Too Much of Anything

The room was deadly silent and even though I was far away from Jack now, far away from his probing majestic eyes and his mouth, slightly parted and bruised from that kiss we shared, I couldn't get it out of my mind. It had been confusing and mind-boggling to think that not that long ago I thought that such feelings for Jack couldn't be possible. But here I was, hands raking through my hair, pulling with exhaustion from the fact that I had run away from Jack - even though I really hadn't intended to.

Just now, sitting on Rian's sofa as he went into the kitchen and made some tea, I had a sudden realisation that sent me into a fit of terror. From Jack's perspective, it probably looked like I had escaped from him, maybe because of that kiss.

God knows what he thought, he'd probably jumped to conclusions, decided the reason I had pushed him away was because that kiss wasn't right, and in fact, it really shouldn't have been right at all. There should have been some part of me that felt almost disgusted with what happened, but in reality, it didn't feel like that at all.
Being intimate with Jack was different, it wasn't like how I used to be with girls, having sex with them didn't mean anything, plus, I never got to the stage where my touches and their touches were so intimate. Of course, that is until now. That simple initiation made my heart swell and my mind explode with so much emotion that I couldn't contain it.

It was foreign and it should be wrong, all of this should be so horribly wrong - but it wasn't. It was the best I'd ever felt in my whole life. I sighed exasperatingly, watching Rian surface from the kitchen, two cups in his hands and a gentle smile across his face. Even now, Jack's face wouldn't go away, he always seemed to be there, his image stuck behind my eyes.

Rian handed me the cup of tea and I took it obligingly, humming lowly to myself, eyes cast around every object in the room. I was starting to regret coming here, I was starting to regret mentioning any of this to Rian at all.

But then again, I really needed help and Rian was always there in the past, eyes wide and curious, ready to say words of encouragement that I desperately needed. He'd already heard my confession over the phone, so what else could I do? There was no way of turning back now, I had to face Rian - and I had to face these unknown thoughts of mine.

He took a sip of his tea, eyes meeting mine for a split second until I looked away. "So," he started, "Do you want to talk about it?"

No, actually, I really didn't. What I wanted right now was to run away - again. I wanted to get far away from here, some place where I didn't have to deal with all of this. But most of all, I wanted to be the twenty three year old Alex, not the Alex stuck inside a shell that wasn't and couldn't possibly be his. I was a stranger to everything around me, even the people I called friends. Nothing was right.

But I had to say something, I had so many questions inside my head that couldn't be left unanswered. If I walked away from all of this, like a coward, then nothing would be solved. All I'd be is a walking puzzle, with nothing left to call home.

"I'm just - I just don't understand how things could turn out like this. Jack and I - there wasn't supposed to be a Jack and I. We're supposed to be friends, and that should have been it," My words came out jumbled, incoherent and so very lost.

Rian looked at me sympathetically, but there was a glint in his eye that explained something more, something I couldn't quite put my finger on.

"Nothing ever turns out how you planned it, life's like that Alex. Things like this always happen and they might be strange and scary and unknown to you. But both of you, I've never seen two people so involved in each other that they can never get away, no matter how hard they try," Rian's answer didn't make sense in my mind, but somewhere deep down, I felt something stir, something wake up in response.

I wanted to know everything, I wanted to know what I did to be pushed away by my friends, how Jack and I even got together in the first place and why I feel so incredibly sad.

My mind dragged back to that letter Jack was reading, the one where he cried his whole heart out until there was no tears left in his eyes, nothing but sadness crawling from the background, overwhelming everything else until there was nothing else left.

"I saw him reading this letter the other day. I didn't see what it was but I - " I stopped short, words stuck inside my throat.

However, I didn't have to say anything more as Rian seemed to know what I was talking about. He leaned forward in his seat, in a way that made it seem that he was close to falling off it.

"That's it Alex! That is the key to finding out everything, I'm sure if you read it will trigger your memories."

Hope surged through me at this remark and now I was determined to get it, anyway I could.

Stop, please don't! Don't do it, I'm begging you. That letter will only bring you back into misery, if you read it, if you remember, you'll lose everything. You'll lose him

A small smile spread across my lips as I stood up suddenly, attacking Rian with a hug that caught him off guard. "Thank you," I said over and over until he finally accepted my gratitude, peeling me off of him.

-

As I opened the door into Jack's apartment, I peered inside noticing how it was deadly quiet, almost too quiet. I paid no attention to this, stretching my arms up and passing the living room - until something caught my eye. I smiled walking over to where Jack was resting on the couch, his legs taking up the whole space.

I stared down at him, watching his chest move up and down peacefully and the little snores escaping his mouth. I got down on my knees, so close to him that I could feel his breath on my cheek. I was mesmerised, even though I didn't exactly know why, but I couldn't look away from him. From the corner of my eye, I could see what I had been looking for. That letter, still stuck in his pocket, folded over to fit. I gingerly pulled it out, fingers scraping over the paper.

Something inside of me didn't want me to read it, it was telling me to run away, to get out of this before I lost it. But curiosity over came me, and I had already unfolded the paper, my eyes drawn to the handwriting which looked exactly the same as my own.

It was mine, most certainly. And those tears staining the paper - they were mine.

As I began to read, images and words exploded in my mind, an on-going flashback, wrong in order and slightly distorted taking over everything that I thought I knew.

Love, that's what it was. That's the feeling I had felt for Jack for a while, it had taken over me, taken away everything else that I thought was right, that Alex the Casanova was absolute. It was all so wrong, so backward.

"Jack and I won't split up, even if we did we'd still stay best friends either way."

Why was I so stupid as to ruin everything we had just because of this lingering doubt - because of what a fucking stranger said. Why am I such a fucking idiot?

"How could you do that to me, Alex? You're best friend. That is it, I never want to see you again, got it? Goodbye Alex."

Don't say that, don't. If you leave me I'll die. I'll die. Don't leave me here all alone.

Please don't.

Eyes blinking back tears, I dropped the letter on the floor, my throat feeling like something was pressing down on my wind pipe until I couldn't breathe anymore. My hands shook uncontrollably and I couldn't even look down at Jack now, because I didn't have the right to. It was a struggle to move, but I finally did it, my legs moved slowly, aching and screaming at me to stay.

But I couldn't. This was way too much for me to handle. I passed by Jack, heading over to where the hallway was, where my way out was only a few steps away. A red light from beside me resonated in the darkness of the room, and I remembered that message that Jack didn't want to hear, didn't want to play.

I reached out for the play button and there it was, my voice and the sound of cars around me screeching in the background.

"It's Alex. I don't care about any of this anymore, I need to see you Jack. I need to, I hate myself for everything I did, I really do. But without you, my life doesn't have any meaning, I'm better off dead. If you don't want me, I don't care. I'll storm into your apartment, I will, because I need you, Jack. I need you," the line cut off abruptly and all that was left was uncomfortable silence.