Too Much of Anything

It felt like we had taken two huge steps back, which wasn't surprising considering that Alex hardly remembered anything anymore. All of this was driving me insane, I couldn't figure out how to bring Alex back, the idea of kissing him was silly in itself, but what else could I have done? That hadn't worked anyway, and Alex was still the same. He hadn't changed at all and I knew I was about to regret what I had done any minute now.

After his reaction I really didn't know what to do. My first instincts were to run as fast as I possibly could, but Alex was alone in all of this and I couldn't do that to him. If circumstances were different then maybe I would have. But I never moved from where I was stood, my body tensed and rigid. Also, at this stage Alex wouldn't even have thought of a relationship between the two of us being possible, which explained a lot really, as he wouldn't stop gaping at me.

I wanted to do something to remove the awkwardness that was beginning to pollute the air, but even I had been reduced to a silent mess. In my head, I was going crazy, shouting and swearing and blaming myself for being such an idiot. On the outside, I might have looked a little more composed, but that's because I was trying so desperately hard to fake it.

From the way Alex was looking at me, I knew he wanted some kind of explanation, but I didn't know how to give it to him. How am I supposed to tell him why I kissed him? I was hoping he'd maybe get the gist somehow, because he wasn't stupid. He shifted from one foot to the other, his head lowering as he looked at his battered converses.

I was waiting for him to say something only his Casanova personality would say, surprisingly he stayed quiet, which was a first for him.

"Why don't we just forget that even happened, alright?" I suggested, grabbing my keys out of my pocket as I readied myself to leave the shop. I wanted to go home and forget this even happened.

Alex didn't seem to agree with my request, he shook his head, his eyes scrunching tight. "No, wait," he bit his lip, seeming to be deep in thought, "There's something..."

I didn't have a clue what he was talking about but his behavior was a little odd. He wasn't acting how I suspected him to and his features were turning paler with some sort of recognition.

"I think I - " he paused, looking at me now with uncertainty, "Has this ever happened before?"

I froze immediately, my mind and body suddenly going numb. How was I supposed to respond to that? It made me wonder though, had that kiss triggered something after all? A feeling of hope burst inside of me and for a second, I thought that getting Alex back completely wasn't as far out of reach as I thought it was.

"Why would you say that?" I asked casually, trying to pretend that this didn't bother me even though I was the definition of curious.

"I don't know, it just felt kind of familiar," he answered, his expression changing as he began to laugh slightly, "Which is impossible because why would we ever kiss?"

Even though he didn't understand anything, and he didn't know how much that would hurt me, I still felt a little bit of that hatred for him that Zack had managed to put in my head for so long. He didn't know and deep down it wasn't his fault. But still, I hated him for even saying that. Why? That was a ridiculous question. I thought we were in love, two teenagers in love that felt so eternal. I realize now thinking in that way only leads to disappointment.

I had been in my own little world for the last few seconds, and now Alex's eyebrow was raised, a smirk hinting on his lips. "Why did you kiss me anyway?"

Even though there was light shining around the dimly lit shop, I swear I saw two red horns on either side of his head. In front of me was a little demon, however, he had know clue what his words were doing to me. Or maybe he did and he found all of this hilariously funny.

I run a hand through my hair in exasperation. All of this was driving me insane. Alex took one step forward, tilting his head in a questioning way.

"So?" he urged me on, "What is it? Are you in love with me?"

Again, anger was boiling inside of me until it came to its absolute peak. It was anger for Alex doing everything he did, anger for him coming back to me and trying to make me think he still loved me, anger for him suddenly disappearing out of my reach and hatred for him retreating back into this person. This Alex made me sick and it made me so sad too.

The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them, I couldn't take it anymore. "Fuck off, Alex! You have no idea what you're saying right now, you have no clue! So just drop the bloody subject!"

That smirk on his face disappeared in an instant, he also looked like he was about to cry too. I felt bad about yelling at him like this, but I couldn't stop myself. I breathed in and out, trying to calm myself down from that sudden outburst which had been long over due.

Alex was staring at me as if I was a completely different person, and in some aspects, I was. I wasn't the eighteen year old that he knew, I'd matured and changed so much because of everything that had happened to me. If none of that mess had happened when I was younger, maybe I would be different now. But I didn't know that, I didn't know whether I would have been better off not knowing about my feelings for Alex.

Maybe falling in love with him was the worst thing I'd ever done. It was too late though, with Alex always around me it was so hard to forget. Now I understand in some ways why Zack didn't want him near me.

