Too Much of Anything

I couldn't believe what I was doing, I was truly a horrible person and I should have learned from my past mistakes that lying and acting like everything was okay when it really wasn't would only lead me into more trouble. But I was scared, as soon as my memories came flooding back to me I didn't know what to do with them.

It was that message on Jack's answer phone that brought everything back and as soon as it finished, I was no longer an eighteen year old stuck inside an adult's body, and I wished so badly that I had taken Jack's advice the first time when he told me that I wouldn't want to remember anything. Because I really didn't, the knowledge of what I did and the sorrow and depression which I had sunk into made me hate myself again, made me think that the best thing to do was run as fast as possible.

I was always running all the time because I wasn't brave enough to face Jack, to face the mess that I had created. Somehow, I couldn't, I didn't leave and at first, I told myself that I'd tell Jack. It took me a while to think over what I would say to him in my head, because I knew he had read my letter already and maybe his opinion of me really had changed for the better.

But then, what would happen if the relationship that was blossoming between the two of us disappeared? We weren't completely like before, but Jack and I were beginning to share some sort of bond again. I didn't want that to go, I wanted to be close to Jack like this. So I decided, and I never told Jack anything at all. I pretended like nothing had changed, like my mind was still young and that I had no knowledge of the last five years I had experienced.

And that was another thing, those last five years only made me feel worse. Before I didn't want to think about what I had done in those years away from Jack, but now that I had remembered them all over again, I could never forget them. None of this should have been right, and I hated the fact that I was, in some ways, lying to Jack. But then, I also didn't care.

I wanted this - I wanted Jack, and I couldn't bare the thought of losing him again. So, I went along with it, acted like I was okay and nothing was different.

I should have known, I shouldn't have been so stupid as to think that something wouldn't happen to ruin it. But it had to come in the form of Vinny, right after the words: I love you had escaped from my mouth.

I was drunk at the time, off my head and not because I was trying to destroy the negative feelings clouding my mind and the lump residing in my throat. I was trying to have fun, for once in my life. I meant what I told Jack, each word was true and even though Jack was looking at me as if what I had just said was preposterous, his look hadn't deterred me. If Vinny hadn't appeared at that time, maybe I would have finally told Jack everything my own way, instead of him finding out by himself.

Now, however, I didn't know what to do. The grin that had spread across Vinny's face when he had seen me was fading because I hadn't exactly reacted to his greeting (except from the fact that I probably looked like I was scared to see him than anything). Zack was being suspicious beside me now, and he obviously had let on to the fact that I knew Vinny (the twenty-three year old me). He probably recognized him, they saw him at that gig I played and maybe that's why Zack looked pleased because of all of this. He had figured out all of it, he knew that I had my memories, and from the brief glance towards his direction, the look on his face confirmed my suspicions.

Vinny frowned, finally asking me, "Why are you acting so weird, Alex?"

Pretending I had no clue who Vinny was would be too cruel. The guy had helped me through those years, especially when I was close to sinking rock bottom. If I kept this up, I'd lose a valuable friend once again. I couldn't let that happen.

I shook my head and I knew that this was it. Game over. What ever happened next would be up to fate, I hoped to God that when Jack finally caught on with the fact that I had regained my memories he wouldn't have another reason to hate me. I hadn't lied though. I wasn't lying to him.

"Sorry, Vinny," I smiled weakly, turning towards Jack, Rian and Zack, but tried to avoid their gaze as much as possible. "This is Vinny, he's a friend of mine."

And what else could I say about him? Jack was now staring at him and at me in confusion. Maybe he was being slow but Rian finally understood. His eyes were on me too, but instead of the sheer hatred that I was being glared at by Zack, he was only concerned for me. He was always too kind to me, even when I didn't deserve it.

Vinny seemed to have no clue what was going on, he was being oblivious to it all. His attention was on me again and he grinned like none of this was wrong in the slightest. "You know there's a gig lined up for you soon, right?" he reminded me.

I nodded, "Yeah, I know."

He started talking about something again, and I had mostly drowned it all out and all I heard was murmurs of what he was saying. My mind was more focused on the hitch in Jack's breathing and I knew that he had figured it out now. The end.

Vinny said goodbye a few minutes later and I waved him goodbye, not wanting to turn around and face the others. A hand was on my shoulder, and I thought at first it was Jack, and maybe he knew all along that I was faking it and maybe he understood, maybe he could sympathize. Yeah, like that was possible.

It wasn't Jack anyway, surprisingly it was Zack. His grip on my shoulder tightened and as I turned around I expected him to punch me suddenly. He did nothing of the sort though.

"I think I need to talk to you," he told me, and my brow furrowed, not understanding what there was to talk about with Zack.

It was Jack I wanted to desperately talk to, I didn't want to let this silence linger, if I did then it would only cover over us and drown out the hope that there was a chance that I could fix this. My eyes wandered over to the other man, and he was looking at me disbelievingly, before he looked away, saying nothing. Jack wouldn't look me in the eye.

Zack pulled on my shirt, and my head was beginning to hurt from the alcohol and from all of this confusion. I wasn't even sure if I'd remember all of this by tomorrow, maybe I wasn't as intoxicated as that, but I wish I was.

"Okay," I agreed and he steered me away from Rian and Jack until we were a little bit out of sight.

He stopped walking at an alleyway and the next thing I knew he had finally hit me square in the jaw. The contact made my ears ring, and I was shocked because I had expected that, I'd expected it for a while, but motherfucker, did it hurt.

