Too Much of Anything

I can't remember how long I held onto Alex like that, but as the time went by, the anger that had been stirring inside of me was beginning to simmer down, and I was left with some sort of feeling of content. However, none of this was really perfect, it hadn't been from the get go. As soon as Alex had come back to Maryland, things began to spiral out of control. And right now, the only thing that was spinning around in my head was the many warnings that I had been given about Alex, especially from Zack. 

I needed to talk to him, Zack, I mean. I wanted to be able to understand what was going on here, I felt helpless, watching my friends fight each other. I'd been praying for a while that they might become how they were before Alex and I ever dated, but that's unrealistic, I understand that. I can't force them to fix everything, no matter how much I want them to. I was always thinking that it would always be fixed by time, or maybe Zack would realise that Alex has changed, in some aspects. It had been over five years since Alex had betrayed me, and since then, he hasn't shown any of that spite and that conceited Casanova behaviour. But I wonder, was that really Alex? I know he's grown immensely, but this Alex and that Alex seem like two completely different people. 

If I close my eyes for a second, it's like none of that even happened. That's what I want to believe anyway. 

I let go of Alex gently and slowly, hearing him breathe in and out in a way to steady himself, steady his thinking. He looked up at me, a brief smile appearing on his lips before it was gone. I didn't really know what to do this time. I didn't know how to approach any of this. 

Luckily, I didn't have to break the silence and say something, Alex didn't need to either. It was Rian who spoke up about the matter at hand. 

"So, are we going to confront Zack, or not?" he asked cautiously, all eyes moving so very slowly towards the boy's door. 

From the corner of my eye, I could see Alex flinch at the thought. Whatever they had spoke about seemed to scare Alex, before it ha angered him, but now he was left with a spine-chilling sense of fear. Fear for what? I couldn't tell from just looking at him. In this case he wasn't as easy to read. 

I had tried to talk Zack already that night, but I was the only who really needed to talk to him, who could get an answer out of him. Rian wouldn't do it, because he wasn't the one that was in the centre of this mess. It was me, it had to me. 

"I'll try again," I informed them, noticing how Alex's eyes blew wide, the word "don't" on his tongue. 

My eyes glanced over at him quickly, and he took a step back, shaking his head. He looked like he had already lost me, but he hadn't. I was still here. I'd always be here.

I turned away, not looking back as I walked towards Zack's room for the second time that night. My hands reached towards the door handle, turning it as the door creaked open, and I edged my way into the room. It was like I had been struck by a sense of de ja vu. That time before, when he had practically locked himself inside here, facing the wall, his shoulders tense but his body seeming to be extremely tired. 

"Zack, hey Zack." I made myself known, cautiously getting closer. 

"Go away," is all he said in response.

I wasn't going to have a repeat of before, I wasn't going to walk away when Zack needed me. I had to make sense of this situation before my head exploded from all the confusion. 

"I'm not leaving you here to be a hermit again, it's not a very good life choice," I joked, smiling when I heard a tiny chuckle, even though it was still laced with sadness, escape his mouth. 

I was right behind him, looking down at him as he played absentmindedly with the hem of his shirt. He turned towards me, eyes red and bloodshot. And there was no sign of any hope inside of them. 

"What do you want?" he questioned, lowering his gaze. 

I frowned at this, wasn't it obvious? There was nothing else I wanted but to help him, and I might not know how to do that, but I'd give it a try. 

"What's wrong? Why do you keep on shutting yourself in here? What happened with Alex?" I think I was asking too many questions all at once, but each one needed answering. 

He signed, running a hand through his hair. "I hate how oblivious you are." 

Now that was mean and uncalled for. He couldn't deflect my question onto calling me oblivious. I wasn't oblivious, not really. I crossed my arms, raising an eyebrow at his accusation. 

"Don't change the subject, my apparent obliviousness isn't important," I instructed, but this seemed to only make that fury, so strong and so cold, fire up inside of him. 

He suddenly stood up, making me jump, vigorously shaking his head. "You don't get it, you never do. I looked after you when Alex treated you like shit, when he broke you, it was me who was there for you! And you never seemed to care about me. It was Alex, it will always be Alex. I fucking hate you, Jack. You should have picked me." 

