The Voices in My Head Are Getting Louder Every Night

She opened her eyes and looked at the clock next to her bed. She groaned as she picked up the ringing phone, wondering what moron was calling her in the middle of the night. She blinked and answered the phone without looking at it. Whoever it was was about to get a piece of her mind.

“Babe,” said the voice on the other end of the line and she was silent. She couldn’t bring herself to say the things she’d wanted to say. She looked at the clock again, realizing it was near 3 in the morning. “Babe, are you there?” His voice was rasped and hoarse and there was a slowness that let her know he was drunk.

“I’m here,” she sighed. She ran her hand through her hair and yawned. “Where are you?”

“I just left Las Vegas,” he said.

“From the sound of it in bad shape,” she said. He let out a simple laugh.

“Bad bad shape,” he agreed. She heard him try to stifle a hiccup. “Baby, I’m living this life with no regrets.”

“They’ll catch you, Austin,” she said. “They’re on their way.”

“But ain’t here yet,” he said with laughter. She sighed and rolled onto her back. They had been together for a long time, but then his music took over everything. She knew things were getting bad when he was gone, and she knew he was drinking and cheating, and so she told him to call her when he was ready to be an adult. So far that call had never come, but calls like the one tonight were not uncommon.

She couldn’t say she’d never called him in the time since she left him. She called on him often, to make sure he was still alive. She couldn’t think what it would be like if all the irresponsibility finally caught him and killed him. So if ever he came up into her mind she’d call to see if he was alive or planned to settle down. No matter what she still loved him.

“How are things going for you?”

“Perfect baby, the only thing that could make things better would be you on my side.”

“I don’t need you to lie to me, Austin,” she said. “I’ve known for a long time you have a new girl whenever you need one.”

“Come on, baby. I don’t get the chance to call home very often,” he said. “Let's not spend this night fighting.”

“I’m not fighting, I’m just saying. I know you…I’ve known you for a long time. And I hope you are happy.”

“No,” he said then. “Happy comes and goes. But I’m high enough to never hit the ground.” She was silent as she listened to those words.

“Call me when you are ready to settle things and…”

“No, don’t hang up this time, baby. I can’t sleep…I can’t hide…because these voices in my head are getting louder.” She sniffed and wiped her eyes as she realized the tears starting to roll down into her hair.

“How can I help you? You don’t listen to me,” she cried. “I’ve been trying to tell you for years. You’re drowning…you’re drowning in all the…”

“In all the whiskey,” he said gently. “I miss you, baby. You always kept me above water.” She closed her eyes again and she forced a sob out of her throat. She loved him, and it killed her to listen to him speak. She wanted so much to hang up the phone, to leave it all behind and forget that she had ever loved him. But she couldn’t, because she couldn’t let him kill himself without knowing there was somebody that cared enough about him to take his late night drunken phone calls.

“What are you going to do, Austin? When the whiskey doesn’t work anymore?” she asked then. “And your life isn’t like before? This high ride isn’t going to last forever, and then what are you going to do? You are alone and you are not healthy. And I can’t be here forever, Austin. I can’t do it. I can’t take these late night phone calls and I can’t give you my heart forever. So tell me what you are going to do when that whiskey stops working and you are left to face a world that isn’t filled with blinking lights.”

He could hear the crying in her voice. He knew she was upset. But he had never given any thought to the idea of not always being on the road, moving and having a party. She was right and in its way it bothered him. She was determined to kill his fun with these questions. She was always the one that got away, and she would forever be that girl. But she was always right when he talked to her, and he knew better than to call a girl that was always right about your life.

“I’ve never thought about it.”

“I didn’t think so,” she said and took a breath. “Call me back when you have an answer.”

“Babe, don’t leave me hanging like this. I need you tonight, I need you…”

“I’ve needed you for years, Austin. But I’m done waiting. I can’t spend my life sharing you with countless girls, and a dozen bottles of Jack. I wish you the best.” She hung up the phone without allowing him the chance to answer her. There was a brief moment where she lay still in bed, thinking about the conversation. She’d have her phone number changed and she’d move on, she promised herself. But then slowly and without warning tears started to fill her eyes and she finally burst into sobbing hysteria. And as she finally started to fall to sleep again she knew she’d never move on. She knew in the morning she’d call him and make sure he’d made it threw his night alive. And she thought, maybe she’d ask him one more time, while his head was clear, “What ya gonna do?”