"You fucking bastard," he swore, his hands shaking, slightly red from the contact with my face.

I thought it would be Jack who punched me, but no, all of the hatred that Zack felt for me was now coming out into the open. And I took it all in.

"You remembered all along, didn't you?! I was right, you sick, sick bastard," and with this, I assumed he was going to hit me again, because his hands were turning to fists the second time round, and he was walking towards me, a vengeance in his eyes.

I lifted my hands in front of me to stop him, panic running through my veins. "No, wait, you don't understand! I did forget, but I recently remembered. I wanted to tell Jack, I did."

He halted in his tracks, thinking this over. I wasn't a hundred percent certain he'd believe this, even if it was true. But he was no longer about to punch me again, so I must have succeeded in some aspect.

I couldn't really understand why Zack was getting more pissed off about all of this than anything. It should have been Jack. But I never really knew why he hated me so much, and maybe it was time that I found out.

"You really hate me, don't you?" It wasn't a question, this knowledge had become a fact by now.

He scoffed. "You think?"

"Why? I mean, I can understand if you were Jack, but you're not. What have I ever done to you?" I finally asked, courage seeping through me, for once.

Zack's eyes glazed over, and his body tensed automatically, the topic seeming to be something that he had been trying to avoid himself. But we were going to talk about this, I wanted to sort this whole hatred thing Zack had for me. We were friends once, and I knew that maybe we wouldn't be able to go back to that time, but if we could at least fix this, then that would be better than him wanting to kill me.

"Why do you have to ask me that? You know why," he told me, only making me even more confused than I was previously.

"I really don't," I assured him and I took a step backward, just in case he felt like hitting me again to make me remember why he hated me.

During that time when I had fucked up my relationship with Jack, I had gone to Zack in the dead of night and one thing led to another and we were making out. My reasons for that was because I was drunk and Zack was just there. I felt terrible for it afterwards, but that couldn't have possibly been the only reason he hated me. Or maybe he hated me because of what I did to Jack, but then that didn't make any sense.

"Well, what happened that night you came around, Alex?" he questioned, now extremely close to me, but this time he had no intention in hurting me. He was waiting for me to say the right thing, to tell him what he wanted to hear. But I had no clue what else I could have possibly done.

"We kissed," I answered, "That was it."

His eyes blew wide, before they became small again and darker and lifeless. He shook his head, his hand pressing down on my jugular.

"Wrong," he whispered.

He was going to kill me, wasn't he? This would be it, I'd finally get what I deserved and then I'd be dead. I wasn't even trying to push him off me, because I didn't want to. Maybe the idea of dying just wasn't scary anymore.

"We had sex, Alex, and you don't even fucking remember that, do you? You were my first," his voice cracked before he steadied his breathing again, "And you used me, you used me for Jack. Can't you understand how that feels? Don't you have any soul in you?"

I was speechless, for the most part. From what I remembered of that night (even though a lot of it was blurred and distorted) it hadn't led to that. According to Zack, it did, and apparently it had affected him deeply.

That whole night had been one whole mistake, and I was drunk for Christ sake, I had no idea what I was doing. But now, five years later with the knowledge of what I had really done, I was sure that maybe at that time, I didn't have a soul and now, I'd probably lost what was left of my already damaged heart.

I wanted to say something, but what could I say? I'm sorry wouldn't cut it because Zack wouldn't believe a word of it and that couldn't change it.

Zack hadn't finished though, his fingers had pressed off of my jugular now, but the pressure hadn't lifted at all. "And then, when Jack finds out and he's absolutely broken, I have to look after him because his best friend has turned him into a right mess. I had Jack for a while, he was mine and then you...you come back acting like you can just come back and steal him from me? You're mad, you heartless son of a bitch."

I wasn't heartless. He couldn't call me that because he didn't know. He didn't know how I felt after all of that, what I went through until now. He didn't know of the nights where I never slept, of the days where I would feel like I was worthless and I would act that way too. He had no clue whatsoever about the state of my heart, and that angered me.

But what was more important was the fact that Zack had literally confessed to me that he now had feelings for Jack too, of some sort. And that I could not stand. He couldn't have Jack, not when I was close to having him again. I'd steal him away, whatever it takes.

"I don't remember what happened, truthfully I don't. And I'm sorry for what I did to you and if you knew what I went through because of how awful I felt in these past few years, then you'd understand. But you can't have Jack, I won't let you take him from me," I pushed him away from me, trying to walk away and not feel like I was about to be sick.

The prospect of being friends with Zack again was thrown out of the window. That wasn't going to happen anymore, not now that he wanted Jack too. Maybe he would always hate me and maybe I had finally given him a reason to hate me forever.

I was out in the open now and I could see Jack with Rian, talking about something as his face contorted when he spot me. My pace quickened, afraid that maybe he'd run away from me - run to Zack.

"You remembered everything?" his voice was quiet, inaudible.

"Yeah, a few nights ago," I answered, my headache seeming to only get worse. "But what I just said to you. I meant it. I still love you, Jack, please understand that. And everything I've ever done to you, back in high school and pretending for the last few days that I still couldn't remember, I'm sorry for it all. I should never have come back to you, but I love you too much and I can't be without you."

The look on his face was ridiculously comical, he was shocked, for the most part, but he didn't seem to know how to deal with all of this information.

I could hear Zack approaching from behind me, and the jealousy of the fact that he wanted Jack like I wanted Jack was consuming me. I grabbed onto my Jack, pulling him closer to me as I whispered in his ear, "And I won't let anyone have you."

I was a terrible person.