I ran off as fast as I could, my full intention was to get away from this place as soon as possible before any of them came up to me.

I didn't look over at them the whole time I rushed out, and I completely ignored everything else around me. I was brought back to reality when I was grabbed back by someone - who I fucking hoped wasn't Jack - and I knew that I had to calm down now or I might do something drastic.

"Alex, calm down!" Thankfully, it was Vinny, "What's the matter with you?"

I tried so very hard not to break down in front of him, it took all of my strength to keep these feelings from spilling out of control. I looked around me, but Jack nor any of the others were there. I couldn't understand why I was so afraid to face him. Maybe it was because I was afraid that even if he had read the letter, he still hated me with every inch of his being. The possibility that he never bothered to read it at all or maybe that he wanted me to explain it to him was also a source of my reaction.

But I couldn't lie to Vinny.

"Jack was there, they all were," I revealed, "I really have to go now."

Vinny's mouth formed into an 'o' shape, before he frowned at my words. "Why don't you just go in and speak to them then, you can't keep running away every time you bump into them."

I know he was only trying to help but his advise wasn't what I needed. There was no way in hell that I'd ever consider talking to them. I'd probably be punched by Zack - who might I add was now built like a brick in comparison to what he was like in high school - and then bad mouthed by Rian who I had purposefully pushed out of my life for no apparent reason. And worst of all, I'd have to face the look on Jack's face, his eyes flashing with disappointment and sympathy for the way I had turned out. I've already explained to him through letter how fucking lost I am without him, but who knows whether he even cares.

I shook my head at Vinny, fists clenching and teeth gritting. "I can't do that, you don't understand but there's no way I could even have a civilized conversation with any of them. It's not possible."

"I don't know what you did Alex, and frankly, I don't think I want to know," Vinny started, "But I know that the person you are now is brilliant. Maybe if you convinced them that you've changed, then you won't have to keep on hiding any more. Because you're a good person, even if you try to convince yourself that you are not."

I was left with my jaw slacked at Vinny's words because no one has ever said anything like that to me before. I thought over them, my mind reeling with different outcomes and situations. Of course I wanted to start over, a completely clean slate. But then again, I wanted to go back in time to when Jack and I had never made that bet. I wanted to make sure that that never happened at all. But I'm not a magician and I can't do that.

"I don't know," I finally spoke up, "Sometimes I think they're all just better off without me."

-

It wasn't too long until I had my next small gig lined up, and hell, that wasn't the thing that was on my mind at that point. I should have been happy that I was getting somewhere, even if it was a slow journey, my life was actually turning out well. 

All I could think about was wanting to go up to Jack, at a time where it was only him around and talk to him, make things better. I'd tell myself that no, I couldn't do that, he'd never let me back in anyway and after what I did I don't deserve him. So I was going back in forth in thinking whether to visit him at the music shop, and I was secretly praying that I would actually bump into him. Although, I worried that I'd have the same reaction like what happened at my last show. I guess I just couldn't think normally, not after seeing Jack after thinking that I'd never see him again.

It wasn't Jack though who I bumped into first though. I have an apartment that I go back to when I have no shows to perform, but it's a flat I share with a quite cranky flatmate who unluckily, decided to throw me out as soon as I stepped in from a long night. 

He told me that I was a sorry excuse for a flatmate and that he couldn't have me sharing a flat if I wasn't going to pay a thing towards rent. Of course, I did counter back and say that I was coming in to actual money soon, but he just looked at me like I was a complete imbecile and told me to get my stuff and go before he used force. That's not to say I went out without any struggle, of course I did, I was pissed at him and at everything. My anger had even made me attack his poor white carpets with ketchup. But it was alright, because I wouldn't have to pay for that.

So I had to look for a new flat and I seriously thought that for the next few days I'd be living off the streets. I phoned Vinny at some point, but he declined as he's already got a flatmate and there's not enough for another person but he's really sorry. I believed him all the way but I was still peeved and let down that nothing seemed to be going my way.

It was like a stroke of luck - or in this case it really wasn't when I realized whose apartment it was - that I walked past an advert on a piece of paper for a new flat mate and I jumped to it immediately. 

