Too Much of Anything

As my eyes adjusted to the morning sunshine bursting through the open window, I felt a strange feeling come over me. I couldn't quite place it, but something didn't quite feel right - emptiness loomed over my head and as I glanced around me, noticing I wasn't in my room, like I should be, something finally clicked. I sat up straight, eyes widening a little, a question spinning around in my head relentlessly: where is Alex?

At first, I couldn't quite remember why I had fallen asleep on the couch rather than in my comfortable bed, because this was where Alex was supposed to sleep, ever since he got into that accident this had been our arrangement. I was confused, wondering where Alex had gone to - and maybe I was overreacting.

The feeling of tiredness began to lift, memories of yesterday flooding back into my head. I'd spent ages trying to figure out the reason to why Alex ran out and each time I came up short. But as I began to think about it more, my imagination began to think up excuses that made my heartache and even though Alex may have initiated a kiss (which in that moment, I'd been ecstatic about, albeit surprised) his reaction afterwards wasn't one that I had hoped.

I didn't understand it, if he kissed me, if he was the one that actually started it then why was he running away? I wish he had stayed, if he was confused, then we could have talked it out. But it was like the guy had jet backs on the back of his feet - I couldn't catch him in time. I should have ran out after him, but something kept me there, secluded in my room with a fear creeping up my spine.

I'd been filled with so much hope recently, but now that hope was beginning to drain and I was now thinking differently about this whole situation. Alex couldn't love me, maybe it just wasn't possible anymore. And in some ways, I could see what was happening in his own mind. The Alex that's with me isn't the one that I fell in love with, he doesn't know that he's capable of such a thing. This Alex is probably scared of the prospect of love, rather than having any sort of feelings for his best friend.

But now, the thought of him having left me here makes it all worse and I have to stop myself from sinking into depression, which I've nearly succumbed to many times since this whole mess started. What I wanted now was for him to walk past me in the hallway, a smile on his face like none of this ever happened, and heck, if he were to walk in hair messed up and clothes crumpled then it would feel like we were back to how things should be. It would be so nice if none of this was real.

However, in the next few seconds no one walks in, there's nothing else that stirs in the apartment but the sound of something coming from Zack's room - a gentle sound of breathing in and out indicating that Zack's still asleep. Hearing this, I suddenly feel ten times worse.

Zack's been avoiding me for a few days now and in return, I had been avoiding him too. I never wanted it to become like this, but I didn't know how to face Zack. I knew I had to, in the end, because Zack was someone I saw as one of my closest friends and pretending that he didn't exist was undeniably cruel. Besides, after our spat he hadn't left his room from what I've seen and if this goes on he'd probably turn into a hermit, and I wasn't mean enough to let that happen.

With this in mind, I stood up on my feet, and realized as my stomach rumbles that I didn't eat much at all yesterday. I didn't consider getting anything to eat, so I ignored the sounds of the insistent complaining of my stomach as I walked (more like trudged) towards Zack's closed doors.

I thought briefly about our fight, the scene playing out like a recording in my head. I didn't even know what I was going to say to him: 'Hey, Zack. Sorry for being an ass and pushing you away even though you were only trying to help me?' He'd probably shove me right back out - or hit me - in some ways I kind of wanted him to do that. Because even if I still didn't want to admit it, he was right about a few things. I really did need to move on, and still hopelessly pining over Alex was only making things worse for me, it was tearing my heart apart, and I couldn't take that.

But I wished Zack understood that even so, I couldn't just leave him. He needed me, and that was more important than the state of me. I wasn't so heartless to leave someone alone in the world, and without any memories aside from the ones of five years prior. I couldn't do that, it didn't matter if Zack thought that would be the best thing for me. I'd never do that to Alex.

I hovered behind Zack's door, contemplating whether it would be a good idea to go in after all. I didn't know how Zack would react, and I wanted all of my facial features intact, thank you. But I knew that if I put this off now then I'd probably never be able to summon the courage to do this again and if I did that then Zack would be lost to me, and for good this time.

I had to do this, even if every fiber of my being was screaming at me to take a step back and run like the wind, I couldn't stop what I was set out to do. So, with this thought in mind I took a deep breath, trying to get that nauseous feeling to dissipate (it felt like someone had shoved their hand down my throat and were in the process of dragging my lungs out).

My hands clutched the handle and I ignored the nagging in my brain shouting over and over to stop, stop, don't do it, go back now. Before I knew it, the door was opened and with this act I really couldn't run away. I peered around the door slowly, hands still hovering over it as I waited for something to come - maybe a punch to the eye or something flying towards me before it knocked me out - but nothing came.

Instead, I was left with silence. My eyes scanned the room and soon after I realized that Zack wasn't sleeping at all, instead his back was facing me and he was slumped in a sofa staring out into space. It seemed like he hadn't notice my presence, so I had to let my presence be known.

"Zack," I started, taking a step forward. I knew that Zack had heard me when his shoulders tensed at his name and his hands clenched into fists.

However, he didn't bother to turn towards me. He was expecting me to say something more, but now that my brain needed words, I was struggling to sum up what I was really thinking. As the silence continued, Zack finally gave up on waiting and faced me.