I was shaking and my eyes were already beginning to blur up until my vision became fuzzy. Alex was concerned, I could see it written all over his face. I didn't want him to look at me like that, I didn't want him to look at me at all.

"I'm sorry," Alex finally muttered over the deadly silence of the room, "I'm so sorry, please don't hate me."

With this, Alex to me seemed like a child. He was scared, I could tell. He was afraid that I'd hate on him like Zack did and he wouldn't have anything else to call home in this place. He didn't even to need to admit this and I could read him so easily. I guess that had never changed, from start to finish of our involvement with each other, I knew Alex more than I knew myself.

"I don't hate you," I ushered, "I could never hate you."

-

The ride home was deadly silent and it made me feel like we were going back home to meet our deaths. Neither Alex or I had talked since we were at the shop but we kept on meeting each other's gaze once in a while. I was driving back to my apartment, and although I had put the radio on in attempt to forget about what had just happened, I really couldn't.

Alex wouldn't stop staring at me, I know he was doing it as subtly as he could, but it's not like I wouldn't notice him doing it. I felt on edge and that only made me stressed out as I was supposed to be driving too. If he wanted to say something, he should say it.

He already apologized to me many times over, even though I told him it was alright and that I really didn't hate him. The only time we ever talked in that drive back was when our knees accidentally bumped together and Alex apologized to me again. (I couldn't ignore the little surge of electricity that spread through me from that simple connection)

I was so glad when I got out of that car, a sigh leaving my lips as we made our way to my apartment, the door slightly already ajar. I couldn't see Zack anywhere, but I could hear his music murmuring through the walls of his bedroom.

I decided not to call and say we were back, mostly because the last time we said anything to each other it ended with me practically kicking him out. This was a shared apartment between the two of us, I shouldn't have done that. But still, he had angered me and that had been the result. It seems all I am is angry now.

Alex finally spoke up, bringing me out of my own thoughts, "You've got a message on your answer machine." He pointed towards it as I shrugged in response.

"It's fine, just leave it," was my short response as I walked towards the sanctuary of my own room, "I'm going to have a rest, I'm knackered."

I didn't look at him as I opened the door to my room and I knew this probably hurt him. But I didn't want to think of that right now. I shut the door behind me, collapsing down onto my bed. If only things were more simple and not like this. I know it's selfish and so uncalled for but I wished that I had been the one to lose all my memories of those horrible days back when we were teenagers.

I laid back on my bed, turning my head slightly until something caught my eye. There it was. That letter stuck beneath piles of clothes and other things. I found myself staring at it, unable to look away. I sat up straight, contemplating whether to open it. I knew I shouldn't, but it seemed like it was calling me now, just waiting to be opened.

Without a second's thought, I grabbed it feeling the paper beneath my fingers. I stared at Alex's handwriting: Jack Barakat written fluidly in writing that was just so completely Alex. My hand grazed across the top of it and before I knew it, I was tearing at it, the letter now open and in my hands.

I didn't start reading it at first, I only noticed the blotches of where tears had made the writing almost unfathomable. There were a few coffee stains here and there, and there were crinkles on the edges of the paper. The first line caught my eye and I was reading it and I couldn't stop.

Many times while reading it I had been tempted to throw it away, to rip it up and not carry on. My heart felt like it was trying to escape my body, almost as if it wasn't even mine anymore. My eyes were betraying me, and I could feel tears pricking at my skin, hot and salty. I had done my best not to cry for so long and here I was, on the verge to breaking at the seams.

I wonder, do you ever think of me? Do you ever look back and wonder: where did it all go wrong?

Of course I do, Alex. All of the time. He had no clue whatsoever how much my mind was plagued by the thoughts of him. I had tried countless of times to move on (with help from Zack, Rian and even Matt) but nothing ever worked.

The moment that he had me, he had me forever. I don't think I'd ever be able to not think of him. Where did it go wrong? As soon as we made that bet, as soon as that line was crossed between friendship and more was when it all went downhill. If I had never discovered that I could feel this way towards Alex, then maybe we'd still be friends now.

The last few lines were what hit me the most. Alex admitted that I was the one who won the bet. I always assumed that it had been me but now, according to Alex, he really did fall for me.

He was in love with me.

But I want you to know that I never meant any of the things I said. I didn't win the bet, Jack. You did. I was and still am the one crazily in love with you.

I missed Alex so much.

I scrunched the letter up in my hands, folding it and putting it inside my pocket. My mind was running through his words and I knew that I didn't regret reading it at all. Alex loved me. Alex still loved me.

Unknown to me, Alex had been watching me from the door, his mind in a far away place.