It was a bit further away than my last flat, and a little too close to home but I figured that I'd at least give it a chance. So I went round, all high hopes and a little happier than I had been in the last 48 hours. I found the apartment quickly, and knocked on the door twice, wondering who could be behind the door.

The door opened after a few seconds of waiting and I was left standing there, unable to move or do anything.

"Alex?" Rian questioned, his brow furrowing before his eyes widened and an unlikely smile spread across his face, "Hey, Alex, what's up?"

I guess I was extremely taken aback by Rian's attitude to seeing me behind his door. I was the one who purposefully tore him out of my life but I thought he'd feel some resent for me doing so.

 But now, any sign of that was nowhere to be seen and he was grinning at me like nothing had changed. But what's up? The first thing he says to me is that when the last time I'm sure he was looking at me the same way Zack now does.

"Shit, I didn't know this was your apartment, I mean I saw the ad but I'd never come if I knew it was yours," I bit my lip, realizing I was rambling, "I better go."

I tried to make a break for it, but Rian's hand grabbed for my shoulder and hauled me into his flat. He shut the door behind me and for a second I wonder whether this is it. My life is going to end right now. I just couldn't see why Rian couldn't stop fucking smiling.

"Do you want anything to drink?" he asked, heading over to his kitchen, "I've got beer if you want."

I was a bit dumbfounded and I had to blink and pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Any second now Jack would enter the room with a bottle of stella artois himself and he would grin at me, say something sexy, before leaning forward and kissing me. Zack and Rian would tell us to get a room and all would be perfect. 

But no, there was no sign of either boys and I knew that this had to be in fact reality. Even if it was extremely confusing. I didn't answer Rian's question so he took it upon himself to get me a drink anyway, he handed it over to me as I stared at it contemplatively.

"I don't understand why you even let me in," I speak out, addressing the question that has been circling around my head for the last few minutes now.

As soon as I say this, Rian's smile deteriorated and he took a step backward as if trying to figure out the answer to this question himself.

It was quite a long silence until he finally told me what was on his mind. "The letter you gave Jack, I'm sorry Alex but I read it," he cringed, looking back at me as if he was afraid I'd go mental or something.

I just nodded, not really having any reaction to this news. It didn't bother me and heck, I kind of expected as much. It's not like we were kids playing gossip in the playground. Rian was my friend, why wouldn't he be allowed to see that letter?

He carried on, a little relieved that I didn't act angry. "Jack hasn't though, I told him to read it because maybe it might make things better but he refuses to. He's left it in its envelope still."

I can feel the disappointment and hurt wash over me like a high wave. It hits me with fall strength and my heart immediately drops. He didn't want to read it, that means he obviously doesn't want to forgive me, he doesn't think that whatever I say will make things better, does he?

I know Rian can read me now like a book, he wanted to comfort me somehow but no one can really do anything for me.

"You need to tell him everything properly, everything you wrote in that letter of yours, you need to say it to his face," Rian told me, "He might forgive you."

The thought of this scared me because if he rejected me it would be colder, I would have to deal with it head on and I knew it would only tear me apart even more. Would I even have any heart left afterwards? Most likely not.

"But I'll warn you, Alex. You can't have that kind of relationship with him again, he's happy with someone right now and I don't know how long it will last but you can't do anything about it. Whatever happens, let Jack be happy. Don't break his heart again."

I ran a hand through my hair, tugging on it. Again. Of course I broke his heart. That was inevitable and heck I'd never want to do it again.

"I know that. Because if I do it again then we'd both be broken," I contemplated over what would happen if we fixed things and shook my head, "Maybe that's a bad idea anyway. If he's happy now then what's the point in letting someone as fucked up as me back into his life. He doesn't need me any more."

Rian looked at me sadly, "I know for a fact that he does. I'll admit Alex that you're not perfect. But everyone has their flaws, that's normal for anyone. It's okay to be a flawed human being. But I know that from your words in that letter that this separation from Jack is killing you. I can see it in your eyes, you need to reconcile with Jack before you do something to make the wall between the two of you permanent."