The guy looked wrecked, black bags underneath his eyes, which also lacked any sort of life or vitality in color. I suddenly felt like an awful person because I had pushed him away, and this is how he had dealt with it. And I hadn't even bothered to check if he was alright. I was an awful friend, a truly awful one.

Zack raised his eyebrow, snarling at me. "What do you want, Jack?" The way he said my name made him sound exhausted and fed up.

I edged closer towards him, but did it cautiously just in case he snapped at me suddenly and lunged at me. He didn't do anything of the sort, and I sat down on his bed (which looked like it hadn't been slept in too). His gaze surveyed me and the anger that had fueled him was subsiding.

"I kind of wanted to apologize," I confessed, "And fix this tension between the two of us. I want us to be friends again."

A flash of emotion came across Zack's face - one that didn't make much sense to me - but it died away quickly and now he was looking at me blankly.

"Okay then, go on."

He was still pissed at me, obviously. But he was also giving me a chance, I had to be careful what I said, I didn't want to sabotage everything once again.

"Sorry," I apologized sincerely, "For everything. For being a dick to you when you were only trying to help and for pushing you away. I didn't want to ever do that."

I couldn't tell whether he accepted this apology, as he didn't react to it. He just outright stared at me, his eyes piercing mine. That red hot fury had disappeared though, and now his gaze was drawn to the carpet floor. "So did letting Alex back in prove to be a bad idea?"

There was nothing I could say to that because deep down, I was beginning to worry that it was. My silence seemed to answer his question for me, as he was now nodding, looking like he understood even though he didn't understand at all.

But I had to fix this, I didn't like how Zack thought Alex was now the devil's spawn. He was good. I was sure he was.

"Alex hasn't done anything though, and I do think there's more to what happened than he lets on," my mind dragged back to the letter, the words he spoke engraved in me.

I felt like I knew Alex a little better, better than I had when we were best friends.

I was expecting Zack to shout at me, tell me how wrong I was and how stupid I was for saying that there was any hope for Alex at all. But he did neither of these things, he actually said something rather unexpected. "Can we just promise for now then not to speak of Alex? I'll try to be a bit more civil but I'm not the same as you, Jack. I can't let him back in so easily."

I wanted to know what he meant behind those words, because there was something he was definitely hiding from me. It was the way he spoke them, careful and controlled, choosing his words carefully to make sure he didn't let something slip that he wasn't supposed to say. But I didn't question it, I only agreed to his terms, taking my chances and throwing an arm around his shoulders, before bringing him into a hug.

"Alright, I'll do that. But I think you really need to sleep - maybe for a week," I pulled away and I was filled with relief when I noticed he was smiling at me, something I hadn't seen for what felt like years. I grinned in response, glad to have my friend back - and hopefully permanently this time.

-

It was proved that Zack really did need some sleep, because only a few seconds later he was snoring on my shoulder. I left him alone to catch up on his much needed shut eye, closing the door gently behind me as to not make any sound. As I turned around, I saw something catch my eye and there was Alex - who I had been positive for a while had disappeared.

He froze from where he was standing, hovering in the kitchen, one hand still in the freezer. I shook my head, heading towards him as I crept up behind him as he didn't seem to notice me yet. Before he knew it, my fingers pinched his waist and he jumped in surprise, the ice cream which he had stolen for the fridge falling out of his hands and onto the floor.

"Don't do that, you dick!" he punched me in the stomach but not hard enough for it to hurt as I chuckled at him.

This was really weird though, I should have been shaking with nerves, my mind should be spiraling around with questions as to why he ran out, what made him kiss me, and where he disappeared off to. But Alex was acting content, as if none of this ever happened.

"You're not going to apologize? God, you are a major dick. You're the King of Dicks," he laughed loudly at his own joke, crouching down as he picked up his ice cream (Ben & Jerry's) and scooped one portion into his mouth. His eyes rolled back in delight, words like: 'damn, this is gorgeous, Jacky' falling out of his mouth.

There was also another thing too, he was acting different. Really different.

"Aren't you going to give some to me?" I asked, pouting.

This didn't seem to work as he was now holding the tub close to his chest, shaking his head and saying, "Mine," over and over as I chased him about the room, begging for one scoop and feeling ridiculously childish.

I finally caught him, and the ice cream dropped again, this time actually smothering the carpet in sticky ice cream goo. Zack would go mental if he saw this, he'd probably take back everything that just happened and how we fixed everything - he'd probably go back to loathing me again.

But that wasn't on my mind for too long though, the position that Alex and I had managed to get ourselves in was the thing that was plaguing my mind the most. My arms were lingering at his sides, and we were way too close to each other that one more step would mean that there would be no gaps at all.

I could feel his heavy breathing so close to me, and his eyes were scanning my own, widening with a sudden panic that made him take a very rushed step back. My brow furrowed when I saw the look of sadness taking over his features, and that happiness and mischief was now long gone. He actually looked like he was about to burst into tears right in front of me.

My hands reached out again in a comforting way, asking him concerned, "What's wrong?"

He shook his head vigorously, trying to fix his composure. "It's fine, I'm fine. Don't worry, Jack."

He wasn't fine. I could tell that so easily, but he didn't want to let me know, so I left it at that.