Too Much of Anything

Now as we stumbled home, a headache already beginning to destroy what was left of my mind, I began to re-think everything that had happened - and everything I had said from the rush of it all. I regretted it now, and that was another thing I could add to the list of things I had done wrong.

After confessing nearly every little detail, Jack had only stared back at me with wide eyes, not able to say another word or wrap his head around all of this mayhem that had happened all at once. It was safe to say the walk back was awkward, Zack kept his distance, but I could feel his cold glare on me like never before and the shivers down my spine proved that Zack probably hated me more for all of this.

I was rushing ahead of them, not wanting to face any of them because my priority right now was to get home and go straight to my room and lock the door, so then maybe that could help me relive this night once again, and maybe my choices could have been better.

If I thought about it too much, then it would only make things worse and even the drunken state I had been in was no longer clinging to me as some sort of comfort. So I didn't want to talk to anyone for now, it wasn't like tomorrow would make things better and only then would I be able to face everything again.

But what I had done was really bad, and I've never been that selfish since I was teenager when I thought that true love existed whatsoever. But I wanted Jack, I wanted him to be mine again, and I had already felt that connection a few times when staying at their apartment. I didn't want to let it go, nor did I want to leave (but I knew deep down that was best, I should have left as soon as I received back all of my memories) and the idea of Jack belonging to someone else who wasn't me - it scared me.

I felt the barrier growing once again, and I vaguely knew that acting like this would only cause more trouble, but I didn't know what to do at this stage.

We finally arrived at Jack and Zack's apartment, and Jack moved in front of me, eyes glancing for one short second at me before he dug in his pockets for his keys. My mouth opened in an attempt to say something, anything at all, but I had found myself lost for words. I probably looked like a right idiot, but no one was paying much attention to me. After fumbling for the last minute trying to find his keys, Jack pulled them out as they slipped from his hand and dropped onto the floor.

Instinctively, I bent down, but the both of us did it at the same time, and as we both reached for the keys together, our eyes met properly once again and that look in his eyes proved to me that we needed to talk - there was no point in keeping things from each other any longer. I handed the keys over to him as he smiled faintly at me and unlocked the door, the four of us silently entering.

Zack pushed in front, and disappeared into his room as it slammed shut behind him. Jack stood there in the hallway helplessly, his eyes gazing at the door of Zack's room as he sighed exasperatingly. He nodded to himself, making a decision. "I'm going to go talk to him," he announced and I watched him go, wanting to pull him back because he needed to talk to me and if we left things how they were for much longer then I'd surely suffocate.

So that left Rian and I alone in the hallway, and I could feel his eyes judging me without having to turn around and look. I felt it best now if I went back to my room, even if avoiding everything wasn't a good idea at all. Before I could, however, Rian grabbed onto my shoulder, his voice laced with concern, "Alex..." He didn't say anymore, and maybe I had gone so far that he didn't know what to say. It seemed everyone had been left speechless from tonight's events.

I turned around to face him, "I don't really want to talk right now."

He wouldn't let me stay quiet, he always thinks that I needed his help but I didn't want it, I wanted to be left alone. Not that I didn't realize how he had helped me before, Rian was an amazing friend, but it seemed the one time I didn't want to talk to anyone, he wouldn't leave me be.

"I just want to be able to understand you, Alex. You're always making things worse for yourself and saying that no one can have Jack...he's not yours to keep," Rian was careful with what he was saying, he didn't want me to get mad at him, and I didn't want to get mad at him either, no matter how much that anger was writhing inside of me wanting a reason to finally let go and blow up.

I didn't know what to say to this, because deep down, he was right. What if right now Zack was admitting everything he had told me? What if he told Jack what had really happened that night between us and how much he really felt for Jack? I wanted to burst in there and pull Jack back out, but even that idea repulsed me. Jack was a human being, a human being with free will and I couldn't treat him like he was only mine - because he had never been truly mine.

There was silence between the two of us before he finally spoke up again, and it was like reality hitting me hard on the face. "Do you remember what I said to you? When you came to my apartment the first time?"

I pretended I didn't know, in fact, I didn't react whatsoever to this. Because, I did remember. I remembered it clearer than a lot of things that were still flooding back to me.

Rian carried on anyway, not seeming to know whether I remembered or not. "I said you can't have that kind of relationship with Jack again and even though I said that mostly because he was in a relationship with Matt at the time - but even now I believe it. Besides, this isn't healthy, Alex."

He was right, he was always right. But even though I knew that I should have taken his advice I didn't want to. I didn't respond to what he said, because I had nothing to say than to just silently agree.

Besides, something else caught my attention. The door to Zack's bedroom opened and out came Jack, looking a little downtrodden. "He won't even talk to me," he bit his lip solemnly before he glanced up at me. "What were you two talking about earlier? I don't understand what the hell's going on here. Why didn't you tell me that you got your memories back, Alex?"

This is what I wanted from the get go, to be able to talk to Jack properly without any interruptions and to just clear the air a bit. But contrary to that, all I wanted now was to run and hide. However, even my legs wouldn't function properly, my body was betraying me.

"I didn't want to...I was scared that I would lose you again and I can't let that happen. I can't go through those years again. I can't," and I had tried for so long to keep those memories at bay, but now they were ripping through, trying so hard to finally break me down.

Those five years without Jack were my lowest point and I was terrified that without all of this I'd surely sink back into that routine. But I knew my behavior towards Jack now - that want for him to be mine - was becoming a little obsessive, and yes, it wasn't particularly healthy.

Jack approached me cautiously, and although Rian was in the room with us, I felt like it was only the two of us. His hands grazed my cheek, the confusion washing away into what looked like sympathy.

"You'd never lose me, Alex, not again. But I just want you to be honest with me and I want you to know that I never really got over you either," he whispered to me, watching as my eyes widened at these words with a certain sadness - we always kept on doing this, running away from each other over and over again. And maybe, just maybe we would finally meet in the middle.

I don't know what this meant now, I wasn't sure whether he thought that it was okay for us to start all over again, because he never really said anything else to clarify this. He held onto me, apologies slipping out of my mouth. All I could think of was how Zack felt right now, because maybe he was overhearing all of this and maybe he had finally broken apart.