It was safe to say I was speechless. He had spoken all of this so fast that it had to take me a few seconds afterwards to understand it. But when I did, I felt terrible. I still didn't know everything, but I didn't think I deserve to know anything more. All I knew is, Zack had been there, and I'd neglected his presence as soon as Alex came back into my life. 

"I didn't know you felt that way," my words were almost inaudible. 

"No, of course you didn't. It's because the only person you ever truly see is Alex. I could have been yours, and I wouldn't have treated you like that, ever," his hands were shaking, his breathing irregular. 

Sadly, he was right, the only person I could ever think about was Alex, even when I was dating Matt for a while. I'd ruined Zack, turned him into this. It was all my fault, all of it. 

"You have to understand that I still love Alex and I want you guys to get along at least for me. I'm sorry, Zack, but I don't..."

Zack interrupted me, "I know what you're about to say, so don't say it. You don't need to, I already knew. And I'm afraid that Alex and I getting along even a little bit is impossible for me." 

He paused, seeming to be thinking of something else he wanted to say, although, he was scared to say it. I waited patiently as he finally spoke his mind, "I can't be here anymore, I need to leave here. I need time to forget you, to forget all of this. I'd been thinking about leaving for a while, but I think now is the best time." 

No, no, no. He couldn't possibly be serious. I'd been by his side for what felt like forever. He couldn't just leave. I wouldn't be able to carry on with the thought that I had chased him away from here.

I reached out for him, maybe to shake his shoulders as a way to drill some sense into him, but as I did so, he flinched away from me. My hand stopped in mid air, two quiet seconds followed as I pulled away. 

"I don't want you to go," I knew I couldn't change his mind, "I really care about you, you know?" 

He nodded, a faint smile finally reaching his lips for what felt like days. "I know," he looked down at the ground and repeated it again. "I know." 

- 

There really wasn't anything I could do, once I came to this conclusion, I left his room, feeling worser than I had been when I feared to go in there. He slowly followed me, his arms right by his sides, tense and rigid. His eyes drifted towards me and then looked towards Rian and Alex who were in the kitchen. Alex was talking about something to Rian in a controlled quiet voice, however, when he saw the two of us, he shut up immediately. His gaze met mine and I tried to muster a smile for him, a way to say: it will be alright, I promise. 

Rian stood up immediately, "Are you okay?" This was towards Zack, not me. I didn't really know what I was feeling. 

He nodded, and I knew he was about to voice what he had told me only a few minutes ago. "Yeah,   I will be. I just wanted to tell you that -" He looked towards Alex too and for once he wasn't looking at him with hatred. He continued, "I'm going to leave here for a while, I need some space to think things over. But I'm not ditching you all, when I'm better, I'll come back." 

But when would that be? What if he never came back for the next god knows how many years? I wanted to say all of this, but I knew it wasn't my place to do so. So I said nothing. 

Although, Rian and Alex reacted to this, both in different ways. 

Rian looked shocked, the calm look that seemed to be permanent on his face finally melting away. "What? No, you can't do that!" 

Alex was biting his lip, seeming to be deep in thought. "It's all my fault, isn't it? Maybe it should be me who leaves." 

I didn't want that either, I didn't want anyone to leave. I wish we could rewind time, go right back to the very beginning where Alex would wake me up, where we would drive to school together, refusing to give a lift for Zack and Rian. We'd see them at school, and they'd be angry, but we'd all laugh and joke about it. And Alex and I wouldn't have ever been together, we'd carry on with our lives as best friends, and no one would have gotten hurt. 

I wanted that so badly, even though I loved Alex with every fibre of my being, I think we all knew fully well that it we could have the chance to repeat everything again and change it, we would. The thought of that might have sickened me, but it was true.

But we were in the present now, all of us now adults, all of us having changed from this experience. If none of this had happened, maybe Alex would still be like he was then - a Casanova. 

My eyes had widened frantically, my mouth opening to tell Alex that he was not leaving me. But Zack beat me to it. 

"No, Alex. Jack needs you here, but I swear to God, if you break him again, I'll find you, you hear me?" Zack gritted his teeth, but that hatred was not lingering in his eyes. 

Alex was taken aback by this, but he replied very quickly. "I won't. I won't let anything like that happen again."