Too Much of Anything

As soon as we got back from that small concert, Zack was already driving me crazy with his persistent badgering. I felt like shouting at him, or at least knocking him out so I wouldn't have to hear him talk anymore. Yes, that is mean, as he is one of my closest friends and in reality I know I'd never harm him. Still, I just wanted him to shut up at least.

"It's like he's bloody everywhere nowadays, Alex must know that sticking around like that isn't going to make it any easier for you," Zack carried on regardless of the glares I was obviously giving him.

My hands were slowly clenching into fists, and I was doing my best to try and stop myself from doing anything that I'd surely regret. Zack wasn't making this any better for me. I knew what I had to do, I had to forget him no matter what he said or did to try and win me back. It's too late to suddenly say, "Ok, Alex. I forgive you, you can come back into my sorry excuse of a life now." I thought Alex understood that, and most importantly I thought I understood it.

Somewhere deep inside of me, I knew I didn't want to. It was probably the look he gave me when I saw him on stage, the way his expression had been so full of passion, his eyes scrunched tight, those long eyelashes fluttering delicately against his skin. And then his eyes were revealed to me, swimming in the beautiful color of caramel, his voice suddenly straining when he realized who he was staring at. I was losing myself again in everything that was Alex, and both Zack and I were fully aware of it.

"Are you even listening to me?" Zack asked in my direction, stopping his incessant pacing.

I shrugged, "Not really, it's nothing I haven't heard of before."

Zack gave out an exasperating sigh, "I'm trying to help you, Jack. I'm trying to make sure you don't go running back to him. I thought maybe you'd finally stopped trying when you never read that letter but-"

I had enough, I couldn't take anymore of this, I'd tried to do everything that Zack said because I believed that he was right, and that I really shouldn't try anything to get Alex back.

"Maybe I don't need your help anymore, I never really did," I exclaimed, and as the words left my mouth I hated myself immediately.

Zack looked at me with utter shock written all over his face, then it change and distorted to a look of anger shrouded by disappointment. I knew I should never have said that, Zack had helped me, without him I don't know what I would have done for that length of time. Maybe Alex was making it worse by just appearing in my life again, yet no one knew he'd be performing a gig that I would end up seeing, that was pure chance. Alex had run away though, he didn't face me - he ran. That's what we seemed to always be doing, running away from each other. And I hated that.

In some part of me, I wanted to reconcile with Alex, I wanted to talk to him so badly. I probably would have if Zack hadn't stopped me. I'd tried my hardest to forget about that letter as well, I've looked at it, picked it up and felt the opening with my fingers, slightly ripping it just so I can see the edge of the paper inside it with the word, 'Jack' written in his messed up hand writing.

I'd throw it to the side, as if it were hot and burning my hands. Since then, it had stayed in its place by the side of my room, covered up by clothes and other things left over the last few days. I would be lying if I said the thought of it had completely left my mind, but it nearly had.

My eyes finally trailed back unwillingly to Zack's face, after being stuck in my own mind for the last few minutes. His jaw was slack, as if he were about to say something. He shut it quickly, shaking his head before storming out of the apartment.

This was the first time I had gotten into such an awful fight with Zack before. Okay, we've had our little spats, but it has never escalated this much. It's because Zack hates Alex so much now, and just the mere thought that his friend could be succumbing back to the thought of being with him was absurd. I understood what Zack was doing, but he couldn't hate Alex forever, and neither could I. At one stage, I know I did, I hated him with every fiber of my being. But now it's more sympathy I feel for him. That look on his face when his eyes met mine for that single second - it nearly broke my heart for a second time.

I had to get him out of my mind, I grabbed for my phone, typing the numbers into my phone.

"Hey, Matt. Can I see you now?"

With the knowledge that I could see someone else and forget about everything or at least try to, I left the house, not hearing the beep from my answer machine in the background.

"It's Alex. I know I shouldn't do this, Jack, but Rian gave me your address and I'm going to come round and talk to you properly. I need to talk to you and fix things, fix everything."

-

Matt's flat is not that far from Rian's at all, if you look out of the window of his living room, you can see Rian's window. Right now, those blinds were closed shut and I vaguely wondered where Rian actually was. I hadn't seen him since that gig, it's like he randomly up and disappeared.

I felt hands snaking round my shoulders, they turned me around and I was face to face with Matt again. He smiled at me, a brief smile that meant he knew he could see it. The distance in my eyes.

"What's up, love?" he muttered in my ear, and for a second I closed my eyes and fabricated a life where Matt was the only one I loved, the only one I cared for with so much yearning that my heart might explode.

But I hate playing pretend, and I hate having to hurt Matt too.

I didn't know what to say at all to Matt, I didn't even know why I wanted to come over. Maybe it was just because I wanted to see another friendly face but now I felt like running back to my apartment and locking the door. Matt kept on being so affectionate, but I never reciprocated his love. I felt like a bad person, an awful person.

"Come on, Jack. I can't help you if you won't talk to me," Matt urged me again, poking me slightly in my side.

I took a deep breath, one that made me feel like I was suffocating from doing so. But I couldn't keep on doing this, it had to be done.

"I'm sorry but I - I can't do this anymore," I started, looking down at the floor to avoid any look from him, "I thought I could but it's impossible..."

He's always on my mind.

Matt didn't react like I thought he would, but then again he wasn't a person who would get angry at anyone, no matter what the situation was. The smile on his face might have dropped, and instead he looked a little sad.

"I know, I thought so for a while. You're just too stuck in your past, aren't you?"

He was spot on.

I nodded somberly, stepping back and away from Matt. Everything just kept on turning this way, but I couldn't blame Alex. Heck, I wanted to because he was the reason why my relationships kept on getting ruined before they could even start properly. But he didn't know that, he wasn't aware of what he was doing by coming back here, by singing that beautiful song which I know meant absolutely fucking everything to him. He had no idea what he would do to me once again.

"So is this goodbye then? I don't know whether to hug you or what," Matt bit his lip, his words making me laugh just a little.

I held out my hand as he stared at in confusion, "Let's shake hands."

He snorted, his hand grasping tightly for a bit too longer than what was necessary. My hand dropped first and with a wave, and a tiny goodbye I left Matt for good.

My mind was so clouded by thoughts that I didn't notice what I was doing. I was just walking, letting my legs be the ones to lead the way. I opened the door to the exit of the complex, groaning when I felt a sudden downpour drench me wet. "Typical," I murmured under my breath, knowing that I'd have to walk a far way now with no umbrella to my stupid apartment.

From the opposite direction, someone was running. At first I couldn't make out who it was, but the person didn't have an umbrella either and they too looked drenched.

My eyes grew wide when I realized who it was, I didn't know what to do with my legs, or even the simple function of movement. I just stared, flabbergasted, as he came closer and closer until he was right opposite me, gasping for breath.

It was Rian, and he was crying his eyes out.

"Thank god I found you," he managed to say, "It's Alex, Jack. He's - oh god - I told him to wait, to not rush to find you to tell you everything but...."

I was confused and worried at the same time, "What's happened?" I try to urge out of him a proper explanation but the one I hear from him stuns me into a complete silence.

"He was rushing in the rain to find you and the ground was slippery from the rain, so his car....it crashed."